Deep Dark Depression, Excessive Misery

Gloom, despair and agony on me.

I didn't get the job.

Not only that, but I was informed of it via automated robo-email sent to my gmail account. We appreciate your interest... careful consideration... decided on another candidate. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I see these people every day and have known them for almost a year and they couldn't even be bothered to send me a real email? Motherfuck. It was so impersonal. I cried when I read it. I might cry again thinking about reading it. Bastards.

So I remain a temp. (An angry temp.)

All I can think of is Bag O'Mice, my monumentally stupid old man past retirement age co-worker. How has someone like him remained gainfully employed for so long? We're talking over 30 years. He is a very stupid man.

Do you know I walked into the break room the other day and found him leaning down, with his face almost pressed against the window of the microwave staring at his lunch spinning round and round? He was riveted.

I'm Hired

No post today.

Only this: Some very wise people have decided to bring me into their project management team - in exchange for money. Yes. I got a job.

Pardon me won't you? I have to put a load of towels in the dryer and after that I am going to spend the rest of the day calling everyone that I have been avoiding for the last 7 months and squealing into the phone at them.

!

The Lady Who Doesn't Eat Dinner

I may soon have a new moniker since my new almost job is a weird shift, noon to 8:45pm.

I'm feeling all weirded out, because I've been job hunting for so long and this is the first time I've had a second call back for anything. Things are moving really fast too. The possible boss dude called me Friday to interview yesterday and then called me again 2 hours after my interview to come back in today to meet with the rest of his team and sit in and observe some of the work they do.

Noon to 8:45pm.

I'm trying to reconcile this shift. It's non- negotiable and it's not rotated with any of the other team members.

Why it may suck:

• I won't be able to cook dinner every night.
• By the time I get home it will be almost time for bed.
• I won't be able to do stuff in the evenings on week nights, like go to the theater or out to dinner. (Yes, because we do these things sooo frequently now...)
• It's kind of a step down career wise from my previous job.
• I will be kicked back out into the world and forced among people again.
• I will no longer be a lady of leisure.
• I will have bathe and put on clothes every day.
• Since I would be surrounded by other people, I will no longer be able to amuse myself by farting and belching really loud whenever I feel like it and then giggling to myself. Technically, I suppose I could still keep doing it, but I would really like to be a team player and for the other people to like me.
• I'll have to shave my legs sometimes.
• I will have less time to spend with MDH.

On the bright side:

• I will have to spend less time with MDH.
• It's a job.
• The money is very good and in fact much better than what I was making before when I was traveling all over hell's half acre.
• I'll get to sleep in my own bed every night.
• We may lose weight since I'm not cooking dinner every night.
• I'll have time to work out every day before work.
• I'll have the option of sleeping in should the mood strike me.
• I won't have to deal with rush hour traffic.
• Showering and getting dressed every day and not giggling at my own loud flatulence may improve my sex life.
• It seems like very easy work compared to what I was doing before.
• I will be forced back into the world and out among people again, providing me with an never ending supply of blog fodder.
• It's a job.
• I can buy shoes again. (DSW, here I come!)
• I can buy potions again. (I'm sure Lancome and Keihls have missed me.)
• We can finally get a goddamn house keeper.
• We're finally going to buy some living room furniture.
  
  

I'm almost not wanting to publish this for fear I will jinx myself. It would just be so perfect to not get the job after having raved, worried and typed out these idiotic lists like a big jackass. Please remind me that I'm not superstitious, but keep your fingers crossed that I get this stupid job. Lady would like to buy some shoes.

Fine Vintage Whine

My last entry about pizza, which incidentally I wrote a long time ago and only posted yesterday because I didn't have enough time to write anything new, brought in more comments than any other post I've ever done. Weird huh?

You guys must have been hungry for pizza.

Maybe I should wait for all my posts to ripen, like fine wine.

Nah. I prefer a proper and more immediate whiney whine.

I've spent the last two days in a row exiled in the den with Turtle because MDH has decided to work from home. Jesus I hope he goes back to the office tomorrow. I can't get anything done while he's here.

His bout of working from home was not as fruitful as noted in previous posts as no employers called me. Our track record of me getting calls for interviews when he invades my space instead of going to his real office is broken and now there is officially no benefit to me of him working from home. In fact I declare it officially a detriment because he is stinky, prickly and demanding. When he shuns the office for our tranquil domicile he remains unshowered, unshaven, and in addition to hogging the office which is normally my turf he has the nerve to ask me to cook for him and bring him food.

I pretended all day like I didn't hear him.

On the bright side I got my haircut (I'm back to a tidy bob), did a decent amount of housework and watched a some movies that had been building up on the DVR. I would rather have my office back so that I can look for jobs during the day.

I'm looking forward to getting him the hell out of the house tomorrow and writing a nice long winded post. I've been tagged by Aunt Dahlia and I'm thrilled for the opportunity to prattle on and on about myself in a new and challenging way.

Post Interview Stress Syndrome: This Situation Calls for 740 Empty Calories

Of course they liked me. They always do. But you can only coast through life so far on charm and cuteness.

