Stop The Presses! No, Really, Stop.

I don't read USA Today except for when I'm on the road and I only read a small portion you'll find close to the back of section A called "Across the USA, News from every state". It's a half page feature with one paragraph of newsblurb for every state in the country. Neat, tidy and mostly boring, except sometimes as I'm scanning though the states, speed reading about transit strikes or health department code violations, my eye will bump across a blurb like this one from last Friday:

Florida: Jacksonville - A Jacksonville Zoo worker is recovering from surgery after an antelope's horns gashed her leg, officials said. At the time Amanda Brown was trying to get Abe, a 2-year-old, 600-pound East African bongo, into a barn. The horns of East African bongos average about 25 inches long.

I never mean to laugh at other people's injuries and pain, but the words "Gored by a bongo" just kept picking at me me until I just couldn't stand it anymore. It's fuckin' funny in much the same way that "That dingo ate my baby" is. Sorry Amanda.

Then right underneath of it was this:

Georgia: Augusta - A prosecutor said the case against two teenage boys, accused of throwing a metal tent pole at their father's head and fatally injuring him, will go to juvenile court. Authorities had said earlier that the two, ages 15 and 16, could be charged with murder. Now, if found guilty, they could be sent to a youth camp for up to five years.

First of all, yeah I know a guy died. But the words "tent pole" always send me into a fit of the giggles, secondly who doesn't want to throw shit at their dad's head? But seriously - are you kidding me Georgia? You're going to send them to camp??

Lastly:

South Dakota: Rapid City - The Highway Patrol found $99,117 in cash in the gas tank of a car that was stopped by a trooper on Interstate 90. Officials said the money appeared to have been coated in barbecue sauce and chili powder before being sealed and put in the tank. Three people from Washington State were released pending investigation.

It would seem to me that this tid-bit of news is worthy of a full page story and full-blown, balls to the wall investigative journalism. So many questions left unanswered and now I'm really hungry for pulled pork.

Thank you USA Today.