Friday, November 9, 2007

Less Than 101 Mostly True Facts About Me

Here is another pre-written bit of drivel to be posted at a later date when blog fodder is low. I saw this thing that Captain Smack had done awhile back where he listed 101 mostly true facts about himself. It was a very long post and very funny and interesting and he also included 3 filthy lies and then made his readers guess which were the lies.

So here is my spin on this, but I ran out of gas and interesting things to say about myself before I made it to 101.

I have only included one filthy lie - see if you can guess which one it is.

Some things that you may not be able to tell just by looking at me:

  1. I'm really healthy. I'm fat, but I'm really very healthy. My heart rate is good, my cholesterol is in a healthy range (on the high end of healthy, but healthy just the same), my blood pressure is normal (on the high end of normal, but normal just the same) and I have all my own original teeth.

  2. I'm 40 and damn I look really good for 40. Sometimes when people find out how old I am they act very surprised and say "I thought you were my age" and when I find out they are 30ish or below I get all tingly inside.

  3. I'm fairly brimming with vanity and think very highly of myself.

  4. I'm an excellent marksman-person-woman. Yes, I abhor guns and such, but found out at the skeet shooting range with one of my uncles when I was a child that I have amazing aim and rarely ever miss a moving target. I tested myself again a couple of years ago at a Women's Expo in Columbus and I've still got it.

  5. I love to drive.

  6. I have always thought I'd make an excellent librarian, but it just hasn't been in the cards so far.

  7. When I was a little kid I had a lady bug cemetery with little pebbles as headstones. I noticed the rows weren't even and killed a ladybug to add to the collection so that everything was more symmetrical.

  8. I like for things to be symmetrical and prefer even numbers to odd, but not obsessively so.

  9. I hate Kevin Costner and refuse to see any movie he has been in since Field of Dreams.

  10. I loathe Tom Arnold too and have never seen any movie that he has ever been in.

  11. I intend to keep this record unbroken.

  12. I loathe Sharon Stone and have only ever seen one movie she has been in and that was something a long time ago before she displayed her bush in that movie with Michael Douglas.

  13. I loathe Martin Lawrence and have never seen him in anything ever for longer than 3 minutes or however long it takes me to realize that I'm watching something with Martin Lawrence in it and change the channel.

  14. I tend to not like people who enjoy the comedy stylings of Martin Lawrence.

  15. Not that it happens a lot but I race to the TV whenever Wheel of Fortune comes on so that I won't have to hear the audience yell out "Wheeeel-Of-For-tune!" I have only ever heard the complete audience yell-out once or twice and one of those times was when I was in in the hospital after having surgery and it was on the TV of the person in the bed next to mine. I had no choice. I couldn't walk. I was helpless and the pain of hearing it was excruciating.

  16. With very few exceptions I find most children under the age of 15 really, really annoying. Sorry all you parents out there. I tend to like the children that I actually know personally, like the children of my friends and family members, if that's any consolation to you.

  17. I think that most parents are lying when they say how rewarding having children is. It looks like a buttload of thankless work. I think secretly they want to substitute the word "reward" for "relief" when the children move out of the house.

  18. With regard to #16-17: I grew up in a home where my mother made it clear from the beginning that raising me and my sister was buttload of thankless work. She said she was relieved when I finally moved out.

  19. With regard to #18: I had kind of a shitty childhood.

  20. Sometimes I wonder if we've made a huge mistake by choosing not to have children.

  21. Then I come to my senses and remember that we're kind of old, infertile and also that parenthood appears to blow.

  22. When I was 18 I worked as a ticket-taker at a pornographic drive-in movie theater in Delaware, Ohio. It was creepy and I only worked there for one night. The featured attraction was called "Porn In the USA".

  23. "Porn In the USA" was the first pornographic movie I ever saw.

  24. Sometimes I tell lies to strangers if they are spouting off about something and are completely uninformed and stupid. For example; I have told multiple people I barely know that I am Jewish if they say nasty things about Jewish people to me or tell me a Jew joke.

  25. I'm a terrible liar if I'm lying to someone I love.

  26. The first concert I ever went to was Howard Jones. The Call opened up for him. It was a good show.

  27. I don't always wash my hands after I use the restroom. This is especially true when I'm traveling all day and in airports. The cheap soap dries my skin all out and the bathrooms are so poorly designed that it's impossible to get anywhere near the sink without my bag/jacket/shirt getting wet.

  28. When I was a youth in Cleveland I met Bono and got my picture in the Plain Dealer because I brought him a dozen roses and gave them to him on stage.

