Monday, December 3, 2007

A Town Without Pizza

A new pizza place opened up around the corner from us near the dry cleaners and I was all jazzed about it because we cannot find a decent pizza in this town. Then a few nights ago MDH picked up his dry cleaning and stopped in to pick up a menu. I'm no longer jazzed. I'm actually a little angry.

The place features specialties pies like these:

Polski Pizza:
Kielbasa, sauerkraut, bacon, and onion.

The Grand Coney:
Coney sauce, cheddar cheese, chopped hot dogs, onions, jalapenos, and lightly topped with mustard.

Sauerkraut? Are you kidding me with this shit?

They have normal pizzas and subs on the menu, but I will never order from this place out of sheer repulsion from the image they have burned on my mind's eye of what could possibly be the worst ideas for pizzas ever.

I crumbled the menu and threw it directly in the garbage, where it remained until I realized it might make a good blog post and I dug it out again.

It's back in the trash now.

We haven't really found any pizza we love in the nearly four years that we have lived here. The most decent place we've found is still not quite right. The crust is crispy and has air bubbles, but it has too much flour on it and the sauce is too sweet.

If you live in West Michigan and are planning to send me pizza suggestions - I bet you we've tried it already. But please don't stop, we'll keep trying.

So far our pizza favorites here are Bushy's, an Italian dude with a knack for bubbly crust (mentioned above), but a loud mouthed Bush supporter, and Rude Man's. Rude Man will only deliver to us on slow nights and only if MDH calls (MDH is scary persuasive and they know he's a huge tipper) because we are slightly outside of his delivery range.

We also find ourselves ordering pickup and waiting around in the hellish parking lot of Pizzaria Uno sometimes if we're really feeling desperate. But it's not the same as finding your favorite local pizza joint.

In Victorian Village, our neighborhood in Columbus, we had a place nearby called Adriadicos that delivered a mountainous Sicilian style pie that was a delicious work of greasy art.

There was also available a breed of pizza that I miss terribly and that I'm pretty sure is unique to the Midwest and Columbus in particular - the crunchy thin corn meal dusted crust, cut into squares or rectangles instead of triangles, with very spicy sauce and crispy spicy pepperoni. Donatos (a local chain) specializes in this type of pizza with smoked provolone instead of mozzarella.

I like Donato's fine, but because I'm from the East side of Columbus I prefer a place called Massey's. Their pizzas will make fire shoot out of your ass the next day but it's totally worth the suffering. It also tastes great leftover and cold right out of the fridge. (Picture above of the classic Massy's).

MDH, being from the East Coast and half Italian thinks square cut pizzas are just plain wrong (unless they are Sicilian style). He goes on something fierce about the crime of square cuts and how triangle cuts are the best because they can be folded up. Blah, blah, blah.

Whatever buddy.

A pie is a pie and it gets to my belly the same way no matter how it's sliced - through my pie hole. So shut yours Mr. Man and just enjoy.

We don't bother to get bagels anymore either because they suck here too.

You know what you can get here? Hot dogs. Yeah, hot dogs. There's a buttload of hot dog restaurants here. Three that I can think of off the top of my head that are within walking distance from our house.
That's weird right?

Although it goes far to explain the Grand Coney pizza, there's still no excuse for it. I don't even want to know about the sauerkraut one.


pistols at dawn said...

I wouldn't hold the sauerkraut against them. After all, beggars can't be choosers. I gave up on trying to find "good" pizza anywhere years ago and now I just order from chains because I'm too lazy to look through a phone book.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - we are pizza beggars around here and wealthy with weiners.

Anonymous said...

Why do people screw up a good pizza by throwing crap like that on top of it? Just throw on some decent cheese, sauce and a slice of pepperoni or 2 would ya?

Anonymous said...

No love for the kraut? I guess you wouldn't have had a good time watching movies all day Saturday with me and eating reuben dip. :(

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Suze - exactly!

SRU - I likey the kraut just fine, but not on the pizza pie please. Reuben dip sounds intriguing -
I counter your :(
with a :)

WendyB said...

That photo...what a beautiful pie!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I can send you some good and easy recipes to make your own pizza! We have some fabulous pizza places here in the Boston area. Maybe you should move. :)

CDP said...

OK, first of all, MDH is right. Square cut pizza is wrong and a crime against all that's holy. Secondly, I SO feel your pain. I grew up in Philadelphia, and I always heard growing up that you can't get good pizza outside of NY/NJ/Phila. I found to my dismay that this is completely true. Maryland and DC are full of purveyors of Bisquick covered with Ragu and Kraft, whimsically called pizza. And sandwiches? Don't even get me started on the time during my first pregnancy when I craved a tuna husband got me one, and it was nothing more than Little Friskies on a bun. I shudder to think of it now, almost 7 years later. The good thing is that we can get good Chinese and sushi here. Which does me no good at all when I want pizza.

Anonymous said...

Are there lots of Germans in your area?? They would love that on their pizza I am thunkin'.

