Friday, December 14, 2007

In Response To Your Google Search Query #6

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "response to being called a monkey's uncle's aunt",


Aw Sweetie, if you were insulted by this enough to Google for a snappy come back then I'd say you're a tad bit on the sensitive side. Also I think maybe you are too late and the moment has passed and best to just let it go. If you hunt down the person with a come back at this point in time they will think you even more of an inbred simian. It's all right Darlin', let it go.

Besides, coming to my blog for answers may have been a big mistake as I am likely to call you much worse.

Just what kind of backwater, inbred clan of gypsy hillbillies do you live amongst? I'm not saying that as an insult, but more rather wondering if perhaps we are related. You aren't by chance from Kentucky too are you? And if so, what holler? Tell cousin Buell that Lady says, Hey!


Having such a strange and yet too familiar brew of DNA, no wonder you weren't able to think quickly enough of a snappy come back.

If you've got an extra chromosome or 3 and someone has insulted your family heritage, I think your best course of action, boring as it may be, is to put down that banana, stand erect and ignore them.

Chin up, head back. Stand proud. Don't let those knuckles drag the ground darling, it's bad for your posture and it'll ruin your manicure.

Yes. Take the high road, don't beat your chest and throw poo. That would just be playing into their game and you shouldn't give them the satisfaction, and besides just who is going to clean up that mess?

If they insist on calling you names, you can always kill them with kindness or a blunt instrument. But if violence isn't your style give them a pie:

Everyone Loves Banana Cream Pie
1 cup low-fat chocolate wafer cookie crumbs (from about 3 cups cookies)

1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon instant espresso powder, dissolved in 1 tablespoon water
1 teaspoon canola oil
2 bananas, sliced
2 tablespoons banana liqueur
1 cup prepared marshmallow cream
7 ounces non-fat whipped topping, thawed
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate shavings

Make cookie crumbs by processing chocolate cookies in a food processor until they yield a fine crumb. Add brown sugar, espresso, and oil and pulse until blended. Press mixture into the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie pan and set aside.
Peel and thinly slice the bananas. Toss banana slices with the banana liqueur and set aside. In a large bowl, stir the marshmallow cream and whipped topping together. Fold in the banana-liqueur mixture. Spread topping over crust and smooth. Garnish with chocolate shavings, if desired. Refrigerate until chilled, at least 30 minutes.

If they are still mistreating you after eating this then write me back and I'll call in cousin Buell to give them a little talkin' to.

Kindest Regards & Best Wishes!
The Lady

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "my ankle has been hurting is that a sign of cancer",

How the fuck should I know dickhead? Go to the doctor.


CDP said...

a person comes to you for help, and all I I mean they get is insults. damn it.

CDP said...

a person comes to you for help, and all I I mean they get is insults. damn it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - Hey! I was mostly helpful. I gave a good recipe and offered to dig up Uncle Buell.

CDP - got the hiccups?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - :)

Del-V said...

My head hurts after drinking too much. Is that a sign of cancer?

Thank you Google for the free medical consult.

Family Adventure said...


and how did the 2nd interview go?


minijonb said...

Dear Dr. Lady Who Does Not Lunch,

Will blogging cause cancer?

Thank you,


Superstar said...

i found your site, when I was searching for a lunch delivery! heheheheheh...Ok not really...but I was trying to prove Im smarter than the bearded family!!!


So did you take that Mid shift job? How is it going if you did???

Anonymous said...

MAN, some people are so sensitive.
*rolling my eyes*

The Guv'ner said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You never fail to crack my shit up, Lady. Those queries are just insanely funny. Poor Luanne and her lack of witty comebacks. Thank God she has you to put her straight.

And poor cancer ankle. Really I think they needed that prod to see a doctor. You do good work.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, you SHOULD be a doctor with your warm bedside manner :)

Anonymous said...

And this is the very reason why I read your blog. Great response!

Churlita said...

Awesome. It's not okay to fling poo?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Ankle pain?!!! Better write your will and get your affairs in order. Ankle pain is almost always deadly.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Del-V - I'm sorry, yes it is.

Heidi - still in a waiting mode... will not write about it until I hear yeah or neah.

Minijonb - I'm sorry, yes it will.

Superstar - I don't deliver, it's carry out only.

Dick - and who can wait that long for the spank? I always think of the snappy comeback 30 minutes too late - but I'd never troll Google for one.

Guv! - I'm gathering quite a collection of crazy queries at this point. I'm here to help.

Suze - I'm cheap too.

SRU - I love you too.

Churlita - baby you can fling whatever you want as long as you clean it up.

BSUWG - This is what I'm saying.

WendyB said...

I thought there was no such thing as a stupid question? Dang!

pistols at dawn said...

Well, now I'm not going to ask you any of the other ways I might have cancer.

evil-e said...

I found your blog because you found mine first. We seemed to have met in the comments section of a certain Iowan's blog. Good find on my behalf.

With that being said, you can still insult me if you would like, I kind of enjoy it!!

SkylersDad said...

Wow lady, you are on fire today!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAH! this was funny and I do love that photo of the monkey holding the gun, touche!