  29. If it makes you feel any better - I DO always carry sanitary wipey things in my purse so I can wash my hands without getting soaked or trampled in a post deplaning ladies room stampede. I usually do this in the stall before I leave or sometimes if the bathroom is really crowded I'll do it where people can see me.

  30. On that note I think I'll mention here that I hate to see women pretending to wash their hands in public restrooms. Who do you think you're fooling you dirty, lazy bitch? You just got the backs of your hands a little wet and didn't even use soap or attempt to rub your hands together. Why did you bother?

  31. One of the best shows I ever saw was The Sugar Cubes in the Flats in like 1987 or 88. I don't remember when but it was the year that Life's Too Good was released here in the US.

  32. I hate getting stuck behind people who attempt to make left turns into really busy traffic where there is no light. I was planning to turn right because I have some common sense and foresight and can see that we will be sitting here for 45 minutes because the traffic is really busy here and now I'm stuck behind you, you left turning asshole. If I were going to turn left I would have driven 20 yards further where there is a light. I hate you.

  33. I will try almost anything once as long as it's not life threatening like bungee jumping or riding in a 15 passenger church-style van (those things are always crashing).

  34. I have never been arrested.

  35. I used to be a cutter.

  36. I used to eat LSD, but not in a nutty way. Only ever one little tab at a time purchased from reliable sources. I was never one to eat like 8 tabs and go see Pink Floyd's The Wall or go to a rave. I would eat one tab and invite one or two friends over to hang out and watch TV for 18 hours.

  37. I have never had a bad trip.

  38. One summer I smoked pot every day with my friend Dan J. It was a good summer.

  39. I don't smoke pot anymore. Not for like 15 years.

  40. I never did any drug that required snorting or injecting. It isn't ladylike.

  41. I used to have a mohawk.

  42. I used to think it was really funny to tell guys that hit on me in bars that if they didn't leave me alone I would put my cigarette out in their eye.

  43. I used to smoke pot almost every day.

  44. I think I said that one already.

  45. Apparently I'm damn lucky to be alive and still have some brain cells left.

  46. Crowds upset me. A lot. As a result I don't go to very many big-name concerts but I love to hear live music in smaller clubs and bars.

  47. I have never slept outdoors, not even a nap.

  48. Even after all this time I don't feel as much like I quit smoking as stopped buying cigarettes. I jones for a smoke every single day.

  49. When I go to the movies I like to get there early enough to sit exactly in the center of the theater. If it gets crowded enough that the ushers ask everyone to move down it makes me really angry. I figure I took the time to get there early enough and specifically chose this particular seat. I'm not moving. Fuck you.

  50. Until I was in my middle 20's the only Chinese food I ever ate was La Choy pepper steak from a can. My mother used to cook it in an electric wok that she had purchased for the sole purpose of preparing exactly this meal. From a can. She never used the electric wok for anything else.

  51. I was 21 the first time I ever ate a burrito.

  52. It's likely that I know more about tea than anybody you know. Unless you know someone who like owns a tea shop or something.

  53. It's also likely that I know more about coffee than anybody you know.

  54. I used to manage a gourmet coffee and tea shop and went to a special school to learn all about it.

  55. I have never had braces.

  56. I have come to rely so much on the stored phone numbers in my home and cell phones that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart anymore, including my own.

  57. I took a class in college called Small Systems Hardware, so I can take a computer apart and put it all back together again, but I don't like to because the pieces inside the machine are really sharp and it scratches my hands all up.

  58. I have never made a prank phone call.

  59. Sometimes I think it would be cool to own and run a restaurant. But then I think that cooking may not be as fun if I had to do it everyday.
  60. My fantasy restaurant is only open for lunch on weekdays and I only serve soup and sandwiches.

  61. Although sometimes my fantasy restaurant has one of those giant Parisian style chicken rotisseries with the drippings falling on roasted potatoes.

  62. I'm hungry.

  63. I'm not the Lady Who Doesn't Lunch because I skip lunch. I don't miss too many meals. It's because when I quit my job my husband was teasing me and saying I was going to become one of those ladies of leisure who lunch, like a Junior Leaguer. If you know me the thought of that is ridiculous.

  64. Once when I was on my lunch break standing in line at the McDonalad's on 3rd Ave in downtown Columbus I announced loudly and out of the blue, "I'm not eating in here it STINKS!" It did stink, but when we left I took the stink with me because I'm the one who stunk. I had absent-mindedly put a lit cigarette in my jacket pocket and caught myself on fire.