Hey, I'm also an extremely passionate pizza supporter. I will go far for a magical pizza...

mushrooms are my best, with cheese, onion and bbq sauce on a thick and crispy base, coated in oil naturally.

Oh gosh, now you've gone and stirred up a feeling in my loins.

yes, that is right. I choose pizza over sex. I'm that dedicated ( and porky)

hhahah! hope you find something good soon :)

Tom the Pooklekufr said...

My friend and his wife make their own. They actually keep a supply of Brooklyn water just for making the dough.

The Polski pizza sounds like the punchline of a Polish joke. But then again, I love pizza topped with garlic paste, jalapenos, mango chutney, chicken, and gefilte fish.

Princess of the Universe said...

I kind of like it when restaurants put "different" things on pizza.

But I'm not a huge pizza fan anyways, so maybe I'm not even technically qualified to comment on this post.

evil-e said...

I am a Kraut and I hate that stuff, let alone on a pizza...what gives?

Cleveland has some really good places for the pie, the problem is that the delivery ares are so small around here.

When you speak of Columbus, I remember a place on High Street near the artistic stoner houses by the Art Institute. I cannot remember the name of the place, but they did the closest thing to NYC pizza I have ever had outside of Metropolis.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Wendy B - that's a Massey's pie! - the only pizza I ever knew until I was in my 20's. Pure comfort food.

Stepping - you are very kind and the Boston area does have some excellent pizzas - we like Vinnie's in Somerville.

CDP - There really isn't any good ethnic food here except for the one Indian place in town and a tapas restaurant. I'm ranting about pizza because it's what I'm craving today.

Betty - I've got to get over to your blog and find out what the hell you've been up to young lady.

Pook - It's a very Polish neighborhood in fact the neighborhood is called Pulaski Square so that explains a lot. Gefilte fish on pizza makes Kraut sound better and better, but hot dogs on pizza can kiss my ass.

Princess - I'm a fan of the BBQ chicken pizza from Cal Pizza Kitchen, but that's about as far as I'll stray from tradition.

Evil - the place in Columbus is across the street from the Wexner Center for the Arts and is called Flying Pizza and it's freaking awesome, but they don't deliver. It was about half an hour walk from where we used to live. We would go there sometimes but only when the OSU students were on a break.
I wonder if it's still there...

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Damn you, this post totally made me hungry. Damn you to hell!

Phil said...

Lutz's in Dowagiac, if they are still there. Godfathers in K'zoo, Bilbo's in K'zoo just off of WMU's campus, Massey's in Columbo. That about covers it unless you have a Papa John's around.


Family Adventure said...

Seeing as I'm supposed to be dieting for the next three weeks, that sauerkraut pizza may come in handy...


Del-V said...

I also hate the gimmic pizza. I think pizza should have one or two toppings at most. More than that and you can't taste anything.

Tara said...

I read this when I was hungry, so sauerkraut on a pizza actually sounded good. How scary is that?

Michelle said...

I love people who are serious about their pizza...I feel for you and hope you find something soon!

That picture is awesome...I'm ordering pizza tonight!

The Guv'ner said...

I like my pizza plain and I have three great pizza slice places on my block at home. Yay NYC!

However, i do love "Two Boots" in NYC who bill themselves as "Cajun pizza" - the two boots are for Louisiana and Italy, get it?

Their pizzas are named after people or characters like "The Wayne Newton" or "Mr. Pink"(there's no entertainment like declaring in front of a room full of people "Gimme some Wayne Newton, baby!") and come with all sorts of freaky stuff on top and a spicy cajun tomato sauce. NUMMY!

Churlita said...

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, there are no good weiners in Iowa. In Chicago, there were hotdog places on every street. Here? Nothing.

AlienCG said...

I like a small, family-owned place in Cleveland called Nunzio's. They have one crust thickness which I would consider medium. It's not too bready, but it also does a good job of filling you up. They don't use tons of sauce or cheese, but they generous with the other toppings.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Donato's sounds exactly like a chain in St. Louis called Imo's -- same exact kind of deliciousness.

another good thing said...

Oh honey, I feel your pain-- been in GA 6 years and I still can't please all of us pizza lovers all the time- Problem with being from NY with an Italian New Jersey mother-- I know good pie.

Chris said...

The best pizza in Sioux City is made by an Italian guy downtown. His pizzas are masterful... He used to own the bar adjacent to his restaurant years ago. I played there a few times with various bands. The owner got mad at us one time (I forget why, but I think it had something to do with pizza) and started throwing our equipment out into the street. He broke a $350 monitor. I don't know why you'd think all this is interesting.

Churlita -- the best dogs I've found in Iowa are at Bob's in LeMars. Other'n that... not much.

rak said...

i live in west michigan... some faves around my town are Skiles and Fricanos.. both thin crust, square cut, and cheap! if you are ever in the Holland area...

minijonb said...

i second Fricano's. good stuff. or try a fancy-pants wood-fired pizza from Rose's or Rose's Express.