Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "gifts for miserable fucker",
Bon jour and welcome to my blog!
Indeed having a "miserable fucker" in your life is upsetting enough, but having to spend your hard earned money to buy gifts for such a person is unbearable.
As always, I'm here to help, although you haven't given me any clues about the nature of your relationship to the miserable fucker so I don't know if it's your boss, a co-worker, your spouse, your mother or a neighbor.
Nor have you hinted at the cause of this persons misery or the nature of his or her fuckery.
I mean are they miserable because they have a life threatening illness or because they didn't get hugged enough as a child? Does this person constantly harass you and others and make you feel small or does their fuckery take the form of being prone to commit insurance fraud and cheat on their taxes?
More importantly you haven't given me any information about the size of your budget. You have left a lot open for interpretation, but in a way I find that very freeing.
For the purpose of humor I vote against empathy today. I say we forget illness, bad childhoods and the likelihood that people are usually miserable fuckers for a some sad personal reason.
Now, let's begin.
We can really go two different routes here. One direction is to try to give the miserable fucker a gift that may make him or her less of a miserable fucker like a new Lexus, a long weekend at the Canyon Ranch or Guitar Hero. But if this person is truly a miserable fucker the joy these types of thoughtful gifts may bring will be short-lived. So in my mind the better path to follow would be the anonymous flaming bag of dog shit on the front porch sort of gift and keep Guitar Hero for yourself, you probably need it more than the miserable fucker does.
Flaming bag of dog poo not a viable option?
Here are some other suggestions:
- Make a donation in the miserable fucker's name to a charity that would really get under the skin of the miserable fucker. Here are a few examples: Is the miserable fucker a racist pig? Make a donation in his/her name to the NAACP. In your face pro-lifer? = Planned Parenthood. Jew-Hater? = Yad Ezra VeShulamit, and so on.
- Everybody wins when you purchase "Etiquette for Dummies" for the miserable fucker in your life. It not only overtly implies that the miserable fucker is stupid and rude it also leaves open the possibility for rehabilitation. The miserable fucker probably won't get it, but it'll make you feel a whole lot better and like you at least made an effort to end the suffering of yourself and others who are abused and harassed by the miserable fucker.
- Gorilla Gram! What miserable fucker worth his title doesn't act like even more of an asshole when publicly humiliated with balloons and a sweaty guy singing in a polyester fur jumpsuit? Will the miserable fucker smile and laugh as if he/she is enjoying it, like a big fuckin' phony? Or will the miserable fucker stay true to form and interrupt the performance and pout? Let's find out! All reactions are entertaining.
- Hummel Figurines - so irritating it may make the miserable fucker's head explode. Who can resist these charming little ceramic boys and girls dressed in dirndls and leather short pants prancing about arm in arm in green pastures and grassy meadows? Just about everyone, that's who.
- Not just any Crocs, but the really bright orange ones.
Hope these handy gift giving tips have been useful to you. Of course you could just remove yourself from the miserable fucker's life - quit your job, get divorced, call the cops or move to Guam then you can spend your money on people you actually like.
Best Wishes & Kindest Regards!