These people also expected me to have skills that were relevant to the position. They are looking for someone who is proficient in a couple of programming languages I'm merely vaguely familiar with. I parried that by telling them I make a mean lasagne, and although they were impressed, or maybe just hungry, it didn't seem to give me any advantage.

Speaking of hungry, in all my excitement and pre-interview preparations I forgot to eat today. So round about the time my hour of uncomfortable questioning and inane small talk was over I was lucky to have made it through the parking lot back to my car without passing out.

There was only one thing for it. A number three extra value meal, aka quarter cheese and fries. With a diet soda, of course. I'm not some kind of pig after all.

Anyhoo... Would you excuse me for a moment? I feel a stress relieving rant coming on.

HEY MCDONALD'S!

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to see the complete nutrition information on your products? Huh? Did you?

Maybe I prefer binging and trying to create a state of denial, in which case it's way better not to know.

I realize that all of your food is crappy and bad for me. I do. That is why I don't visit your establishment for several months at a stretch. I save McDonald's for those special moments where I have come back from a very stressful job interview say, and realize that I haven't eaten anthing all day. Let's just say I'm suddenly starving and needing a huge junk food fix.

It's more of a rushed and guilty shame spiral kind of scenario than it is a caring about the foodstuffs I require nourish my body, which I sometimes willfully enjoy forgetting is a temple.

Do you see where this is leading? When I want to eat at your restaurant it is precisely because I want the opposite of healthy nutrients that will fuel my body and feed my soul. I eat there because momentarily I do not care that your cheap and salty delights are derived from corn products I can't pronounce and rat poison. I'm begging you with my $3.95 to give them to me. Give them to me now. Yeah, with a diet soda. Hurry.

I'm going to jam those golden salty fries into my mouth as fast as possible. Hopefully they'll be gone before I get home so that I can hide the evidence and pop in a breath mint in case my husband has decided to come home from work early. Yeah, I said guilt and shame motherfucker.

Maybe you should put the nutrition information next to the food on the drive thru menu so that I can make an informed decision before I order instead of putting it on the bottom of the box so that I don't see it until I turn it over to throw it in the trash - AFTER I'VE ALREADY EATEN IT. I just wanted a little guilt and shame not a fuckin' suicide attempt by cholesterol.

I said binge. Not purge.

Would You Hire Me?

Hi! It's me, Lady! I'm just killing time before I have to start getting ready. I thought blogging might be better than pacing and blathering baby talk to the cat.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes!

Today I woke up feeling sound as a pound. Better than that - sound as a Euro.

I will be able to lift my arms after all and thereby fix my hair and put on make-up and hopefully wriggle into my Spanx with no issues (they are like wearing a hug).

Map & Directions?
Check.
Extra resume copies?
Check.
Napkin for spitting out gum before getting out of the car?
Check.
Collection of Sims 2 expansion packs in a stack with kleenex on top?
Check.

Hm.. I could use a little Visine.


I'm going to wear my brown pants with the pink pinstripe, bright blue RL dress shirt shirt and tan tweed jacket (of course the tweed). I'm also sporting my little sterling love knot (Tiffany!) for good luck and to remind myself that the only reason MDH started an arugument with me this morning is because he is nervous for me and not actually an economy sized asshole.

We used to argue in the car as he was driving me to the airport to leave for extra long business trips too.

That's not why I need the Visine. My eyes are super dry all winter long once we turn on the furnace every year.

If At First You Don't Succeed

It's safe to say that I've had a pretty weird summer. Jobless, in flux once again over our living arrangements (ie, MDH's job interviews in cities all over the country), and Jess's illness and eventual death pretty much all add up to a miserable season. To top it all off, the underlying theme to my summer has been the slow leak of my self worth. In all the job searching I've been doing all summer there haven't been any call backs.

It's weird not to be working and weirder still to not have a single bite from any employers. I'm fabulous, so surely there is something wrong with every HR department in this city if they can't see it. My cover letters are getting more and more bold and still nobody is noticing. I was talking with my friend Stephanie about this earlier in the week and the only conclusion we could come up with is that they are simply not being read. I've very seriously considered sending out a cover letter in all caps JUST TO SEE IF ANYONE WILL NOTICE ME!!!! Maybe I should just start outright lying and see if that works.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am writing to let you know of my interest in the Perfect position you have posted on Monster.com.

My background is diverse and includes all of the skills and qualities you have listed in the posting. I have a great deal of experience working with and analyzing data, am an expert level user of most MS Office products including Excel and Access, and am also omniscient which comes in extremely handy for long and short term projects that require multi-tasking.

Most recently I have been working as a Software Trainer and Management Consultant in the veterinary industry. My outgoing personality, solid knowledge of small businesses, computers, and relational databases and the fact that I have the ability to know everything and be everywhere at once have been the key to my success in this position. I have a knack for problem solving, excellent communications skills and a magic cape that enables me to not only fly but also become invisible at will.

Your advertisement piqued my interest as my ideal career path will incorporate my unique combination of analytical skills, people skills and dark magic. In fact I could easily be described as an “outgoing analytic”. I hope, for your sake and for the sake of your children, when you read this along with my resume that you will be interested in talking to me in person about the opportunities you have available and how I can be an asset to your organization. Otherwise the angels will weep for you.
Thank you for your time and attention!
Sincerely,
Satan Herself