Friday, November 9, 2007

O' The Circle Won't Be Broken

I was a really bad kid.

Defiant. Prone to brooding. Sneaky. Messy. Have I already mentioned defiant?

Recently I was thinking about some of the shit that I did when I was a kid and if I were my mother I would have never stopped beating me.

I once carved my initials into one of the living room end tables with her good sewing scissors and then covered it up by moving the lamp forward by about 3 inches. How stupid was that? I mean first of all nobody was allowed to touch the good sewing scissors and second of all, it wasn't like she wouldn't eventually see the carving when she moved the lamp the next time she dusted in the living room and lastly, as if she wouldn't find out it was me? It was my freaking initials.

I don't know to this day why I did it, but here is a photo of the lamp, the table, and the mother. No, to answer the question that is probably currently forming in your mind, I have no idea what the fuck she is wearing.

You would think that that kind of shenanigans certainly deserves a good solid 1970's style childhood spanking. But my mom wasn't really the spanking type.

My typical punishment was a lengthy grounding after having been lectured for eternity. My mom would ask me questions during the lecture and then yell at me when I answered. Conversely, she would also yell at me if I didn't answer. "Answer me!"

There was no winning.

After awhile this type of intercourse becomes predictable and meaningless.

Once during one of her lectures I interrupted my mother's tirade to ask with a bored sigh, "Can't you just beat me like other parents do?".

I was a little asshole.

The reason why my mother had ceased to spank me is illustrated here in something I've come to refer to as "The Spanking Circle".The spanking circle is what you get when you cross an angry, screaming, mother-type lady who has grabbed the arm of a little punk, misbehaving girl-child and attempts to spank the girl-child while the asshole girl-child screams back profanities, puts her free hand over her ass for protection and tries to run away. The result is a spinning whirl of angry mother-daughter dispicable-ness.

I deserved every one of those lectures.


pistols at dawn said...

Ah, my parents beat me lots and it didn't do me any good. Probably because they couldn't throw a punch, buncha sissy hippies.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

My parents are of the boozy, Frank Sinatra listening Korean War veteran ilk, who could've kicked Godzilla's ass with a high-ball in one hand and a fondue fork in the other.

Jamie said...

Unfortunately, I got both. Spanked and Lectured.

Family Adventure said...

Loved your mother's 'do. Very retro! I wasn't really worried about her clothing - more concerned with why the lamp shade appears to be tipping? And whether or not that has anything to do with your carving skills?

Sorry, Lady, I would read the 69 things about yourself, but I have two sick children at home today (and I know how you love to hear all about children :)), so I'll have to catch that post later on this weekend :)

Have a great one!


step right up said...

But did you ever hear the words "Go get a switch!" in your house? I did. And I would promptly go outside to one of the trees and pull off a branch to hand over to the parental so the bark could be pulled away and the green switch exposed for use.

I'll tell ya, a 70's beehive wearin mom could do some damage with a switch!

Catherinette Singleton said...

My side hurts from laughing at your tirades. Your mother must have been so proud.

Tara said...

I too played with the sewing scissors and cut a square out of my mom's robe just to see if I could do it. Then I felt guilty and tried to sew it back on, but she caught me. I didn't get into trouble, though. Never thought to carve my initials into her robe!

Tara said...

Oh and I love your drawing! :)

Suzel's Sass said...

My mom used to hit me and then ask when I continued to cry for more than 10 seconds "Do you want me to give you something to cry about"? I was always to chicken to say , "No thanks - the first couple blows to the shoulders and head were fine".

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahha, oh the spanking circle. That is gold.
Over here we call it smacking - but the outcome is the same.
My Mum said she "didn't like to smack" but she must of made a pretty determined effort to get over her dislike because I remember more than a few nights of checking out the red hand marks on my thighs and thinking, "you bitch!" (I was six)

This was a great post - I too did a lot of naughty shit. That is why we have so much personality now we are old :)

the Secretary said...

We practiced that spanking circle frequently at my house. And to Suzel's Sass: My mom always asked me the same stupid question. I swore I would never say that to my son. However, my two favorite phrases to say now that I hated when I was a kid was "Because I said so!" and "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out!"

Very funny entry Lady :)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Jamie - welcome to my blog! Harsh!

Heidi - you know it's only because I'm half jealous that I'm so hateful. The lamp shade is just as tipsey as my mother ;)

Step - not at my house, but my cousins sure did - I was really afraid of their dad because of that "go find your own switch" thing and was always on my best behaviour at their house.

Catherinette - My mom and I get along just fine now and things aren't nearly as funny.

Tara - that is hilarious!! Those darn sewing scissors.

Suzel - how could I forget? My mom asked that question too - how the eff do you answer that??

Betty - I turned out mostly all right - eventually and after some professional help.

Secret Sec - hi again! glad you liked it. Funny the things you do as a grown up that you swore never to do...

Churlita said...

My daughter used to carve or write her name on everything and then lie and say someone else did it. It was annoying and kind of cute at the same time.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Churlita - and that is precisely why you are the kind of person who makes a great parent, and I am not.

Jamie said...

Yah, that was a Debby Downer comment for sure. Sorry bout that. I much prefer to be spanked than lectured. However, I much prefer to give lectures than spankings.

another good thing said...

oh so true- the spanking circle.