Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Facts According to Me

1. If you have an irritating song stuck in your head on a loop it can be overridden by humming Safety Dance to yourself. If Safety Dance is the irritating song stuck in your head then you must shoot yourself. If shooting yourself is not a viable option then you must sing Safety Dance out loud so that it becomes stuck in the head of someone else as well, because misery loves company.

2. It's not OK to borrow my chaptick so don't even ask. (There are very few exceptions to this - Rachel, Steph, Amy, Becky J, Aria and Playtah, although Playtah would never ask, she could if she wanted to.)

3. The drive up teller or ATM is not the proper place to do your international banking. At least I assume that is what you are doing since it is taking so very fucking long for you to perform your transactions while I sit steaming behind you waiting my turn to withdraw a paltry $20.

4. This one goes out to all you Lonely Hearts (the singles and the marrieds) who may not be getting laid regularly: Taking a nice poo is better than having bad sex*. So keep your bowels healthy and eat lots of foods rich in fiber.

5. Visa is a multinational corporation with an enormous advertising budget who are trying to turn a buck and make you feel guilty with those horrible commercials. They are wrong and it is perfectly OK to pay for things with cash.

*I cannot take credit for this idea - It's from Dave Eggers book You Shall Know Our Velocity. He didn't say poo though, probably shit or dump.


SkylersDad said...

Question for #4:

Is it considered erotic to have sex while having a poo, or does that just make me a sicko?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - Sicko. But I'm sure there are lots of lovely porn sites that will make you feel welcome and normal. You'll find no links to them here. You're on your own dude.

Michelle said...

Having a nice poo is better than having bad sex?!?! OMG, that is hilarious (though sadly, at one point in my life, it was quite true). You seriously have a great sense of humor and a wonderful story-telling talent. You can make anything interesting and fun!

pistols at dawn said...

As long as you've got music, never going to lose it, everything will turn out fine.

Truly, the Lord Byrons of our age.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Michelle - I can't take credit for that I stole the idea from Dave Eggers. Poo is interesting and fun all by itself, but I'm more than happy to take credit for crap ;) so thanks!

Pistols - Words to live by and it's got a catchy tune.

Tara said...

I'll try that "Safety Dance" tip the next time I have a song stuck in my head. Seeing as how it's almost Christmas, and there are Christmas tunes all over the place, I think that I won't have to wait long!

WendyB said...

What do you think of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" instead of "Safety Dance"?

Anonymous said...

What would I ever do without your words of wisdom to guide me through? I'd be out there floundering for sure, trying to get laid when all I really needed was a bit of fibre.

Chaylene said...

You are my new messiah. Expect a call from Oprah any day now.

minijonb said...

i now have "Safety Dance" in my head. you will now have "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies in your head as a tag back. enjoy.


evil-e said...

#4 and are so right on my dear. A good poop can hardly be trumped by anything.

Visa sucks donkey balls...I have done a crabby post about the Visa commercials. Cash does not have a late fee.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Tara - you do run the risk of having Safety Dance as the stuck song, but it seems somehow not as bad as what was stuck before it.

WendyB - Howdy! Sorry I'm not familiar with that one. If it's from the early nineties I was in a goth phase and probably stoned and listening to my Cocteau Twins cassettes.

Betty - Being healthy is always more attractive ;)

Chaylene - Because Ophrah is jealous that I took you away or is she having a special episode about passive aggressive agoraphobics?

MiniJonB - try again sir - I'm not familiar with that tune!

Evil - Stores should be happy to take my money in any form I choose. I may just buy my groceries with pennies and nickels next time. I'll check the floor of my car, I may have enough.

BeckEye said...

I hate when people think they can use my Chapstik too. Who thinks that's ok??

Chris said...

I have found, on occasion, that peeing sometimes is the best thing that happens all day.

r cubed said...

I don't know the Safety Dance, but now I have "Dude Looks Like a Lady" in my head. Thanks WendyB.
Also, women, what isn't better than bad sex? Sure, a good poo beats bad sex but so does a clog sale and half-off Halloween candy.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Beck - hey there! I don't like to let other people have a sip of my drink either, especially toddlers. Too much drool.

Chris - Howdy! It's not on the top of my list, but still better than bad sex.

Cubed - you are totally right! The poo thing is really more helpful to men who don't care for shoe shopping. Shoe shopping is the best.