Wednesday, November 7, 2007

In Response To Your Google Search Query #2

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "gifts for miserable fucker",

Bon jour and welcome to my blog!

Indeed having a "miserable fucker" in your life is upsetting enough, but having to spend your hard earned money to buy gifts for such a person is unbearable.

As always, I'm here to help, although you haven't given me any clues about the nature of your relationship to the miserable fucker so I don't know if it's your boss, a co-worker, your spouse, your mother or a neighbor.

Nor have you hinted at the cause of this persons misery or the nature of his or her fuckery.

I mean are they miserable because they have a life threatening illness or because they didn't get hugged enough as a child? Does this person constantly harass you and others and make you feel small or does their fuckery take the form of being prone to commit insurance fraud and cheat on their taxes?

More importantly you haven't given me any information about the size of your budget. You have left a lot open for interpretation, but in a way I find that very freeing.

For the purpose of humor I vote against empathy today. I say we forget illness, bad childhoods and the likelihood that people are usually miserable fuckers for a some sad personal reason.

Now, let's begin.

We can really go two different routes here. One direction is to try to give the miserable fucker a gift that may make him or her less of a miserable fucker like a new Lexus, a long weekend at the Canyon Ranch or Guitar Hero. But if this person is truly a miserable fucker the joy these types of thoughtful gifts may bring will be short-lived. So in my mind the better path to follow would be the anonymous flaming bag of dog shit on the front porch sort of gift and keep Guitar Hero for yourself, you probably need it more than the miserable fucker does.

Flaming bag of dog poo not a viable option?

Here are some other suggestions:

  • Make a donation in the miserable fucker's name to a charity that would really get under the skin of the miserable fucker. Here are a few examples: Is the miserable fucker a racist pig? Make a donation in his/her name to the NAACP. In your face pro-lifer? = Planned Parenthood. Jew-Hater? = Yad Ezra VeShulamit, and so on.

  • Everybody wins when you purchase "Etiquette for Dummies" for the miserable fucker in your life. It not only overtly implies that the miserable fucker is stupid and rude it also leaves open the possibility for rehabilitation. The miserable fucker probably won't get it, but it'll make you feel a whole lot better and like you at least made an effort to end the suffering of yourself and others who are abused and harassed by the miserable fucker.

  • Gorilla Gram! What miserable fucker worth his title doesn't act like even more of an asshole when publicly humiliated with balloons and a sweaty guy singing in a polyester fur jumpsuit? Will the miserable fucker smile and laugh as if he/she is enjoying it, like a big fuckin' phony? Or will the miserable fucker stay true to form and interrupt the performance and pout? Let's find out! All reactions are entertaining.

  • Hummel Figurines - so irritating it may make the miserable fucker's head explode. Who can resist these charming little ceramic boys and girls dressed in dirndls and leather short pants prancing about arm in arm in green pastures and grassy meadows? Just about everyone, that's who.

  • Not just any Crocs, but the really bright orange ones.

Hope these handy gift giving tips have been useful to you. Of course you could just remove yourself from the miserable fucker's life - quit your job, get divorced, call the cops or move to Guam then you can spend your money on people you actually like.

Best Wishes & Kindest Regards!

The Lady


Hot Lemon said...

go for the crocs-- mine are bright yellow and they serve me jeeees fine!!

pistols at dawn said...

Hey, Guam said they don't need any assholes, because that's the lone benefit to living in Guam right now.

Suzel's Sass said...

You are the internet's version of Anne Landers (although the live one - I think she's dead isn't she?)

Michelle said...

I don't know why but I loved the phrase "the cause of this person's misery or the nature of his or her fuckery". I love the "F" word but have yet to use it in that form.

FUCKERY. I like it! I can't wait to use it!

And yes, I'm going to agree with suzel's sass and suggest that you start dispensing sage advice to the masses!

Superstar said...

i recently had to do the secret "boo buddy gift" at the workplace. Lets just say, I read the "having to spend money to buy gifts for such a person is UNBEARABLE" Totally RIGHT ON!

Lets just say, boo buddies? Yeah after I threw up in my mouth a little, I then drew the "jerk" for my person to HAVE to get gifties for....~rolls eyes~
Can I re-gift him some of your 1/2 used closet from yesterday's post???
~shakes head~

Family Adventure said...

Ooooh, Lady, there are so many catchy search phrases here, I can't wait to see what the sitemeter digs up next time. Racist pig, Pro-Lifer, Flaming dog poo. Yes sirree, it's going to get interesting around here!


PS: I *still* love my crocs. Don't care what you say :)

another good thing said...

hah! love this-- just my kind of post. Definitely a lady I need to add to my links. Gift on!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Lemon - Hi! I badmouth the crocs but I don't have my own column in Vogue just yet so what do I know?

Pistols - the tropical weather there is good for the skin.

Suzel - not sure if Anne is alive or dead nor am I sure if it's a good idea for anyone to take advice from me.

Michelle - fuckery is new to me too but it's got a nice ring to it, eh?

Superstar - it sux to have to buy presents for people we hate and yet we continue to do it.

Heidi - usually my top search queries are boring so I hope you are right and I get some juicier entries.

AGT - Hi! Welcome! Glad you liked it!

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahah! Am loving your sensibility on this. I hope the idiot that typed it into the search engine found what they were looking for - I am especially loving the donation to a charity to a racial movement, if they are well known to be a racist pig.