Saturday, December 15, 2007

Lady Hates On Everyone Hard

It's amazing how a little blog post on a Saturday morning can make me feel like enough of of a jackass to motivate me to get out and do stuff. Like all I needed to snap out of my inertia was type it out and read my brand of lazy insanity on a screen.

Embarrassment is a fabulous cattle prod.

That's how I was able to run a comb across my fat head, pull on the closest pair of jeans and leave the house to buy some food to feed my family.

Yes. My family only consists of me, my husband and an enormous house cat, but the small size of our nuclear family unit doesn't dismiss me from my duties. In fact, I feel as though I'm obligated to perform this task to an even higher standard of quality, than say one might hold a normal wife with a few children up against. I seldom, if ever, let my family down.

Yes. What I'm trying to say here is that I deserve a fucking award for leaving the house today to go food shopping. I'm back now and it was like battling the forces of evil all by myself.

I decided to stay close to home, because the roads are kind of bad today, so I went to Overpricey's in the glitzy neighborhood down the street.

The experience was every bit as unrewarding as I thought it would be, starting with the overwhelming number of elderly people who seemed to be out food shopping today in droves, taking up 3 parking spaces, blocking the aisles, standing around chatting, and generally being a nuisance indoors and out.

When I worked in retail, every Wednesday we had what was called "Senior Citizen's Day" where anyone 65 or older, with valid ID could get 5% off of their purchases. I'm pretty sure this was to keep the seniors from irritating the shit out of everyone else on a busy shopping day like Saturday. Also for safety reasons, so that the aisles are not clogged with slowpoke fogies who stand around chatting and sniffing melons, when normal people are trying to get shit done. We'd all be stuck behind them in case of fire and die of smoke inhalation (how's that melon smellin' now bitch?). More likely though, one of them may be injured when a tightly wound, impatient lady who hates to leave the house, knocks them over like bowling pins with her shopping cart.

Saturday may be the nanny's and the maid's day off I think, as I have never witnessed so many silvery blue Lexus/Mercedes/SchmancyCar coups, in the parking lot (there were 3) and empty trophy wife souls (uncountable) wandering the aisles with noisy, designer outfitted tots, on a Monday which is my usual food shopping day. Trophy wives also tend to clog up the aisles, as they do not normally frequent the grocery store and don't know where or what the fuck anything is.

I had a list and I stuck to it. A miracle. Over all things went pretty OK. I found what I wanted and when it was time to leave the checkout wasn't too crowded, although the woman in line in front of me asked to have 3 of the items she purchased (little trees and plants) gift wrapped. So I had to stand around and wait while that happened. (Yeah. It's a fancy pants grocery store.) Otherwise, it was not bad.

Then, in the checkout line, while waiting for the completion of the tree wrapping, I noticed a huge pile up of poofy haired, silicone boobed Barbie's in ski jackets and fur lined gloves waiting by the door and realized that they were all waiting for the grocery valets, the boys/girls who take your purchases out to you car for you. Really ladies? You'd rather stand there like a chump than take your own groceries to the car?

I took out my own damn groceries because I'm made of stronger stuff, although silicone is pretty durable.

Now I'm home, safe, calmly eating cheese crackers and planning tonight's meal. Where's my medal?


Anonymous said...

There are some regular-folk grocery stores where the sackers (usually a cute high school age boy) take your groceries out to your car for you and load them in. I do have to say I love it.

Weekend shopping sucks b/c everyone is doing it. I'm dreading going to the mall tomorrow for Christmas shopping.

pistols at dawn said...

Your medal is those cheese crackers. That, and letting me know where the hot women live.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

SRU - I have never seen a grocery where they do it for everyone all the time like Overpricey's does. It weirds me out.

Pistols - East Grand Rapids Honey. Come on by and I'll share my cheese crackers with you.

rebecca said...

I can relate--what was I thinking going shopping today? I gave up early, came home, and finished what I was tagged to do...I hope you don't hate that I've now tagged you.

i am playing outside said...

Lunchlady, as someone who used to work at a grocery store, thank you for being a regular human being who can take their own groceries. That is a service more tailored towards the elderly, and that time that the food bank came at 10 minutes to closing and bought like $5000 of canned goods. Not only did i have to ring that all through, but then I had to run outside and load it in a truck. I just wanted to go home!

But there's good news! You made me laugh. I'm talking HAHA LISTEN, I'M LAUGHING HERE PEOPLE. That type of laughing. So you will a spot in my heart and/or blogroll.

evil-e said...

Your medal is with the "medal valets"...they are on the way.

Wow, you are really going today...very spirited for a Saturday. Thanks for entertaining me.

The Guv'ner said...

All I can say is WELL DONE. It took me till 4:30 pm to motivate my ass off the couch and into the cold because I'd promised to go pick up a Nintendo DS Lite for my sister in the UK since they're sold out over there and cost an effing fortune compared to here. Also I had to get my mom a present. I am too broke to have Christmas this year. My family literally all got one small gift and that's it and even that was beyond my budget. At least I went out, got what i had to get and got the hell out before I had to kill people. I hate shopping.

Now I want cheese crackers. Give me cheese crackers immediately please.

WendyB said...

Do you have one of those 50 lb cats that always ends up on CNN?

Churlita said...

I haven't done shit today, so as far as I'm concerned, you do deserve a medal.

Leonesse said...

I have had the busiest flippin' day. And I HATE shopping in most forms.

I want a day where I can stay in jammies all day. And drink beer. And have peace and quiet. Methinks I need to become a monk. Except for that one little thing I won't live without.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

You think those silicone chicks tip the valets? Just wondering... might be a good gig to check out sometime.

Anonymous said...

you deserve your cheese crackers girl!

nearly christmas and everybody is crazy up at the shops..I don't blame you for wanting to stay inside.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Rebecca - tag away! I love it, but probably won't do it till tomorrow.

Player - Howdy! Welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's good to know my anger can make people laugh.

Evil - Thanks, I was on a roll - glad you enjoyed it.

Guv - a least I don't have to walk everywhere like you city folk do. Good luck with your shopping.

Churlita - thanks! I'm sorry that you have to go x-mas shopping. That sux.

Leo - this is why I love online shopping, you can be as drunk and sloppy as you want and chores get done just the same.

BSUWG - Those girls probably have a lot of ones handy. But you know those kids aren't allowed to accept tips. I've tried and they won't take them. I can't stop offering though.

Betty - I didn't even share my cheese crackers with MDH. All mine.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Oh, Hey WendyB - sorry didn't see you there earlier and would hate to miss an opportunity to talk about my cat - he is not fat, just big boned. He is so big (at 16 pounds)that our vet calls him a mountain lion. He is also a big baby and squeaks like a kitten instead of a manly meow like one would expect from such a behemoth feline.

pistols at dawn said...

Ah, there's my problem - I've been spending all my time in West Grand Rapids.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - It's a common mistake.

another good thing said...

Sounds like a cool store- many stories in every aisle.
Do you tip your bagger/grocer valet boy?
I never have.
Around here, our bagboys are all"special needs" or old as dirt and hard of hearing- correction; ours are ALL special needs.