Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #11 Special Fashion Edition

Muffin Top
Don't you like yourself? Don't you like the rest of us? Aren't you terribly uncomfortable? Don't you have a full length mirror? Doesn't anyone among your family and friends love you enough to tell you you look as if your jeans are cutting off all circulation to your liver and kidneys? This seems dangerous to me.

Not that I don't have some pants in my wardrobe that are a bit tight in the waist. I choose, however, to wear shirts that are long enough to cover up my big fat gut rather than short shirts that highlight my big fat gut.

I'm a people person.

Baggy Muscle Pants and Whatever You Call This Top
We get it dude, you're all muscle-y and shit. We get it. You work out 6 hours a day and eat raw eggs and hormones and have shelves full of giant containers of powdered protein on display for all to see in the finished basement bedroom of your mom's house. We get it, you enjoy showing us your giant arms and pink, taut nipples.

We get it.

You're a manly mass of buffness.

You're creeping everyone out.

By the way, when you dress like this everyone around you assumes you are a stupid meat head. I'm not saying body building is wrong or that you are a stupid meat head. I'm just saying keep it to yourself meat head and save this outfit for the gym.

Cover up.

Nobody wants to see your nips.

Teeshirts & Sweatshirts with Airbrushed Animals and/or Gothic/Sci-Fi Scenes

It's OK to have a passion for unicorns, kittens, wolves, eagles, tigers, scantily clad women wearing fur bikinis and carrying swords.

Whatever it is you're into it's totally fine.

But if you wear these types of shirts and wonder why you can't get laid it's because you are wearing these types of shirts and all the people you may like to have sex with think you are an enormous douche.

Fashion Disclaimer:
The views and opinions expressed in this post reflect the views and opinions of one middle aged, overweight, bitter and shoddily clad lady, currently writing this post in black sweatpants with a green stripe down the side and a safety orange, long sleeved LL Bean t-shirt that she has been wearing for 2 days straight.* The fashion views and opinions expressed in the blog are completely without merit as the middle aged, overweight slobbo writing it does not as yet, have her own column in Vogue or W Magazine and is not likely to ever have such any time soon or ever. The lady writing this blog does not claim to be an expert on fashion by any stretch of the imagination. Not at all. She merely states (in her personal opinion) the obvious for the purposes of humor and can only hope that those of you out there who may be reading the blog share her often condescending and imperialist viewpoint and sense of humor. If you hold a differing view to the ridiculous pieces of shit clothing choices above please feel free to offer up your opposing view in the comments.

*Please note the slovenly lady in question would never leave the house in the outfit described due to the magnetic attraction between her full length mirror and the giant stick up her ass.


another good thing said...

Nice. Reminds me of my college photo project where I went to the mall and shot film for a hour then blew up the pictures and did the whole "X'd out Don't do this" feature for a fashion class. It's fun finger pointing, isn't it. Good thing I can totally take the three pointing back at me.
BTW thanks for the kinky shoes and boots link- might come in handy when I ask Santa for the Iphone.

pistols at dawn said...

I would have gone with, "By no stretchpants of the imagination am I an expert in fashion."

Step Right Up said...

My mom totally rocks the cat shirts. It compliments the fanny pack, capris with socks, and 80's afro perm she likes to wear so I don't say anything.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

AGT - I'm so not the person to judge other people's fashion sense. These just happen to be 3 things I don't do. I cut it awfully close with muffin top though.

Pistols - that made me laugh out loud - but also wanted to point out that strechpants tend not to leave anything to the imagination which is why I'm more of a sweatpants kind of person.

Step - also making me laugh out loud - can't make too much fun of moms, but mine wears the capri pants with socks too and the sock usually match her shirt - must be a generational thing.

Jamie said...

Muffin Top: Don’t you have a purse for your cell phone?

Baggy Muscle Pants and Whatever You Call This Top: That top could be considered a “wife beater”

Teeshirts & Sweatshirts with Airbrushed Animals and/or Gothic/Sci-Fi Scenes: Rates right up there with Airbrushed license plates and beer koozies. I don’t want to know that “Jim and Joan” are driving or that you “Just Farted” or “Survived Spring Break 89' in Panama City Beach, FL”

Churlita said...

Awesome. Simply awesome. I don't want to see anyone's nips out in public.

I also don't want to see anyone's love handles out in public.

step right up said...

Did someone say airbrushed license plate? My mom (yes, the one who wears cat shirts, capris with socks, a fanny pack, and has an 80's perm) use to have an airbrushed sunset license plate on her minivan that read #1 Grandparents. Ever since she switched to the cop car (Caprice Classic), she no longer has the airbrushed vanity plate. And which is more disturbing? Mini van or Caprice Classic?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Jamie - my favorite airbrushed plate had the palm tree sunset and said "Meemaw & Peepaw". I suggested it as a gag gift to my best friend Amy for her snobby, country-clubby parents when she was pregnant with their first grand child and they loved it put it on their Mercedes. Yeah. Her daugher and their other grand children call them Meemaw & Peepaw now. Yeah.

Churlita - we see way too much flesh already but I can't exchange small talk to someone if I can see their nipples it's very distracting.

Step - back again eh? The story above by Jamies name is for you too.

I choose Caprice as the more embarassing vehicle, especially the ones you can tell used to be police cruisers.

Leonesse said...

My mother wears sweats and tank tops from Walmart, but every possible place to put jewelry on the body has diamonds and/or some combo thereof.
Beautiful site, I tell ya.

The Guv'ner said...

SWEET baby Jesus does that girl know her ass is eating her jeans? I mean you can tell she's not OBESE but wearing pants two sizes too small isn't going to help you prove it. EESH! Scary.

As someone who spends any evenings she has alone in her apartment wearing panties, socks a huge t-shirt and toting a beer and a dominos pizza box, I can not comment on anyone's fashion don'ts.

HOWEVER...the t-shirts with the misty prints of unicorns and other vaguely Magic the Gathering type of things? No. Not even if I was high on crack. Which coincidentally I totally AM! ALL THE TIME.