The Psycho-Agoraphobic Diet Plan: Stale Saltines & Artichoke Hearts

It's not quite that bad, but our cupboard is rather bare, so a meal of stale crackers and artichoke hearts from a can is not too far removed from the menu possibilities. I despise leaving the house this time of year and often end up talking myself out of it.

I've been putting off grocery shopping, hoping to make it until after the holidays, in an effort to avoid holiday shoppers, overful parking lots and long waits in check out lines. Ridiculous you say? Yes, you are correct. I'm an idiot or possibly agoraphobic. Now I've really fucked up because I've waited all week and now it's Saturday, the absolute worst day for food shopping.

Just in case you were wondering - I overthink everything. My brain is a constant cacaphony of henlike blathering and mapping out crazy schemes to make to make my life easier. It never works, but it goes a little something like this (please don't read the whole thing, just kind of scan over it and notice the crazy, disjointed, constant commentary and it should give you a good feel of what it's like to be me - exhausting):

damn, we're almost out of yogurt. i should put on some pants and go to superfuck's (big box grocery where my favored brand of yogurt is always on sale), but if i go to superfuck's i'd better go on monday so i can avoid the crowds, otherwise you gotta park in siberia and it's supposed to snow today and my car might get plowed in while i'm shopping like it did that one time, and then it'll be in a big filthy snow pile and i won't be able to find the car because the snow pile will muffle the sound when i hit the "panic" button on the fob (what i normally do when i lose the car in giant parking lots), but it's not monday, it's the second to last saturday before x-mas and superfuck's will be really crowded and the shelves will be empty and i'll have to ask for help, because they never have what i want when it's not the second saturday before x-mas, ok, how can I avoid going to superfuck's today? going there always sucks ass, i should call mom, i'll call her later, or should i call her now while i'm thinking about it, fuckit, i'll just send her an email, maybe I can just get a few things to get me through the weekend at overpricey's (the glamourous, fancy expensive grocery store located down the street from us in the glamourous, fancy, expensive suburb we share a zip code with), ok, what pants will i wear, what am i making, i'm making portuguese kale soup, what do i need for that, mainly kale, do they have kale at overpricey's?, and is it decent kale? shit, i bet they don't, there was that one time that boy at the cash register didn't know what avacados were and then when i got them home they were all brown inside, we need kale, maybe i should drive to whole foods (2 and a half hours away in ann arbor), they always have good kale, it might be fun if mdh went with me, we could make a day of it, yeah, we'll got to ann arbor for the day and then i won't need kale at all because i can't make portuguese soup if i'm out of town all day, wait, then the linguica will go to waste, that would suck, that would be crazy to drive all the way to ann arbor for yogurt and kale besides their organic milk is too expensive and waste linguica, no, no i'll just strap on a hard one and go to superfuck's, damn i hate superfuck's, what if i don't make portuguese kale soup today, what then? well, some sausages will go to waste and i can't get linguica anywhere around here, i have to pee, maybe i should go pee, i should clean the bathroom, what would we eat if i didn't make portuguese soup, maybe i should focus on what i do have in the house instead of always focusing on what i don't have, i should try to be a more positive person, i'm alwyas so negative and that's no good, let's go look in the pantry, where the fuck is my good pen, i'm hungry for sweet potatoes, we're almost out of yogurt, ok, we've got black beans, artichoke hearts, how old are those crackers? what smells in here, oh shit sweet potatoes? how long have these been in here? shit i should just strap it on and go to superfucks, what pants should i wear...

So what ends up happening when my fat head gets this overstimulated? NOTHING. I will concoct some crazy meal from scraps and then feel like a crazy lazy shit for not going to the store.