The One That (I) Didn't (Drive) Get Away

I've been reading posts by Killer of Killer Rants about his (hilarious)experiences with online dating, which inspired me to rummage and rummage through my desk drawers in search of the only emails I ever printed (and bothered to save) between me and MDH when we first met 8 years ago on Match.com.

Yes. We are one of those revolting "success" story couples like you see in the commercials.

My handle was "Smarty Pants" but I can't tell you his because he still uses it in his professional endeavors and as an internet politico/pundit/mouth off. Can you believe it? He still has been using the same email address/handle for like 12 years.

I don't remember my exact profile, but it didn't contain a photo or any sexual content whatsoever. The only allusion I made to my looks was to say that I had all my own teeth, had blond hair and green eyes and that I could both see and touch my toes. I mentioned the importance of dental (making sure not to use the word "oral") hygiene and the regular flossing of ones teeth as a requirement to responding to my profile. A hopeless romantic, that's me.

At the time I was over the whole internet dating thing, having tried it vigorously the previous year. Although I'd had a lot of fun and met some interesting and really terrific men folk (an attorney, an English prof, an Historian who had recently published a cool book), I was not too keen on dating anyone because I was busy with school and enjoying an unencumbered lifestyle. I was merely dabbling in order to help a friend who was in a dating slump in order to show her how easy and fun online dating can be. I set up a profile so that she and I could peruse (and giggle over) the profiles of local men in order to (hopefully) prove there were some decent ones out there.

His profile was not impressive to me and seemed really goofy. It mentioned Elvis, a love of Guinness and "Ganja", international travel and being a "Corporate Slug". He wrote to me because my profile came up in his list of possibilities and I lived within a 10 mile radius of his apartment.

Anyhoo...

I'm going to reprint an email that I finally found in my messy desk, that I had written to him after we had corresponded a few times. After a few witty email volleys, I liked him and his writing style, but the email he had written to me prior to the response below contained a lot of sexual innuendo, which wasn't kosher or appropriate given the stage at which our correspondence was developing. I considered myself a real pro at dating, online or otherwise by this time, and knew that I wanted to meet and get to know a real person and not just have some slobbering fool for a quick hook up. I was then and remain, a lady after all.

It's very personal, but what the fuck? You guys know most my business already.

From: autocc@match.com
To: anon.futurehusbandofthelady@match.com
Subject: WTF - Round the Mountain of Passion?? Jesus.

Dear Sir,

What's up with all the "mountain of passion" talk, horndog? Settle down man for god's sake. For all I know you look like Jesse Helms and clean your ears with your car keys, so chill out wouldja please? Besides you're making me blush and go all giggly.

Meanwhile for the less "touchy" topics (he had asked me about musical preferences and clubs I liked): I used to go to Blah Blah (a club he mentioned that he liked) when it was called Blah and located further north across from the Blippity Blah (a crappy diner). As a matter of fact, I used to live right behind it and went there all the time. I've seen so many shows there and the best thing about that place is that it's so small you may get to talk to the band later. I've seen Psychic TV there, They Might Be Giants, Throwing Muses, and many more! But as I'm sure you can guess from that line up, it was quite awhile ago. The last show I saw period, was Squirrel Nut Zippers at the Rhythm & Food Festival downtown, last summer. (Turns out MDH was at the same show and we were only about 10 feet apart.)

What did I read when I was at the lake? A biography of Sara and Gerald Murphy called Everybody Was So Young: A Lost Generation Love Story, and I also re-read a sci-fi selection of short stories by John Varley called The Ophiuchi Hotline. Yes. I'm a geek and I don't care who knows it. The houseboat trip was relaxing, private and secluded and the water was so clean I could see my feet when I was swimming. The water didn't smell like bait either.

What's your story? You seem to be putting down my town (Columbus) all the time, where are you from that's so great? Hmm? (Boston)

What kind of corporate slugging do you do? Do you have one of those weird important sounding titles that doesn't really mean anything and no one is really quite sure what you do? Like Vice President of Bean Counting, Rubberband Balls & Acquisitions? AND do you enjoy whatever it is that you do do?

Where have you done all of this traveling you go on and on about bigshot?

Pets?
Siblings?
Miracle Whip or Mayonnaise?
Coke or Pepsi?
Carpet or hardwood floors?

Who the hell are you anyway? Tell me some personal stuff and lay off the sexy talk.

As far as movies... there are a ton of (hopefully) good ones coming out this fall. Mumford is lookin' pretty good also Fight Club, Inside (or is it Being?) John Malcovich, American Beauty. Anyway, I tend to think movies are a bad idea for dates because you can't really talk, but it's a sure fire way to shut me up for a couple of hours.

