Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The One That (I) Didn't (Drive) Get Away

I've been reading posts by Killer of Killer Rants about his (hilarious)experiences with online dating, which inspired me to rummage and rummage through my desk drawers in search of the only emails I ever printed (and bothered to save) between me and MDH when we first met 8 years ago on

Yes. We are one of those revolting "success" story couples like you see in the commercials.

My handle was "Smarty Pants" but I can't tell you his because he still uses it in his professional endeavors and as an internet politico/pundit/mouth off. Can you believe it? He still has been using the same email address/handle for like 12 years.

I don't remember my exact profile, but it didn't contain a photo or any sexual content whatsoever. The only allusion I made to my looks was to say that I had all my own teeth, had blond hair and green eyes and that I could both see and touch my toes. I mentioned the importance of dental (making sure not to use the word "oral") hygiene and the regular flossing of ones teeth as a requirement to responding to my profile. A hopeless romantic, that's me.

At the time I was over the whole internet dating thing, having tried it vigorously the previous year. Although I'd had a lot of fun and met some interesting and really terrific men folk (an attorney, an English prof, an Historian who had recently published a cool book), I was not too keen on dating anyone because I was busy with school and enjoying an unencumbered lifestyle. I was merely dabbling in order to help a friend who was in a dating slump in order to show her how easy and fun online dating can be. I set up a profile so that she and I could peruse (and giggle over) the profiles of local men in order to (hopefully) prove there were some decent ones out there.

His profile was not impressive to me and seemed really goofy. It mentioned Elvis, a love of Guinness and "Ganja", international travel and being a "Corporate Slug". He wrote to me because my profile came up in his list of possibilities and I lived within a 10 mile radius of his apartment.


I'm going to reprint an email that I finally found in my messy desk, that I had written to him after we had corresponded a few times. After a few witty email volleys, I liked him and his writing style, but the email he had written to me prior to the response below contained a lot of sexual innuendo, which wasn't kosher or appropriate given the stage at which our correspondence was developing. I considered myself a real pro at dating, online or otherwise by this time, and knew that I wanted to meet and get to know a real person and not just have some slobbering fool for a quick hook up. I was then and remain, a lady after all.

It's very personal, but what the fuck? You guys know most my business already.

Subject: WTF - Round the Mountain of Passion?? Jesus.

Dear Sir,

What's up with all the "mountain of passion" talk, horndog? Settle down man for god's sake. For all I know you look like Jesse Helms and clean your ears with your car keys, so chill out wouldja please? Besides you're making me blush and go all giggly.

Meanwhile for the less "touchy" topics (he had asked me about musical preferences and clubs I liked): I used to go to Blah Blah (a club he mentioned that he liked) when it was called Blah and located further north across from the Blippity Blah (a crappy diner). As a matter of fact, I used to live right behind it and went there all the time. I've seen so many shows there and the best thing about that place is that it's so small you may get to talk to the band later. I've seen Psychic TV there, They Might Be Giants, Throwing Muses, and many more! But as I'm sure you can guess from that line up, it was quite awhile ago. The last show I saw period, was Squirrel Nut Zippers at the Rhythm & Food Festival downtown, last summer. (Turns out MDH was at the same show and we were only about 10 feet apart.)

What did I read when I was at the lake? A biography of Sara and Gerald Murphy called Everybody Was So Young: A Lost Generation Love Story, and I also re-read a sci-fi selection of short stories by John Varley called The Ophiuchi Hotline. Yes. I'm a geek and I don't care who knows it. The houseboat trip was relaxing, private and secluded and the water was so clean I could see my feet when I was swimming. The water didn't smell like bait either.

What's your story? You seem to be putting down my town
(Columbus) all the time, where are you from that's so great?
Hmm? (Boston)

What kind of corporate slugging do you do? Do you have one of those weird important sounding titles that doesn't really mean anything and no one is really quite sure what you do? Like Vice President of Bean Counting, Rubberband Balls & Acquisitions? AND do you enjoy whatever it is that you do do?

