Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Pants Noise

Today I wore a pair of shoes that are a winning combination of cute and comfortable. I hardly ever wear them and when I took them down from the top shelf of my closet and pulled them out of the box, I was thinking to myself - Oh, I love these shoes, why don't I ever wear them?

Because they make an irritating rubbery squishing noise with every step - that's why.

They make a noise like wet socks inside a pair of rubber boots, but of course I didn't remember this until I was well on my way and it was too late to turn back and get another pair.

In addition to this I wore one of my newer pairs of wide-leg khaki trousers. They make a soft, swishing sound that is also pretty annoying after awhile.

So between the shoes and the pants I sounded like a one man band.

I was self conscious about it all day to the point that I made a contest with myself to see how long I could go without getting up to do anything. Pretty long actually. I made it until around 12:30. When I finally couldn't take it any more and got up to go to the break room to heat up my lunch (there was no way I was going to eat cold soup from a can) enough time had gone by for my feet to stir up a little moisture and a new delightful farting noise was now added to the mix for accompaniment.

Great.

Round about this time (12:50, to be exact) a reminder popped up on my calender for a meeting I needed to attend - on the other side of the fucking compound. Seriously it's a very big place - the meeting was half a mile away. No joke.

It took me 11 laboriously noisy hours to walk there. Farting, swishing and squishing all the way. Of course I got there late and had to walk all the way to the back of the room to find a seat.

Marvelous.

Anyhoo... the first thing I did when I arrived home this evening was rip these shoes from my feet and ceremoniously slam them into the trash. I said, "Take that you noisy motherfuckers".

Then I unceremoniously pulled them out of the trash, put them back into their box, placed a post it note on top of the box that says simply, "Farts", and placed the box back on the top closet shelf. At least next time I'll know why I never wear them.

The title of the post is a little inside joke because when I was in middle school I had a friend named Dana whose mother was into some weird rattle-snake frenching religion and thought that everything having to do with the human body was dirty and any mention of a body part or body function was a dirty word. She was kinda like Carrie's mom.

Dana's mother once washed her mouth out with soap for saying the word "pimple". Her mother created an alternate language for such things:

Zit/Pimple = Place on your face

Fart = Pants noise

Vagina = Special place

Butt/Ass = Seat

Crazy Bitch = Mother

That's all I can remember, but "Pants Noise" always gave me a giggle and when Amy's daughter LBL was a baby, that was one of my favorite nicknames for her.

26 comments:

SkylersDad said...

There is so much good in this post I don't know where to start!

As a kid I had those Sears "toughskin" jeans that were so thick and nasty they could stand up in the corner by themselves! They made a lovely zipping sound as the legs moved together.

Now that I am old(er), all of my sounds are natural; farts/creeks/pops/rumbles...

Falwless said...

You, lady, can take a pretty mundane daily annoyance and make it into a brilliant post. For this I both love and envy you. Mostly envy though (my heart is made of coal).

;)

Gwen said...

A gal in my office has been wearing a pair of shoes that make a hydraulic "shooosh" sound with every step. I call them her low-jacks.

I can't wait for the post you write about how much you laughed at the "Farts" note when you pulled those shoes out again in a year.

Dr Zibbs said...

I would have used those shoes and looked at the biggest "follower" in a crowd. I'd get him imitating my shoe and the next thing you know the whole town would be dancing. Kind of like Footloose.

evilesb138 said...

pants noise...this is funny to me

I like the fact that you put the shoes back in the box and labeled the "farts". I guess next time you will that much the wiser.

The only clothing I could complain about are a pair of really nice beige dress pants I have. I like to wear them, but they get all static-y and stick to the fronts on my legs--very annoying.

pistols at dawn said...

I hate corduroys, because they're spelled in a vaguely foreign manner and make me think someone's following me all day.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I had shoes like that. It sounded like my feet were somehow connected to my arse by strings up my legs, and with each footfall the strings pulled open the door marked "bum trumpet".

Renaissance Woman said...

OMG..thanks for the laugh. Such a funny story. I have a pair of shoes that make the same fart noise. I'm going to go put a sticky note on them right now.

SPARSELY KATE said...

Oh that poor girl for having a mother like that :)


I hate shoes like that and they deserve to hang their heads in shame at the back of a wardrobe.

Willow said...

And why is it always the prettiest, most comfortable shoes that make the terrible noises?

dmarks said...

squelch squelch squelch squelch squelch squelch squelch squelch .....

Way to go, Squidward!

Michelle said...

I have so many issues with shoes, but I haven't run into that problem yet! Maybe you could just wear them when you're feeling cheeky.

Your poor friend with the whacked out mom...is she schizophrenic now or did she turn out okay?

CDP said...

Like Skylersdad, all I could think of is those Sears Toughskin jeans and corduroy pants. Hilarious.

The Guv'ner said...

I used to have some Doc Marten red leather skimmers that I positively LOVED the hell out of but same problem. They squeaked louder than a barn door in the wind. They squeaked, farted, squelched and otherwise drove me batty so they had to go. So I feel your shoe farty pain, Lady.

Churlita said...

All my shoes seem to make noise when they're wet. Of course, I walk to work, so if it rains, I squeak all day.

Step Right Up said...

You work in a compound? Are you one of numerous wives?

We weren't allowed to say fart growing up. We had to say "let one" as in "Who let one?" or "I just let one."

My sis use to call her vagina her granny.

Suze said...

Jeez, I was wondering what the hell that noise was all day. Thanks for clearing that up...and taking those shoes off!

r cubed said...

Oh ha ha, yeah, my SHOES are making those noises....um, I have no idea what could be causing the smell.

Frenchie said...

Hilarious. You just kill me. Crazy bitch = Mother. Good stuff.

Tara said...

Safe to say that those particular shoes of yours are not the ones you want to use when sneaking up on someone.

I'll pick out shoes I haven't worn in awhile and wonder why I haven't put them on in awhile. Then like you, when I'm far too late to go back, I've realized that those shoes are blister-makers.

silverneurotic said...

My mother never let me say fart either. She had a name for it, that, to this day I have never figured out how to spell. I don't have any clue where she came out with it. \

She's MUCH looser with the "f" word now, much to my siblings' delight.

stepping over the junk said...

Remember mule slides? JCrew used to sell them. Everyone wore them about 8 years ago in my corporate office when we went "business casual". And all the men would complain about the women walking around with the flip flop sound down the hall

another good thing said...

there must be a solution for farting shoes. Get Dr. Scholl on that one, would you?

Leonesse said...

I have learned to just toss farty shoes, but I always ALWAYS seem to have to give them one more try first. What is up with that? Like they lose the fart making ability by sitting in my closet!

i am playing outside said...

another post that honestly made me laugh out loud and then hope that im not waking up Andrew since its midnight lol ... well done lunchlady. i still love you, even though you're swishy, squishy and farty. pants noise. what a riot!

Winter said...

Hahaha!