I just re-read this one last time before hitting send and I'm hoping that I'm not coming off sounding like Alice from the Brady Bunch. Well, whatever, I'm much cuter than her.

Sincerely,
Ms. S. Pants

Darling, You & I Are Through

Last night I hosted a sleep over with my new GR girlfriends Rachel, Playtah and Aria. I haven't had a sleep over since I was about 6 and even then my mother wouldn't ever let me have more than one friend over at a time, so this was quite exciting for me. As my guests arrived I answered the door in my PJ's and slippers - something I have never done.

The evening was relaxed and laid back. I chilled some chardonnay and made my special prosecco and pomegranate juice cocktails, but Aria and I were the only ones partaking of the alcohol. Rachel and Playtah drank sodas. I laid out a spread of nibbly things mostly and made a small dish of tandoori chicken bites and as we sat around nibbling the girl talk ensued.

Aria and Playtah are both 25. Since I too was once 25 I can easily relate to many of their woes and struggles. I remember my 20's as a time of much fumbling and somewhat disastrous decision making, especially in the dating department. Not that I didn't have fun and I certainly wouldn't take back a minute of my youth as I firmly believe such fumblings and mistakes were formative in the happiness and security I now enjoy.

The years between ages 25 and 30 were difficult for me. It seemed like I was standing still, watching as most of my friends paired off, got married, started families and solid careers. All I wanted was for someone to fall madly in love with me and rescue me from my stagnation. I was so sure that being in love was the answer to all my real and imagined problems that I was willing to tolerate some crazy and/or annoying behaviour, although for the most part, not for very long.

Thankfully somehow in all instances I was able to slam on the breaks and, although many times heartbroken and disappointed, come to my senses before I did anything rash like move in with someone or get married. I was always the primary breaker-upper in these ridiculous match-ups. What were the tell tales signs that things just weren't right? Some of them were easy to identify and the situation was terminated immediately. Others were hidden from my sight depending upon the temperature of the spark and factor of chemistry, therefore crazy and annoying behaviour was sometimes tolerated for longer than necessary.

Here are some of the deal breakers in no particular order:

• One man told me with no remorse or embarrassment that he didn't have car insurance. He thought it was a scam.


• One man spit on the ground several times as we walked to and from the car, restaurant, etc.


• One man got sloppy drunk, drove to my house to "see" me even though I asked him not to. The deal breaker came when he showed up anyway and then he yelled at me when I admonished him for driving drunk after I'd asked him not to. Don't ever yell at me.


• One man apparently obsessed with wolves, wore a t-shirt with an airbrushed wolf on it to my birthday party where people I knew could see him. That should have been the deal breaker right there, but I really liked him (thought he was very bright and funny). Another deal breaker should have been when he actually bought a pet wolf pup (cub?). But alas, I was temporarily won over when he told me I could have the honor of naming the wolf pup. I chose the name Ivan. The deal breaker came when he overruled my choice and named it Smokey. The pup was gray and brown and this man clearly had no imagination.


• One man bought me a plunger for my birthday. Just a plunger. I kept waiting for something else, a pair of earrings, a bottle of cologne, a single red rose, but no, that was it. Just a plunger.


• One was simply the dumbest person I have ever met. At first I chalked it up to the fact that he was 6 years younger than me and I continued to date him for a couple of months. He was also possibly the sweetest person I have ever met. The deal breaker came when he told me that he there was no more room in his brain for new information and that whenever he learned something new he worried (seriously) that some of the older knowledge was getting pushed out.


• One man, I realized after several months of dating had never introduced me to any of his friends or family even though many of these people lived very nearby. He also told me that he owned a coal mine in another state and had been captain of his college football team. Neither of these facts could be verified.


• One man was a terrible father who constantly bitched about paying child support and on the rare occasions that he could be bothered to spend time with his child would lie to him about why he didn't spend very much time with him. He always said he had to work. The deal breaker came when I realized this man had also been lying to me about such things as having graduated from college and not having sex with other women.


• One man had decorated his living room with framed pictures of kittens. Not in an ironic, kitchy way or because he merely had poor taste. He really liked kittens. A lot.

What's the point of this post Lady?

Well I guess to make my young friends feel better about some of the more unpleasant aspects of dating and relationships. Also to say that once I stopped pinning all my hopes on whether or not some shithead would fall in love with me and started planning my life around the experiences that made me feel fulfilled I actually became fulfilled.

You're lucky to be alive! Have fun! Think about all the other experiences in life that bring you joy and focus on getting more of that.