I'm so blah-some...

Hello stranger. I've taken a very long hiatus from my blog and still after all this time am wondering if anything I have to say here is relevant or worthwhile.

Is my slump showing?

Anyhoo... I decided that my putting out a crappy, wet blanket of a blog post might make me feel better than not blogging at all.

So here's what you get - a list of numbered points of the recent events, observations and general nuttiness that have been consuming my time lately. I realize that it's not much of a list as there are only 2 things on it. Get off my back.

1. Olive Garden Sucks - We're Snobs, Get Over It
Last week I decided to give our credit card statement more than a sweeping glance and discovered a strange charge of $52.83, or some similarly obscure amount, to the Olive Garden.

As a rule, and as a family of not just a little Italian persuasion, we tend to loathe the Olive Garden and many other ethnic-ky chain restaurants on principle. I knew that I sure as fuck hadn't eaten there, and so had no choice but to assume it was MDH. It had to be him.

Surely he had lost a bet or been roped into eating at Olive Garden on his business trip by some senior manager with horrific bad taste. I ran to the den to begin teasing and berating him immediately for dining at such a sub-par establishment when there are home made Italian delicacies to be had almost daily in our own home, made with love, by me.

Well, it backfired because he vehemently denied having eaten at the Olive Garden and not only that but said he had assumed it was me who ate at the Olive Garden. He thought it was an odd, out of character choice for me to make, but was relatively unconcerned.

We were each mutually insulted at the others assumption of our bad taste and spent a great deal of our time last week obsessing and arguing about this errant charge on our credit card. It wasn't me. It wasn't him. What the fuck?

There was much drama. Should we call the credit card company and have the charges investigated? After much discussion we decided it wasn't a large enough amount to worry about but that we would carefully monitor next months statement for any errant charges to such places as TGI Fridays, Appleby's or Don Pablo's.

2. Mr. Boo Can't Touch This

I have posted once before about the annoying little man at my office who has worked there forever and likes to go around startling innocent people while they are quietly working. I call him Mr. Boo and I didn't have much interaction with him before so wasn't a target of his insulting and unprofessional scare tactics - but I am now.

We are working on a project team together and sadly I am on his radar now. He knows who I am and he walks by my cube and tries to scare me on a daily basis. But I am unflappable. He never scares me and I can tell that it is frustrating the hell out of him.

Mr Boo (tiptoeing just out of my sightline - then suddenly leaps into view): BOOOOH!!!!!

Me (barely looking up, calm as a fucking ninja): Oh hey Mr. Boo. What's up?

Mr. Boo: Nothing. Just wanted to give those specs you asked for. (Walks away dejected.)

I had hoped that by flatly ignoring him, eventually he would get bored and leave me alone, but unfortunately I think he may be looking upon my smooth, un-scare-ability as a challenge. I was all smug about it until late this afternoon when he flung a pinata shaped like steer over the wall of my cube and tried to hit me in the back of the head with it while making loud moo-ing noises. It was on this fishing pole kind of thingy so he took a couple of swings.

I could see it coming at me in the reflection of my monitor and he missed anyway. What an asshole.

Mr. Boo will never get me. Never. But I am starting to be a bit frightened that he will never stop trying and it's gotten very old already.

I'm a Perky Bitch

Your Extroversion Profile:

Assertiveness: Very High Cheerfulness: High Activity Level: Low Excitement Seeking: Low Sociability: Low Friendliness: Very Low

How Extroverted Are You?

Tink Itt's Brocken?

Haz annyboddy elst notaced tat teh spelcheker on Blogger iz nit werkin?

Prolonging the Magic

It's Thanksgiving Eve and the trees and shrubs in our yard still have half of their leaves on them. Some of the leaves are still green. I'm almost too freaked out to enjoy it.

Who knows how long it will keep up? In all the previous years we have lived here the leaves on the shrubbery between our house and our neighbors behind are gone right after Halloween, leaving us with no protective shield between us and them. Almost the entire back of our house is huge picture windows. Theirs is the same.

In the winter time we are all up in each others business, visually.

We are clinging to our privacy for all it's worth by walking around in our underwear a little more often than we normally would do.

I can't help but wonder if our neighbors are doing the same.

My vote? Probably not.

They don't strike me as the kind of people who give a shit what the neighbors are up to as long as it doesn't involve property lines and barking dogs in the middle of the night. Certainly they are not the kind of people who create imaginary underwear wearing contests with their hermit neighbors.