  65. I don't like birds. I think they are noisy and messy and start squawking outside of my window way too early in the morning. Bastards.

  66. I haven't cleaned out the inside of my car for over 2 years.

  67. Surprisingly it's not that messy.

  68. I'm sick of writing this shit.

  69. To the best of my knowledge, there is no one else on this planet with exactly the same name as mine.


Michelle said...

LOL, I enjoyed reading the mostly true facts about you! I am a parent, but I really don't appreciate other people's kids either. Especially girls that want to sit with the adults and get into the conversation. THAT drives me crazy. I really don't care what they have to say. God, or whoever, knew what they were doing when they gave me two boys who don't talk to me before I have my coffee in the morning.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I almost took that tid-bit out so as not to offend anyone. So I'm glad that you, a parent, can relate. I adore my best friends daughter and couldn't love her any more if she were my own. So I'm not completely heartless.

Tara said...

I like that you haven't cleaned out your car for over 2 years. I hate cleaning mine out, but I finally did it and it's already starting to accumulate stuff. It's like a junk drawer!

Del-V said...

It's too bad you never made a prank call. We did it all the time when we were kids. There was this guy named Dick Shaker. My friends and I would call his house, say his name and laugh for hours. The poor bastard should have kept his name as Richard in the phone book.

Step Right Up said...

I think #23 is your filthy lie. I highly doubt it was your first. Or maybe #32 is your filthy lie. That doesn't sound like you AT ALL.

And here I thought we were identical twins until I got to #34. But hey, it's never too late. Seriously. Think about it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

del-v - I was around when my friends made prank calls, but I never participated. It seemed kinda mean. I have never toilet papered anyones house either.

Step - #23 is absolutely true(to the best of my bad druggie memory). Guess again!
BTW - I in no way endorse the use of illegal drugs or substances and acknowledge that I am damn lucky to be alive! Did I say that already?

Suzel's Sass said...

Excellent post. I think number 47 might be a lie. I had, um friends, who smoked pot and they would catch a nap anywhere.

I'm hoping #64 isn't a lie - because that made me laugh really hard.

pistols at dawn said...

You totally weren't hungry.

And if you think parents have the energy to get angry about you thinking kids are crappy, I don't think you know any parents. The ones I know just ask me for the sweet release of death.

The Guv'ner said...

#64 had better be true because I laughed and laughed. I can't even guess which is the lie. They're all funny. And guess what? On the kids thing? WE ARE TWINS.

I HAVE had a bad acid trip so if that one is true you are LUCKY! :) Hmmm...the lie...I hope you're not going to keep us in suspense forever.

I never had a 'hawk (damn!) but i have had the whole rainbow on my head at some point or other. Pink was my favourite. It's hard to carry that off if you're not 18 though so I certainly don't go that route anymore, more's the pity.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Suzel - thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. Guess again! True and true both #47 & #64 (to your and Guv's delight) are true.
As to #64 - I smell a lot better and am less of a danger to myself and others since gave up my beloved cigarettes.

Pistols - I am too hungry, almost all the time.
Can't help worrying about what other people think, but realize you are totally right about busy-ness of parent-types.

Guv - I didn't have my mohawk for very long - I chickened out and had my doo a little more normalized, but I continued to wear gobs of pale white make-up and black, black eyeshadow. Siouxie was my idol.

Then I discovered Throwing Muses and got all grungie and wore cut off jean shorts with tights and combat boots. Messier hair and much less make-up.

Betty Boob Hug said...

Don't take anything out! I loved it all. I especially love hearing about people who don't have kids because there is part of me in them (hahhaha - I have 3. bit late for that now)

I do understand fully why you'd not want to have children. I look at childless women and I sometimes envy their life.
But then, you know, once they are here you can't subtract all that enormous love. So I feel it is ok for me to say these things because I know that I adore them now they exist.
Does that make sense?! :)

I loved your list...I'm thinking number 64 was the fib?? or the mohawk? I can't really tell with you!

I love coming over here, you are such a groovy soul.

Tom the Pooklekufr said...

You would be a damn cool mom.

"When I was your age I was sporting a moehawk and giggling myself into incontinence watching Columbo change into Big Bird. You think a tongue ring is going to beat that?!"

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Betty - thank you, I've been called lots of things but nobody has ever called me a groovy soul before -

Pook - howdy - I make a great babysitter (not sure about a mom)

Also: I have never been incontinent although I have laughed so hard I peed my pants and that doesn't count - BTW I wasn't high when that happened, just really happy.