Friday, December 28, 2007

In Response To Your Google Search Query #7

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "iwannabeapornstar",

Good for you!

It's heartwarming to hear from a young person who wants more from life than to sponge off of your parents, go to college or work a thankless and mundane 9 to 5 job. You have a taste for adventure!

Thank goodness you've found my blog!

It is my great pleasure to help you with your career ambitions, as I am an experienced mentor. Although pornography is not really a field that I know very much about I'll give it a whirl. To reassure you of my qualifications, I have recently been single handedly blamed by my sister for talking her daughter, my lovely niece, into dropping out of bible college and questioning her faith in the existence of God. So you are in good hands with me!

With the magic of the inter webs anyone with a web cam, a Pay Pal account and the proper lubricant can be in the business of porn, but alas, not everyone can be a star. I applaud your ambition and your desire to take the road less traveled. The world would be a much nicer place if more people earned a living doing the things they love.

You've got stars twinkling in your eyes so fuck night school classes, Junior Achievement and the Four H club! In fact, if you film it and post it on the Internet, you'll have a head start to reaching those lofty career goals of yours.

Here are some handy tips to help you on your journey:

1. You'll have a lot of competition so you will have to find your "niche". It's easy if you've got a hand mirror. If you haven't got a hand mirror, you can always let the public find your niche for you by having your picture taken by the paparazzo as you remove yourself from a car with no undies on.

2. Get vocal! Hire a voice coach so that you can learn the proper diaphragm exercises to keep those grunts, pantings and orgasmic oohs and aahhs sounding authentic and convincing without running out of steam.

3. Learn yoga. Keep that spine flexible and your chakras aligned. Tap that third eye, if you know what I mean!

4. Give yourself a great new name, something that sounds exotic, yet familiar. Too bad Paris Hilton is already taken!

5. Remember, Practice Makes Perfect.

See you in the movies! Probably not though since I'm not really a big fan of porn, but nonetheless -
Kindest Regards & Best Wishes!
The Lady


Anonymous said...

Wow, is this why my niece all of a sudden wants to be called "Bambi Buns"?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Yes, it seems I am a terrible corrupter of neices. Bambi Buns? She's got a wonder future ahead.

BTW - my sister seems to forget that my other neice wants to be a pastry chef after her ministrations in the kitchen with me.

Anonymous said...

For someone "who's not in to porn" you have me convinced otherwise.

You were so good at talking your neice out of bible college. Don't stop there. Tell the other niece the evils of culinary school. I say be consistent in crushing their goals and dreams or at least piss your sister off for a little fun.

WendyB said...

Thanks for the info....I'm just worried this jewelry thing is not working out so I'm considering my other options.

Leonesse said...

I don't understand why your sister is so upset. Apparently you are at 50/50. Does she have any other children? It's kinda like Auntie Roulette.

Gwen said...

"Tap that third eye, if you know what I mean!" You kill me.

pistols at dawn said...

Also, if you need practice, I know a dude who will help out.

Unless you're ugly.

Or used to be a man.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

SRU - I guess I shouldn't have bought the condoms or the cookbooks.

Wendy - like I said, all you need is a webcam, a pay pal account and some lube, and you've got a new lucrative career.

Leo - Her oldest is grown and flown the coop, so he's a goner, but there is another teen age boy I can I can probably manage to get to question his sexual preferences.

Gwen - sounds like you knew what I meant.

Pistols - consider yourself endorsed, but stay the hell away from my neices.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Nieces. No spell check in comments - Hee!

constant_drama said...

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! This post is hillarious.

I have a friend that say that she wants to be a porn star. She's not doing anything about it just you know a forbidden desire. I think all women have that, its just whether or not we act on it.

I'm just sayin...

Anonymous said...

You learn something new every day!

I am so ready to immediately run out and become a porn star.

The Guv'ner said...

It's quite baffling to me how any person gets through life without your vast advice, miss Lady!