They are a couple who appear to be about our same age or younger with no children and a very old black Chow-Chow that doesn't bark. We have seen the man-husband practicing his putt while sporting a jacket with a logo for a competing soft drink company than the one that MDH works for. That by itself is enough to make us avoid them.

They do seem really nice and sometimes I hear them in the warmer months in their backyard when they have parties and barbecues. Based on their 1992 Top Forty type of musical selections at these parties MDH and I have decided that other than not having children, we have nothing in common with these people and we will do everything in our power to avoid meeting them. Forever.

I think that we are just not nice people.

Enjoy the picture above of me back about 35 years ago when I was a little more neighborly. That's me (squinting and dressed for a snowstorm) and and my next door neighbor Mrs. French who I thought was the most beautiful old lady ever.

She smelled like pineapples and Ben Gay and showed me how to grow my own avocado by sticking toothpicks in the pit and suspending it in a glass of water in the kitchen window. I wasn't really sure what an avocado was, but I liked the idea of turning garbage into a fruit you could eat.

Miss Lady Regrets

Saturday night MDH and I went to see the local Pops Symphony with a guest singer doing the songs of Ella Fitzgerald. It was very romantic. Also now I have all of those beautiful old standards swirling around through my head instead of the Menard's jingle for a change. Do you know that I refuse to ever shop there because of that stupid ass jingle. I'd rather kill myself than save big money at Menard's.

Anyhoo...

When we got home there was a message from my best friend Amy. I hadn't talked to her since before we went to Boston last Thursday and she sounded kinda down. The message said that she had some interesting information to share with me about her ex husband Assface, but that she may not be able to talk about it because it was her weekend with her daughter LBL, and she never spills about Assface in front of LBL (unlike Assface who says nasty shit about Amy to LBL all the time).

I called her and LBL was right there so there was no spilling, but we caught up on everything else and she'll probably call me tomorrow with the Assface report. Meanwhile I asked her if she'd had a chance to finally read my blog and was thrilled to find that she did! She read the Ass Fatties one that is really about her and her husband Ted and said she'd read a couple of others and really enjoyed them. I was thrilled.

Her opinion is really important to me, but she's way too busy most of the time to even sit down and watch a TV show, let alone read all my hot air.

Amy: You should write about the time that you set yourself on fire in McDonald's.

Me: That is uncanny! I did, a couple of posts ago.

Amy: Oh! Then you should write about the time that you tossed cat food into the air conditioner.

Me: Weird! I did! I just posted it today. Wait. What? I didn't toss it so much as I fell down. It was an accident.

Amy: Then you should write about the time that you threw the frozen turkey at Assface.

Me: Yeah, that might be funny...

Amy: or the time that you threw the frozen chicken in Kroger.

Me: What? I don't remember doing that... why would I do that?

Amy: or the time that your cigarette fell into the mailbox on James Road and you got all the mail back in a plastic bag a week later and the letter that said they were looking for the vandal that destroyed your mail.

Me: oh yeah, and then my boss went around telling everyone that I threw the cigarette into the mailbox as if I did it on purpose. It was an accident.

Amy: or the time that you dog sat for Assface and me and the dogs ate open the trash bag and your panty shields were all over the back yard when the insurance guy came over.

Me: It looked like really big confetti. I didn't think they would dig them out of the trash like that. That was an accident. Besides if the insurance guy had come to the front door like a normal person he wouldn't ever have seen them. What's wrong with people?

Amy: or the time that you were stuck behind a bus in traffic and honked your horn at it and then saw the lady in the wheelchair getting off the bus.

Me: Listen. It was taking a really long time and I had to pee.

Amy: or that one time that you...

This wasn't the exact conversation, but it's not too far removed.

She could have gone on like that all night.

She has so much good dirt on me.

Blog Fodder or Lack Thereof

I've run out of blog fodder today. So instead of not posting anything (probably the smarter option) I have prepared in advance this garbage post consisting of one of those annoying 20 questions type of things. I've a feeling it sucks and is a royal cop out.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
Why the fuck would I do that? Does it work?

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
Once I dated someone six years younger than me for way longer than necessary. I thought he was just inexperienced and naive but it turns out he was dumber than a hay rake.

Ever been in a car wreck?
Several, but only one was my fault.

Were you popular in high school?
I was practically invisible and that was all right by me.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
Several, but only one was my fault.
Actually I met MDH on Match.com - we could be one of those barfy couples in their commericials.

