Saturday, November 24, 2007

Me & The Guys Part 3

Personality Disorder Had a Date With a Real Live Woman

Personality Disorder was our other sales dude at the sub-contractor where I worked in the middle and late nineties, and the polar opposite of Perky Man. Although he too was a big pot head, he was perpetually depressed, short tempered and prone to brooding.

Personality Disorder was always really sweet to me though.

I heard through the grapevine that he harbored a terrible crush on me. I kind of knew it, but refused to acknowledge it in any real way. He would compliment me by telling me I smelled like rose petals or that my hair looked like satin. His mouth barely moved when he spoke and he couldn't look me in the eye when he said these things. I would usually respond by saying things like "Wow. That's really nice of you to say," and then Personality Disorder would skulk off muttering self loathing things to himself.

Don't get me wrong, I was indeed super cute and had (then and ever after) excellent grooming habits that caused me to smell very nice and have shiny hair, but I think he liked me more because I was the only woman he knew besides his mother that he could talk to and was nice to him.

After I had been working there for about a year, the moment I had been dreading arrived. Fueled by a the confidence of a recent raise, a haircut and a pep talk from Perky Man, Personality Disorder asked me out on a date. I politely refused, stating that I made it a strict policy to never date anyone that I worked with. A huge lie, but at that moment, working for that sub-contractor, the only woman among all those nasty men, it was never more true.

He was totally bummed out and skulked off muttering to himself and didn't speak to me for several weeks. He would come in and pick up his schedule in the morning before I came in.

I felt terrible. He was a really nice man, but there was no way I was going out with him. He was a fuckin' weirdo.

One afternoon my boss Laughing Boy came in from his morning appointments and asked what part of town Personality Disorder was working in that day. I grabbed the schedule and showed him and he said to get him on the phone immediately. Laughing Boy had heard on the news that a man in Personality Disorder's neighborhood was on some shooting spree was still on the loose. He fit the physical description of Personality Disorder. Laughing Boy's first thought was that Personality Disorder had finally had his inevitable freak out and was going nuts killing people.

It wasn't him, but he certainly had the potential to be that same brand of psycho.

Eventually he recovered from my refusal of his affections and we got along just fine, although he continued to scare me a in a Lenny and Curley's Wife kind of way. I would never have been alone with him in a barn or let him hold my puppies (wink).

Believe it or not, Personality Disorder had a terrific sense of humor and we had a great time making fun of our customers together. I would put little stars next to the names on his schedule of the customers whom I predicted would be nutty or asshole-ish so that Personality Disorder would know to ask me about them before going out for the sales call.

Personality Disorder would give our customers funny nicknames like Chicken Lady (kept chickens in the house) or Crazy Legs Morton (a guy that couldn't stand still), and would always come back with a full (and I'm sure sometimes exaggerated) report of all the nuttiness witnessed in people's homes.

I mentioned before that Personality Disorder was terribly jealous of our other sales person, Perky Man's suave skills with the ladies.

Personality Disorder was a very lonely man.

He lived with his mother who relied upon him for everything and waited on him hand and foot. His dad died when he was a teenager. He desperately wanted to fall in love, get married and start a family.

I started giving him dating advice. Offering suggestions on how to meet women and how to talk to them without coming off like a total psychopath.

One day he came in from his appointments and announced that he had met someone special. I was really pleased about this until I found out that he had met her in the personals in the back of the Columbus Dispatch and had only talked to her on the phone twice. A little over eager with the "special" in my opinion, but I was excited for him and asked him describe her.

She sounded like a smaller female version of him. She was in sales, lived with her mother, was painfully shy and wanted desperately to fall in love and start a family. As it happened she went to a therapist in the same building as Personality Disorder's therapist.

Clearly it was kismet.

Personality Disorder asked me to schedule his appointments light for the day of his date. Then later he changed his mind and asked me to clear his entire schedule after 1pm thinking that he'd need some extra time to get ready.

I asked him what time his date was and he said 7:30pm.

Laughing Boy and I speculated about what exactly Personality Disorder would do to get ready for a date that required 6 and half hours. We had a lot of laughs (hence the handle Laughing Boy) tossing out possible Personality Disorder agendas of getting ready for a date:

  • 1:15PM - Bong hits
  • 1:18PM - Eat peanut butter sandwiches with crusts cut off prepared by mother
  • 1:20PM - Play Galaga
  • 5:30PM - Masturbate
  • 5:35PM - Cry
  • 5:40PM - Bong hits
  • 6:00PM - Shower
  • 6:15PM - Shave
  • 6:10PM - Anoint self with oils
  • 6:15PM - Beat self with willow branches
  • 6:20PM - Chant
  • 6:25PM - Masturbate
  • 6:30PM - Cry
  • 6:35PM - Wash hands
  • 6:45 PM - Get dressed
  • 6:46 PM - Avoid bong hits and masturbating
  • 7:00PM - Drive to date's house
  • 7:05 PM - Sit in car...
  • 7:06 PM - Masturbate
  • 7:10 PM - Cry
  • 7:25 PM - Ring date's doorbell
  • 7:26 PM - Ask where the powder room is so he can wash his hands.

and so on...

