Sunday, December 2, 2007

In Response To Your Google Search Query #5

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "gifts for asshole",

Well bless your heart!

Aren't you sweet and thoughtful to have included an asshole on your shopping list this holiday season? Assholes are so frequently overlooked when it comes to gift buying. You might say they always get a bum rap. (Snort! Guffaw!)

Ahh. Anyhoo...

People keep coming here for gift giving advice and I'm as pleased as you are lucky that the magic and wonder of the Interwebs have brought us together. Like peanut butter and chocolate, lamb chops and rosemary, Lucy and Ethel... it was meant to be. Kismet. You have an asshole problem and I have an asshole solution.

I've created this handy shopping guide for assholes with ideas for gifts to please every asshole for every budget:

For the Vain Asshole
Anal Bleaching
Send your asshole to any one of the multitude of cosmetic surgery centers and "medical" spas, now offering this service.
Is your asshole shy? No problem! Buy an at home anal bleaching kit, a bargain at $9.99.

For the Paranoid Asshole

The Glock G26 9mm Sub-Compact $519.95
AKA the "Baby Glock" - Adorable! What gift says "I love you" with more force than a handgun? Give your asshole this beauty and then back away slowly. Small enough to conceal in a purse or pocket! Available in black or candy pink with rhinestone Hello Kitty logo.

For the Animal Lover Asshole
Home Taxidermy Kit $19.95
A thing of beauty is a joy forever but only if you kill it, gut it and pull the skin over a squirrel-shaped form that you've nailed to mini putting green. A gift that keeps on giving, a home taxidermy kit will keep your asshole entertained for hours and leave them with a cherished keepsake to be admired for years and years.

For the Sexist Pig Asshole
Pole Dancer Barbie $24.99
Guaranteed to piss off every woman in the office! This doll knows how to work that pole! Comes complete with garish make-up, frizzed out over bleached hair, and tiny dollar bills to stuff into her elastic waist bikini bottoms.
(Batteries not included.)

That's all for now! Happy Shopping!
Best Wishes and Kindest Regards!
The Lady


Betty said...

oh you crack me up girl. this is a must have list for everybody.

we all know at least one asshole.
Why, I only just saw my asshole a few hours ago, yes, I was called upon by my ex-husband.

always special.

constant_drama said...

I dont do Xmas shopping but the next time an asshole's bDay rolls around I know what to get.

evil-e said...

I have a feeling I know what I am getting for Xmas this year!!

Does the spa having a shooting range so I can use my new Glock?

Funny shit.

Suze said...

You are absolutely hilarious! Pole Dancing Barbie - now that's a Bosses Day Gift if ever I saw one :)

Churlita said...

I will never understand why people feel the need to bleach their bung holes. Is that so people don't think that it has any use other than for sex?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Betty! It's cool when you and I are awake at the same time and we're on the other side of the earth from each other.

Drama - I don't either, so these are gifts for all occasions!

Evil - probably not, but it's a great business concept.

Suze - why thank you! Your post about crap on the lawn made me laugh out loud.

Churlita - amen sista. The use of the word bung-hole makes me snicker.

pistols at dawn said...

If I buy gifts for assholes, the pituitary glands will get jealous, and soon, I'll be buying gifts for everyone. Stop the madness.

Family Adventure said...

I think you've got them all covered there. :)


another good thing said...

HAH! I wonder if I was the only one trying to click to buy the pole dancer Barbie. Funny funny shit.

Step Right Up said...

I have the perfect gift for the A-Hole on your list:


because they are an A-Hole. Duh!

CDP said...

There actually is a Pole Dancer Barbie! I love it! See, I watch SpongeBob with my little boys (and who knows what I'll do when they're 25 and I no longer have a legitimate excuse to watch SpongeBob), and there's a commercial for a Barbie called "Teen Top Model Barbie". She is one skanky hooch of a Barbie, and I think of her as Pole Dancer Barbie...and you have presented her as she deserves to be seen. Excellent asshole gift list...again, thank you for providing a valuable public service.

The Guv'ner said...

I am buying the whole list (but i'm keeping the Pole Barbie for myself for a great conversation piece at dinner parties). :)


Also, peroxiding your cornhole is not a good hobby I'd think. I think getting a life would be higher a priority.

And ANOTHER GOOD THING: Damn! I did it too (the clicking).

Stepping Over the Junk said...

and I thought I was done with my shopping!

Michelle said...

LOLOLOL! You are too funny. How do you come up with all this great stuff?

Catherinette Singleton said...

I know what I'm getting my loved one for Christmas. . .

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