Where have you done all of this traveling you go on and on about bigshot?

Miracle Whip or Mayonnaise?
Coke or Pepsi?
Carpet or hardwood floors?

Who the hell are you anyway? Tell me some personal stuff and lay off the sexy talk.

As far as movies... there are a ton of (hopefully) good ones coming out this fall. Mumford is lookin' pretty good also Fight Club, Inside (or is it Being?) John Malcovich, American Beauty. Anyway, I tend to think movies are a bad idea for dates because you can't really talk, but it's a sure fire way to shut me up for a couple of hours.

I just re-read this one last time before hitting send and I'm hoping that I'm not coming off sounding like Alice from the Brady Bunch. Well, whatever, I'm much cuter than her.

S. Pants


SkylersDad said...

Yeah, I remember your profile. I sent you a picture of my freshly flossed tooth, remember? Kinda sad how you ignored me...

The Guv'ner said...

Hahaha, excellent! I often wondered who had success from match dot com and THERE YOU ARE! And you're not psychos. Crazy assed loons yes, but psychos, no. Well done.

Tell me the smutty talk continued on the actual first date??? :) Just for entertainment (of me!) naturally.

Now I am all nostalgic for some live TMBG. I might have to settle for some iPodded TMBG instead seeing as how I'm at work and all.

CDP said...

Nice! I too am a right priss, so I like how you put him in his place. He obviously did, too.

Some Goofy Woman said...

I can totally see why he picked you. All that sass and cute, too? What a package!

Just kidding. You're a person, not a package.

Or whatever PC crap it is they say.


Churlita said...

I could never do the on-line dating thing. For one, my town is WAY too small and for two, I'm too chicken. I do love to hear the stories though. After reading that email, it's no wonder he married you.

landis smithers said...

you SO tacked a naked pic onto that email, didn't you?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skylersdad - I'm sorry if I ignored you - but a girl has to have some standards.

Guv - We are crazy, no smutty talk until a 4th or 5th date for me. Wait. Crazy or prudish? Prudish.

CDP - I still do and he still appears to like it.

Goofy - Welcome! Thanks for visiting. It's ok to use the word "package" here. Totally fine.

Churlita - I never expected in a jillion years that I would marry someone I met online, but I had fun looking.

Smithers - Welcome to my blog! No. I didn't. I thought maybe I'd want to go out with him eventually. So, no sneak previews of the (not so) goods. :)

Jamie said...

Layin' the smack down! Glad to hear it all worked out for the two of you!

minijonb said...

that was an awesome slice in time moment. when do we get to see his response?

Family Adventure said...

Excellent! You put him in his place while still being clever and cute. I *like* that!

I loved Skylersdad's response, too :)


Tara said...

It's actually inspiring to know that a real person has met another real person on those dating sites. All I see are those lame EHarmony commercials, and those make me want to turn the channel or put them on mute. But the fact that someone can find something on is very good to know. Maybe I'll try it again.

Your email to him was so good. Very open, very honest and funny. "horndog" (giggle)

pistols at dawn said...

Well, it's good that somebody got something out of online dating. I'm not a fan, because anyone can be interesting in written form, but there's a certain physical chemistry you just can't capture meeting online. I went on three said dates, and decided to give them up forever after that.

Also, after "what's with all this ribald talk?" I think 95% of dudes (me included) would have given up. So perhaps it was meant to be after all, though I also don't believe in that. I can't imagine why I'm the single one.

Step Right Up said...

That's great that you saved that! But I have to admit that I do miss actual love letters written with old fashioned pen and paper. I don't have anything I could really classify as "love letter" from P but if he does actually 'write' something sweet I make sure to save it!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Jamie - so far so good and no real smacking.

Minijonb - I wish I still had it, but alas it is lost. Whatever he wrote it worked because we continued to write and soon (very soon) after I agreed to go on a date.

Heidi - In reading it after all this time it struck me how amazing it was that he still liked me and didn't think I was some nutty prude.