He called in sick the day after this date.

He was married to this woman within 6 months of this date.

She seemed very controlling to me because she would call the office and ask me to lighten his schedule which did nothing but piss me off. I told her that I would defer to Personality Disorder who was usually asking me to do the opposite and schedule him with more sales calls so he could potentially bring in more commissions.

He quit shortly after this. His fiance, whom Laughing Boy and I referred to secretly as Anita Man, was pregnant and didn't think he was making enough money and demanded he find a new job.

I never saw him again, but sometimes Perky Man would give me sad updates about how Personality Disorder had been brutally emasculated by Anita Man and was no longer able to do anything he enjoyed like smoke pot, play video games or hang out with the boys. Basically Personality Disorder was every bit as miserable as he was prior to having all his dreams of love, marriage and a family come true.

The dating advice I wish I'd given him: Don't marry someone who calls your work and asks them to change your schedule for you, like you're some kind of pussy-whipped bitch.

Oh, and be careful what you wish for.


Kitty said...

Fabby post darling! I totally get that whole wishing for love and family thing...till you get it that is...

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Thank you Miss Kitty! I make it my habit to never rush into much of anything.

pistols at dawn said...

More evidence for my ongoing collection of reasons to never get married. Thanks.

evil-e said...

That happens a lot where a guy like that ends up on the wrong side of the whip.

I always seem to work with a lot of women..I have a very strict no dating in the office policy. (replace very strict with able to change due to drinks and replace no with frequently until I finally learned my lesson)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - I'm sure there are lots of women out there who are willing to put up with you. I think of them more as reasons not to rush into anything all crazy like.

Evil - I ended up dating another man who worked there year's later, and one of Personality Disorder's closest friends. The relationship ended in an arrest and retraining order. I should've stuck with my no dating work folk policy. Dumb.

Family Adventure said...

This post made me so sad :(

I felt for the poor guy - seems like he just wanted a bit of attention and affection.


Churlita said...

Man, I love your blog. This story was so sad and funny all at the same time.

Betty said...

I detected a hint of Norman Bates with this guy. Poor thing -

yep, it is true about rushing into stuff in your desperation not to be lonely anymore and play house.
I've done it.

I love the way you write stuff, it cracks me up.

pistols at dawn said...

Lady - there are plenty of said women, the problem is more that they decide they're ready to get married circa date three, after I've spent most of dates one and two talking about how little I want to get married.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Heidi - Sorry to make you sad, but it is a sad story.
That job and getting to know those (mostly) wonderful men were pivotal in my life.

Churlita - thanks! I love your blog too. That's life - sweet and sour.

Pistols - you are right - many women out there are all about jumping into getting married instead of enjoying the moment with a clever and witty man who knows the value of a pint.

CDP said...

Poor guy! Great story, though!

Chris said...


The Guv'ner said...

I was never getting married. NEVER. There's no need for it in this day and age, that's my motto. Yet here I am MARRIED. Of course, the lovely people at the I.N.S. had a bit to do with my decision as living together with someone of a different nationality is never straightforward unless marriage is involved so there you have it - I loosened my "never" to an "I would quite like that" and all was well. And I'm fine with it. Probably because I don't mind if he has female friends and love having the place to myself if he has stuff going on the odd evening with "the boys". But I know a TON of woman who'd have a fit if their significant other had plans that didn't include them. I think if you can't handle all that stuff you shouldn't be marrying anyone.

Your PD guy sounds like he was a lonely, slightly odd but quite likable person who's now spending all his time with a crazy lady and none of it with anything that makes him happy.

Well, unless Anita Man is residing under his floor boards now.

another good thing said...

I think this is my next novel. You don't mind, do you?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - glad you liked it, but it is pretty sad.

Chris - thanks!

Guv! - welcome back! I had no idea you were a married lady too. You're so mysterious!!

I'm a very laid back kind of wife. I usually tell my husband to have a good time, be safe, call me if you need a ride home. It's understood that we don't eff other people. I'm all good. I figure if you love and respect some one you want them to be happy and vice versa so there's no call to go around being all controlling and calling his work every 5 minutes, etc.

They may be divorced by now for all I know.

AGT - have fun, give me some cred