Monday, November 19, 2007

Post Interview Stress Syndrome: This Situation Calls for 740 Empty Calories

Of course they liked me. They always do. But you can only coast through life so far on charm and cuteness.

These people also expected me to have skills that were relevant to the position. They are looking for someone who is proficient in a couple of programming languages I'm merely vaguely familiar with. I parried that by telling them I make a mean lasagne, and although they were impressed, or maybe just hungry, it didn't seem to give me any advantage.

Speaking of hungry, in all my excitement and pre-interview preparations I forgot to eat today. So round about the time my hour of uncomfortable questioning and inane small talk was over I was lucky to have made it through the parking lot back to my car without passing out.

There was only one thing for it. A number three extra value meal, aka quarter cheese and fries. With a diet soda, of course. I'm not some kind of pig after all.

Anyhoo... Would you excuse me for a moment? I feel a stress relieving rant coming on.

HEY MCDONALD'S!

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to see the complete nutrition information on your products? Huh? Did you?

Maybe I prefer binging and trying to create a state of denial, in which case it's way better not to know.

I realize that all of your food is crappy and bad for me. I do. That is why I don't visit your establishment for several months at a stretch. I save McDonald's for those special moments where I have come back from a very stressful job interview say, and realize that I haven't eaten anthing all day. Let's just say I'm suddenly starving and needing a huge junk food fix.

It's more of a rushed and guilty shame spiral kind of scenario than it is a caring about the foodstuffs I require nourish my body, which I sometimes willfully enjoy forgetting is a temple.

Do you see where this is leading? When I want to eat at your restaurant it is precisely because I want the opposite of healthy nutrients that will fuel my body and feed my soul. I eat there because momentarily I do not care that your cheap and salty delights are derived from corn products I can't pronounce and rat poison. I'm begging you with my $3.95 to give them to me. Give them to me now. Yeah, with a diet soda. Hurry.


I'm going to jam those golden salty fries into my mouth as fast as possible. Hopefully they'll be gone before I get home so that I can hide the evidence and pop in a breath mint in case my husband has decided to come home from work early. Yeah, I said guilt and shame motherfucker.

Maybe you should put the nutrition information next to the food on the drive thru menu so that I can make an informed decision before I order instead of putting it on the bottom of the box so that I don't see it until I turn it over to throw it in the trash - AFTER I'VE ALREADY EATEN IT. I just wanted a little guilt and shame not a fuckin' suicide attempt by cholesterol.

I said binge. Not purge.

16 comments:

another good thing said...

Totally with you on this one- not the job part- fuck that. But the fast food thing, I haven't been able to eat McDonalds in over 9 years, though Burger King is another story-- and frankly...you had me at LASAGNE.

pistols at dawn said...

I eat most of my meals in my car to keep my girlish figure. Lying is also an integral part of the job interview.

Suze said...

Ugh, job interviews. McDonald's seems to make a lot of things better though!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

You're BRILLIANT! What a great post! I am SO with you on the McDonalds...or Wendy's...or the local fish fry

Kater said...

You go girl! As I pointed out, Diet Soda ALWAYS cancels the nasty.

Those salty fries ARE good. In NYC we have just passed a law to ban trans fats in restaurants (and yes, this includes McDonald's although "restaurant" is sort of a stretch there, doncha think?) so soon they will be an equally calorific but less artery clogging guilty pleasure and this means we can eat twenty times more of them till we look like Jabba the Hut.

The Guv'ner said...

That last comment was me forgetting to log in to Blogger. I never claimed to be a goddamn GENIUS.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

AGT - I crave McDonald's fortnightly, and haven't eaten at BK since they have that weird plastic face king guy in the commercials. Lasagne is way too labor intensive to satisfy my junk food cravings, but it is yummy.

Pistols - a good plan if you enjoy large curvy hips.

I realize I should by lying in these interviews, but then remember that if I get the job I would have to work there and the jig would be up pretty quickly.

Suze - nothing like 1800 milligrams of salt and a heaping helping of high fructose corn syrup when you're feeling depressed.

Stepping - thanks man, in all caps too. I'm feeling all swirly now. Anyone with a TV knows this food is crap. If they really wanted us to make healthy choices they'd simply close their doors.

Whoever You Are - Guv? You are a woman of mystery to be sure and now multiple identities too. I don't normally eat french fries but I make an exception every once in a craving for Mc'D's.
I think you are a goddamn GENIUS (in all caps too).

Tara said...

Oh I'm guessing that binging is much better and more fun than purging. I buy McDonald's sometimes after I've spent too much money on groceries.

I'm sorry the interview was stressful. I haven't been on one in about five years and I'd like to keep it that way. But if I must, I'm more prepared than I was five years ago.

Del-V said...

You can thank the litigious pricks who want to blame every major corporation for their kid’s obesity, juvenile diabetes, or acne.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

This is my first visit to your world and I must say you are hysterical and I will make this a regular stop on my blog travels.

pistols at dawn said...

Lady, I had a professor once who worked in a technical field, and told us all to lie about our tech experience, because we could always figure it out on the job. It certainly got me at least one job.

minijonb said...

McD's has been my comfort food for a long, long time. I currently try to avoid it unless I'm on a big road trip. That's my attempt at eating healthy. Please don't tell McDonalds that I cheated on it by eating at Jimmy John's last night.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Tara - it's all over now except for the waiting to hear back and that's a laugh riot.

Del-v - if not them then who?

Diva - hi! welcome and stop by anytime!

Pistols - I will start lying. Then who knows what I'll do next?

MiniJ - your secret is safe here with me on the internet.

Churlita said...

All I have to say is, food is love. It's there for me whenever I need it. I prefer to pretend not to see the health info.

Heather said...

haha that is so true about McDonald's! I definitely deserve my right to dip my fries in my McFlurry and not feel bad about it unless I really think about it.

Michelle said...

I'm proud to say I love McDonald's. Salt and grease, yum.