Tara - we are lucky, lucky people and not at all representative of the norm. Dating, no matter where you choose to meet your victims, sux. But it can't hurt (as long as you don't get your hopes up too high and have many other things in life that keep you happy and occupied) to try. ;)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - MDH and I are freaks for sure! Blind dates never worked out that great for me before for exactly that wrong chemistry, lack of physical attraction reason. Sometimes I would get disappointed and try to force something, but that's no good either. If I liked someones writing and style I would usually agree to meet with them at least once to get a good look and whiff of the pheromones and if it ain't there, then bye bye. But it was tiresome.

And no dirty talk online when I met someone new - that just seemed like common sense to me. I figured, everyone wants to get laid and I could have done that anytime, but not everyone wants to get together.

SRU - the hand written stuff came later and we still do it sometimes, but we always send sappy emails to each other - they are easier to read.

Princess of the Universe said...

You saw They Might Be Giants??
So...are they giants or what??

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I've seen them twice and they are normal sized although the audience was full of rug rats and I felt like I belonged out in the lobby with the mothers.

another good thing said...

I totally would have done you.

rebecca said...

I love your story. It's good to hear about a happy marriage. We're in year 4 and already communication consists of grunts and hand motions. Do full sentences and sweet talk make a comeback in later years?

Betty said...

I LOVE this! I love it for soooo many reasons. The first one being is that I too have partaken in quite a few online flirtations that never really went anywhere ( and the one that is still going is up in the air)

I love that you told him straight, cut with the sex joke crap and tell me about yourself.
Yes! I am totally there with that as well, do they really think we are going to be swayed by that innuendo stuff?!

I'm so glad this is sucessful love story, it gives me hope.

I loves ya!

evil-e said...

Me and my Renee did a hybrid version of this....we actually met in person at a birthday party for a common friend.

She friended me on MySpace, we vollied back and forth, got a little more serious, talked going out, went out, and then decided we liked each other. The computer thing was sort of an electronic go-between.

When are you two going to be on the commercials for Match....?

Michelle said...

I love that you met through an on-line service! My best-friend met her husband on-line, too. They never would have met if it wasn't for the internet! Gotta love it.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Ha! That's fabulous. You know, I actually know alot of people who met on the internet...I think there is something to it and am glad you are one of the successes!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

AGT – Don’t I know it?

Rebecca – Welcome to my blog! We did a lot more writing when we were both on the road, traveling all the time. We would also send each other postcards from our various locations with sexy lovey notes on them. Write your sweetie a little something and see what happens.

Betty – Good! You were also part of my inspiration for posting about it. I’m no dating expert for sure, in fact I’m pretty sure I’m full shit, but I’m happy in love and more inclined to wish the same for others. Hope.

Evil – we sent a wedding invitation. They didn’t RSVP. I thought online dating was cool because you can choose to meet or not. I tended to have problems with dudes I met in the real world who would pester me after a refusal and had to get my phone number changed and call the cops a few times. So online dating was a way to avoid some of that crap.

Michelle – Frankly, if I’d met him in person without writing to him first I would have thought he was intimidating because he is really intense and had a fancy job and a fancy education. But after writing and getting to know each other a bit that just seemed ridiculous.

Stepping – I’m glad too! MDH is this amazing person who I always feel lucky to know, let alone be married to.

Killer said...

I would have preferred an email like that. All mine just talked about how great their cats where and how desperate they were for company.

It felt like the next step after email was assumed to be marriage.

Dick Small said...

Miracle Whip over Mayo any day.

Superstar said...

Smarty pants my a$$ you are one shnarky lady!!! I LIKEY!!!

I am currently doing the e-harmony. I tried and found trolling for the REAL men was nearly impossible next to the "problem" men...LOL ;o)

I like it!

Dick Small said...

Um, I don't see my first comment... Am i hallucinating that I left a comment when I didn't???

Dick Small said...

PLEASE DISREGARD!! i FOUND my comment on a PREVIOUS post! it IS there!