Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "gifts for asshole",
Well bless your heart!
Aren't you sweet and thoughtful to have included an asshole on your shopping list this holiday season? Assholes are so frequently overlooked when it comes to gift buying. You might say they always get a bum rap. (Snort! Guffaw!)
People keep coming here for gift giving advice and I'm as pleased as you are lucky that the magic and wonder of the Interwebs have brought us together. Like peanut butter and chocolate, lamb chops and rosemary, Lucy and Ethel... it was meant to be. Kismet. You have an asshole problem and I have an asshole solution.
I've created this handy shopping guide for assholes with ideas for gifts to please every asshole for every budget:
For the Vain Asshole
Send your asshole to any one of the multitude of cosmetic surgery centers and "medical" spas, now offering this service.
Is your asshole shy? No problem! Buy an at home anal bleaching kit, a bargain at $9.99.
For the Paranoid Asshole
The Glock G26 9mm Sub-Compact $519.95
AKA the "Baby Glock" - Adorable! What gift says "I love you" with more force than a handgun? Give your asshole this beauty and then back away slowly. Small enough to conceal in a purse or pocket! Available in black or candy pink with rhinestone Hello Kitty logo.
For the Animal Lover Asshole
Home Taxidermy Kit $19.95
A thing of beauty is a joy forever but only if you kill it, gut it and pull the skin over a squirrel-shaped form that you've nailed to mini putting green. A gift that keeps on giving, a home taxidermy kit will keep your asshole entertained for hours and leave them with a cherished keepsake to be admired for years and years.
For the Sexist Pig Asshole
Pole Dancer Barbie $24.99
Guaranteed to piss off every woman in the office! This doll knows how to work that pole! Comes complete with garish make-up, frizzed out over bleached hair, and tiny dollar bills to stuff into her elastic waist bikini bottoms.
(Batteries not included.)
That's all for now! Happy Shopping!
Best Wishes and Kindest Regards!