Are looks important?
In the arena of love looks are not as important as shared values and pheromones. In the arena of life in general I think it's important to look and smell as if you care at least a little bit about your personal grooming.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
My friend Bob who I met when I was a sophomore in high school. We're not that close anymore, but we are still good friends and keep in contact.

By what age would you like to be married?
Most of my life I would have said never, but I finally tied the knot at age 35.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
After negative test results for AIDS only if it's in my face and drunk dialing my house on a regular basis and calling me a whore. Otherwise the sleep number is not a factor.

Are you a good tipper?
I am an excellent tipper and woe unto those who dine with me and deny altogether or tip a paltry 15% when fine service has been provided.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
$100 American dollars plus 20% tip.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Not as a student, but later as an adult.

Have you ever peed in public?
Not on purpose. I'm not sure it's physically possible for me to do such things. I tend to freeze up if the gaps on the doors of public bathroom stalls are too wide.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Lick It Up. Just kidding probably something equally inappropriate though.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Only if I get to cook it myself. I would make chicken fried steak (the secret is to use a lean pork chop that you have pounded the crap out of until it is flat as a pancake), mashed potatoes (I leave the skins on) with lots of real butter, corn on the cob with lime juice, salt and lots of real butter, and of course this meal has to have biscuits with flour gravy. I love this meal, but never make it because it could kill me. If I'm going to be executed anyway I'll probably have second helpings.

Beatles or Stones?
Why do I have to choose? See? This is why I'm agnostic.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
Someone who is terminally ill and in pain and wants to die anyway.

Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Yes please. If you make me choose I choose red wine.

Do you have any phobias?
I'm agoraphobic and frightened of large open spaces. Being in too small of a boat on the ocean gives me a panic attack. Also can't snorkel or swim if I can't see the bottom. I'm also claustrophobic but not panic inducing, more aggressively irritated in large crowds of jostling people. Riding a crowded subway is infuriating to me. People behave like such animals and I need to maintain a rather large perimeter of personal space. I used to also be afraid of the bathtub in our old house. It was one of those giant jetted tubs and the house was really old and I was afraid that if I filled the tub with water and got into it the weight would make it crash thru the kitchen ceiling.

Jesus, I'm a mess.

What are your plans for the future?
I'm really more of a live in the moment kind of gal. But we are always planning some kind of travel so will probably be heading off to Europe again soon. I'm trying to convince MDH that Venice is fantastic in the winter after New Year's but before Carnivale. We'll see. I guess I should get a job too.

Do you walk around the house naked?
No. Because of my fucked up ankle it's really uncomfortable for me to be barefoot. I've always got on shoes. Also I have huge out of control boobs so I'm usually wearing a sports bra when I'm comfy at home. When I got out in public I always wear an underwire. So there's a vision, a middled aged women wearing nothing but sneakers and a sports bra. Well, I always wear a watch too.

If you were an animal what would you be?
A big braying ass.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Hang up my keys on the knobby thing behind the back door and ask the cat in the most sickening baby talk imaginable if he missed his mommy. It's disgusting and yet I continue to do it.

Do you like horror or comedy?
Comedy. Violence really upsets me.

Are you missing anyone?
All my Columbus friends.

Where do you want to live when you are old?
Paris, France is our current top contender for dream retirement locales. France has terrific healthcare and the best food in the entire world.

Who is the person you can count on the most?
It's a tie between my husband and my best friend. That sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer just waiting to happen.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Joe Strummer

What did you dream last night?
Remodeling a basement into a bedroom. Really. I have no idea why but I dream of remodeling projects quite frequently.

What is your favorite sport to watch?
A tie between soccer and curling. Soccer because the rules are easy to understand and MDH and I used to have season tickets to the Columbus Crew MLS soccer team. Curling because it's just weird and I love the looks of intense concentration as people push a bowling ball across ice with a broom.

Are you named after anyone?
Nope.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Red wine or sometimes I enjoy a nice mojito, but it's hard to find a good one.

Non alcoholic drink?
Water or iced tea.

Have you ever been in love?
Lots of times.

Do you sing in the shower?
I sing everywhere.

Have you ever been arrested?
Nope.

What is your favorite Holiday?
July 4th

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Maybe. In fact I probably should.

Have you ever caught a fish?
Yes. When I was 10 I went fishing with my uncle Al and kept catching the same stupid bluegill over and over again. The poor things head and mouth were all torn up from my clumsy hands ripping out the hook so many times. It was repulsive and I've only fished one other time after that when I bought fly fishing lessons for MDH and I fished for about 5 minutes. I had a minor freak out when a fish nibbled on my lure and I stopped immediately.