Lady Hates On Everyone Hard

It's amazing how a little blog post on a Saturday morning can make me feel like enough of of a jackass to motivate me to get out and do stuff. Like all I needed to snap out of my inertia was type it out and read my brand of lazy insanity on a screen.

Embarrassment is a fabulous cattle prod.

That's how I was able to run a comb across my fat head, pull on the closest pair of jeans and leave the house to buy some food to feed my family.

Yes. My family only consists of me, my husband and an enormous house cat, but the small size of our nuclear family unit doesn't dismiss me from my duties. In fact, I feel as though I'm obligated to perform this task to an even higher standard of quality, than say one might hold a normal wife with a few children up against. I seldom, if ever, let my family down.

Yes. What I'm trying to say here is that I deserve a fucking award for leaving the house today to go food shopping. I'm back now and it was like battling the forces of evil all by myself.

I decided to stay close to home, because the roads are kind of bad today, so I went to Overpricey's in the glitzy neighborhood down the street.

The experience was every bit as unrewarding as I thought it would be, starting with the overwhelming number of elderly people who seemed to be out food shopping today in droves, taking up 3 parking spaces, blocking the aisles, standing around chatting, and generally being a nuisance indoors and out.

When I worked in retail, every Wednesday we had what was called "Senior Citizen's Day" where anyone 65 or older, with valid ID could get 5% off of their purchases. I'm pretty sure this was to keep the seniors from irritating the shit out of everyone else on a busy shopping day like Saturday. Also for safety reasons, so that the aisles are not clogged with slowpoke fogies who stand around chatting and sniffing melons, when normal people are trying to get shit done. We'd all be stuck behind them in case of fire and die of smoke inhalation (how's that melon smellin' now bitch?). More likely though, one of them may be injured when a tightly wound, impatient lady who hates to leave the house, knocks them over like bowling pins with her shopping cart.

Saturday may be the nanny's and the maid's day off I think, as I have never witnessed so many silvery blue Lexus/Mercedes/SchmancyCar coups, in the parking lot (there were 3) and empty trophy wife souls (uncountable) wandering the aisles with noisy, designer outfitted tots, on a Monday which is my usual food shopping day. Trophy wives also tend to clog up the aisles, as they do not normally frequent the grocery store and don't know where or what the fuck anything is.

I had a list and I stuck to it. A miracle. Over all things went pretty OK. I found what I wanted and when it was time to leave the checkout wasn't too crowded, although the woman in line in front of me asked to have 3 of the items she purchased (little trees and plants) gift wrapped. So I had to stand around and wait while that happened. (Yeah. It's a fancy pants grocery store.) Otherwise, it was not bad.

Then, in the checkout line, while waiting for the completion of the tree wrapping, I noticed a huge pile up of poofy haired, silicone boobed Barbie's in ski jackets and fur lined gloves waiting by the door and realized that they were all waiting for the grocery valets, the boys/girls who take your purchases out to you car for you. Really ladies? You'd rather stand there like a chump than take your own groceries to the car?

I took out my own damn groceries because I'm made of stronger stuff, although silicone is pretty durable.

Now I'm home, safe, calmly eating cheese crackers and planning tonight's meal. Where's my medal?