Perky Man Goes On His Dream Vacation
Perky Man was our #1 sales dude at the subcontractor where I worked as the Office Manager from 1995 to late 1999. He was a great guy to work with because he rarely complained about anything, was always really upbeat and positive and I knew that I could rely on him to be places on time and that he would behave like a gentleman and not act like a total asshat when he was in a customer's home.
He was an attractive man, but he was a little too cute for my tastes.
He had a baby face and his features were just too precious and I could tell that he was going to look like William H. Macy as he aged. Lots of other women found him attractive though and were constantly calling looking for him or leaving messages with me at the office. Perky Man was a rather suave ladies man, and that's another reason I found him unattractive. I liked him a lot, just the same and considered him a friend.
It was nearly impossible not to like him.
I met his mother once when she was in town visiting and stopped into the office to meet Perky Man for lunch and I nearly choked because she looked exactly like him. I fussed over him and told her what a nice son she had raised. Later I told my boss, Laughing Boy, about it.
Laughing Boy: Oh, I'm sorry I missed Perky Man's mother, what was she like?
Me: Imagine Perky Man wearing knit separates from Talbot's and a curly frosted wig.
Perky Man was one of the most contented people I have ever known. He wasn't particularly ambitious and seemed perfectly cozy so long as he had enough money to cover his living expenses and had enough left over to buy pot and go to concerts. The man loved pot.
Perky Man was really cheap. He kept a pair of scissors in his car and would pull over to the side of the road and cut wildflowers to give to his girlfriends. They, of course thought this was wildly romantic. I, on the other hand was familiar with his patterns and knew that he kept scissors in his car because he did this all the time for every girl he dated and would be breaking up with them by leaving a message on their answering machines 2 weeks later.
Another fun example of his cheapness was that he refused to buy a new cell phone and walked around carrying one of these giant nightmares.
Perky Man usually went on vacation every year with our other sales dude, Personality Disorder, and many of their other hippie lettuce buddies to the Outer Banks, where they'd rent a house and lay around like a bunch of dopey slobs. Somehow Perky Man always managed to get laid on vacation, and Personality Disorder was terribly jealous of Perky's prowess with the ladies.
My boss, Laughing Boy, marshmallow that he was, allowed both of our sales dudes to go on vacation at the same time. It infuriated me because I was the one who did all the scheduling, but since Laughing Boy was the one who had to pick up the slack and do all of the sales calls while they were gone I didn't fuss about it too much.
One year Perky Man went on vacation to Jamaica. It was his ganja dream come true. Personality Disorder couldn't afford to go so Perky Man went with a different pothead friend. I was really happy for him because he'd been excited and talking about it for a long time.
When he came back he had an entire photo album of pictures of pot in various stages of growth and himself in various states of consciousness. There were many pictures of him holding giant (like 3 feet long) dried weed clusters in much the same way a fisherman has his picture taken holding up his big trophy catch.
Proud and confident, only instead of a fish he was holding giant dried stalks of cannabis and wearing a hooded, red-eyed, bleary smirk.
He lovingly reminisced over the pictures in the album with everyone at the office in much the same way that anyone would who has returned from their dream vacation (back in the days before everyone had a digital camera the photos were tangible kids!) as if the pictures were of things other than pot and of him by himself, smirking and stoned.
Did I mention that Perky Man was one of our best and most reliable employees?
Well, yes he was.
The next time you have work done in your home take a good long look at the sales rep who comes out to take measurements and the workmen who eventually come out to complete the job.
Take a good long look at them.
Don't ever leave these people in your home unattended and don't ever ask them any personal questions.
Unless you're looking to score a dime bag, then you're golden.