Saturday night MDH and I went to see the local Pops Symphony with a guest singer doing the songs of Ella Fitzgerald. It was very romantic. Also now I have all of those beautiful old standards swirling around through my head instead of the Menard's jingle for a change. Do you know that I refuse to ever shop there because of that stupid ass jingle. I'd rather kill myself than save big money at Menard's.Anyhoo...
When we got home there was a message from my best friend Amy. I hadn't talked to her since before we went to Boston last Thursday and she sounded kinda down. The message said that she had some interesting information to share with me about her ex husband Assface, but that she may not be able to talk about it because it was her weekend with her daughter LBL, and she never spills about Assface in front of LBL (unlike Assface who says nasty shit about Amy to LBL all the time).
I called her and LBL was right there so there was no spilling, but we caught up on everything else and she'll probably call me tomorrow with the Assface report. Meanwhile I asked her if she'd had a chance to finally read my blog and was thrilled to find that she did! She read the Ass Fatties one that is really about her and her husband Ted and said she'd read a couple of others and really enjoyed them. I was thrilled.
Her opinion is really important to me, but she's way too busy most of the time to even sit down and watch a TV show, let alone read all my hot air.
Amy: You should write about the time that you set yourself on fire in McDonald's.
Me: That is uncanny! I did, a couple of posts ago.
Amy: Oh! Then you should write about the time that you tossed cat food into the air conditioner.
Me: Weird! I did! I just posted it today. Wait. What? I didn't toss it so much as I fell down. It was an accident.
Amy: Then you should write about the time that you threw the frozen turkey at Assface.
Me: Yeah, that might be funny...
Amy: or the time that you threw the frozen chicken in Kroger.
Me: What? I don't remember doing that... why would I do that?
Amy: or the time that your cigarette fell into the mailbox on James Road and you got all the mail back in a plastic bag a week later and the letter that said they were looking for the vandal that destroyed your mail.
Me: oh yeah, and then my boss went around telling everyone that I threw the cigarette into the mailbox as if I did it on purpose. It was an accident.
Amy: or the time that you dog sat for Assface and me and the dogs ate open the trash bag and your panty shields were all over the back yard when the insurance guy came over.
Me: It looked like really big confetti. I didn't think they would dig them out of the trash like that. That was an accident. Besides if the insurance guy had come to the front door like a normal person he wouldn't ever have seen them. What's wrong with people?
Amy: or the time that you were stuck behind a bus in traffic and honked your horn at it and then saw the lady in the wheelchair getting off the bus.
Me: Listen. It was taking a really long time and I had to pee.
Amy: or that one time that you...
This wasn't the exact conversation, but it's not too far removed.
She could have gone on like that all night.
She has so much good dirt on me.
I called her and LBL was right there so there was no spilling, but we caught up on everything else and she'll probably call me tomorrow with the Assface report. Meanwhile I asked her if she'd had a chance to finally read my blog and was thrilled to find that she did! She read the Ass Fatties one that is really about her and her husband Ted and said she'd read a couple of others and really enjoyed them. I was thrilled.
Her opinion is really important to me, but she's way too busy most of the time to even sit down and watch a TV show, let alone read all my hot air.
Amy: You should write about the time that you set yourself on fire in McDonald's.
Me: That is uncanny! I did, a couple of posts ago.
Amy: Oh! Then you should write about the time that you tossed cat food into the air conditioner.
Me: Weird! I did! I just posted it today. Wait. What? I didn't toss it so much as I fell down. It was an accident.
Amy: Then you should write about the time that you threw the frozen turkey at Assface.
Me: Yeah, that might be funny...
Amy: or the time that you threw the frozen chicken in Kroger.
Me: What? I don't remember doing that... why would I do that?
Amy: or the time that your cigarette fell into the mailbox on James Road and you got all the mail back in a plastic bag a week later and the letter that said they were looking for the vandal that destroyed your mail.
Me: oh yeah, and then my boss went around telling everyone that I threw the cigarette into the mailbox as if I did it on purpose. It was an accident.
Amy: or the time that you dog sat for Assface and me and the dogs ate open the trash bag and your panty shields were all over the back yard when the insurance guy came over.
Me: It looked like really big confetti. I didn't think they would dig them out of the trash like that. That was an accident. Besides if the insurance guy had come to the front door like a normal person he wouldn't ever have seen them. What's wrong with people?
Amy: or the time that you were stuck behind a bus in traffic and honked your horn at it and then saw the lady in the wheelchair getting off the bus.
Me: Listen. It was taking a really long time and I had to pee.
Amy: or that one time that you...
This wasn't the exact conversation, but it's not too far removed.
She could have gone on like that all night.
She has so much good dirt on me.
14 comments:
This had me laughing. That's a good friend who can give you ideas on what to post and to give us a glimpse of the unique person that you are. Hehe.
That burns me up that Assface has no problem with trashing your friend in front of their daughter. He's not setting a good example at all.
That's why I change friends (and legal names) every few years - so that I can still hold out hope of a Congressional run.
Tara - she is the funniest person I have ever known and we were busting out laughing during that entire conversation. Her ex-husband is one of the very few people in this world that I despise.
Pistols - it's scary the dirt she remembers - if I tried to disappear she'd hunt me down.
That's why they do that. Toss out memories and then you're forced to leave them something in your will.
oh yes, the things your friends never let you forget.. love that. probably why I have recently reunited with my high school pals.. always good fodder for a writer.
I love friends that appreciate all my exploits as much as I do.
Suzel - I've got to get a job before I have anything to leave in a will. All I've got right now are my friends and memories.
AGT - I've got some good dirt on her too, but that's for her to write.
Churlita - she an active participant in most of them.
you had me laughing out loud!!! thanks for such hilarity on a stressful monday:)
And that is why you two will remain friends forever...you have too much dirt on each other! I have a friend like that, too.
God you are a funny chick - I think you would be a wonderful friend to have.
A true friend has all the dirt! Funny post.
Stop it. Stop making me laugh. I have a bruised RIB dammit. :)
Is your friend starting a blog by any chance...? Hmmm...
Heidi
Rak – my pleasure – it’s the least a jobless person can do.
Michelle – I sure hope so – we have plans to roll each others knee highs up and she agreed to push me around in a wheelchair when my ankle finally gives out.
Betty – I try to be a good friend – I do ask permission before I spill about them on my blog.
Jamie – thanks!
Guv – all right Pot, quit calling me black.
Heidi – she really should, she’s an excellent writer and like me was a journalism major the first time around. We are both college drop-outs who got our degrees in our middle 30’s. She teaches 2nd grade and I’m an analyst (or soon will be).
Between her hassles with Assface, toilet training Ted and the boys, being a mom to LBL and teaching she’s too busy for blogging. Maybe on x-mas break though I'll ask her to write a guest post or something.
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