Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Stop The Presses! No, Really, Stop.

I don't read USA Today except for when I'm on the road and I only read a small portion you'll find close to the back of section A called "Across the USA, News from every state". It's a half page feature with one paragraph of newsblurb for every state in the country. Neat, tidy and mostly boring, except sometimes as I'm scanning though the states, speed reading about transit strikes or health department code violations, my eye will bump across a blurb like this one from last Friday:

Florida: Jacksonville - A Jacksonville Zoo worker is recovering from surgery after an antelope's horns gashed her leg, officials said. At the time Amanda Brown was trying to get Abe, a 2-year-old, 600-pound East African bongo, into a barn. The horns of East African bongos average about 25 inches long.

I never mean to laugh at other people's injuries and pain, but the words "Gored by a bongo" just kept picking at me me until I just couldn't stand it anymore. It's fuckin' funny in much the same way that "That dingo ate my baby" is. Sorry Amanda.

Then right underneath of it was this:

Georgia: Augusta - A prosecutor said the case against two teenage boys, accused of throwing a metal tent pole at their father's head and fatally injuring him, will go to juvenile court. Authorities had said earlier that the two, ages 15 and 16, could be charged with murder. Now, if found guilty, they could be sent to a youth camp for up to five years.

First of all, yeah I know a guy died. But the words "tent pole" always send me into a fit of the giggles, secondly who doesn't want to throw shit at their dad's head? But seriously - are you kidding me Georgia? You're going to send them to camp??

Lastly:

South Dakota: Rapid City - The Highway Patrol found $99,117 in cash in the gas tank of a car that was stopped by a trooper on Interstate 90. Officials said the money appeared to have been coated in barbecue sauce and chili powder before being sealed and put in the tank. Three people from Washington State were released pending investigation.

It would seem to me that this tid-bit of news is worthy of a full page story and full-blown, balls to the wall investigative journalism. So many questions left unanswered and now I'm really hungry for pulled pork.

Thank you USA Today.

14 comments:

Family Adventure said...

Blech. Just lost my very insightful comment. Hate blogger sometimes.

Anyhoo...I was just saying that the last one gets me too. To many things left to the imagination. I am envisioning all kinds of things. Like what happened to the missing money! And what would happen if the BBQ sauce leaked into the gas. Yes, answers are needed. STAT.

Heidi

Family Adventure said...

To = Too

And the missing money = To make it an even 100 grand, of course.

I'm sick, can't spell and am getting tired of Blogger. Hope you're having a better day.

Heidi

Tara said...

"Gored by a bongo" made me giggle out loud ...actually more than giggle, I laughed. "Tent pole" sounds funny too, despite the fact it killed a guy. I accidentally hit my dad on the side of the head with a tennis ball one time. He said it stung, but I wasn't sent to any camp. I was meaning to throw the ball across the yard for my dog.

The Guv'ner said...

Oh man. TOO HILARIOUS.

Gored by a Bongo is yet another contender for my new band name.

As for the last story - W. T. F. ?????? I just...can't even begin to figure that one out :):)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Heidi - hope you feel better soon! I need to know why they were pulled over and what does Washington have to do with it, why chili powder AND BBQ sauce. Why a gas tank? and
why did the trooper check the gas tank? and finally was the car running?

Tara - I knew I had to blog about it when I said "gored by a bongo" to MDH and he laughed out loud too.

Hey Guv! - I used to have a horrible crush on a guy who was in a band called Satan's Bake Sale. Also was good friends with a guy in a band called Pork Sandwich and the Big Ass Titties. My friend was the lead singer so I guess he was Pork Sandwich and his band mates didn't mind being tits.

pistols at dawn said...

They have articles? I thought it was all pie charts, which just make me hungry.

Del-V said...

"Tent pole" would be the best band name.

Superstar said...

So, Washington state? That was the end to the lead with BBQ sause and almost a mil in a gas tank?!?!?! I am not sure who was "higher" the dumb a$$es who put the money in the tank or the reporter who thought the WHO was the vital part to that blerb...
NOT that I am a reporter or anything...
~shakes head~

LOL I love your humor...I am so glad I found your blog!!!

The Idea Of Progress said...

heh heh heh...tent pole.

The Guv'ner said...

Hahahahaha!!!! PORK SANDWICH AND THE BIG ASS TITTIES???? Awesome :)

I did like Satan's Bake Sale however. I'd totally be in that band. a) it's evil and b) it involves copious amounts of cake.

Gored by a Bongo still makes me bust out with a snort of mirth.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Guv - PS & TBAT was mainly just a bunch of my guy friends farting around with guitars after one too many bong hits. They never played in public.

But Satan's Bake Sale did.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - they are more than pie charts and TV listings it's filled with shallow journalism too.

Superstar - aw shucks thanks!

Del-V - tent pole!!

Idea - I know!

Churlita said...

If only I had had a tent pole to throw at my uncle's head when I was in high school. It would have been so worth going to camp for.

Hot Lemon said...

"pulled pork"!! Now goddamnit, Gump, THAT'S funny!!