And Now a Story About Assface...

My best friend Amy had a day in court with her ex-husband Assface today. They have been divorced for over a year, and yet the court battles continue. Their court dates, as I'm sure is the case with many divorces, are costly, frustrating and laborious. She called me while she was driving to the courthouse. She seemed calm and collected and said she would call me and let me know how it all shook out.

I don't normally loathe people, but I loathe Assface more than any other person on this earth. He is a mean spirited little weasel who makes two people I love very much, Amy and their daughter LBL, miserable. It often seems he goes out of his way to do so.

I didn't always loathe Assface. In fact I used to like him, back in the salad days when they were dating and first married. He was kind of weird, but I didn't worry about that too much because Amy is weird, and really for that matter who isn't weird? Certainly I can't point too many of my own fingers at people for being weird. I'm typically a big fan of the weird, being a total freak myself.

Mainly I liked him because he seemed to think the world of her. He laughed at all her jokes and could never seem to take his eyes off of her. He was in love with her made her happy.

Isn't that all you need to know about your best friend's choice in a partner?

After they were married I began to notice all kinds of little things about him that added up to nutty and mean. Not a fabulous combination.

I was able to ignore the nutty meanness for awhile as I didn't really have that much interaction with him anyway, other than when he answered the phone when I called. I always made an effort to engage him in some bit of conversation before asking to speak to Amy. Eventually even having to talk to him for those brief moments when he answered the phone became awkward and for a time, during a phase he went through that Amy and I refer to as his "Hello Period", down right bizarre. The last thing on earth that I wanted was to dislike her husband, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

During his "Hello Period", whenever Assface answered the phone he'd say, "Hello!", all bright and cheery like. I'm sure you're thinking "so what Lady?" Here's what:

Ring! Ring!

Assface (bright and cheery): Hello?

Me (bright and cheery): Hey Assface! How's it going?

Assface: Hello?

Me: Hello?

Assface: Hello?

Me: Hey? Can you hear me?

Assface: Hello!

At this point I realize that there is nothing wrong with the phone, he can hear me just fine and thinks he is making a funny.

Me (laughing): Very funny Assface. C'mon now, please? Is Amy there?

Assface: Hello?

Me (sort of fake chuckling): Seriously. Assface. Is she there? Is she busy? Can I talk to her?

Assface: Hello! Hello! Hel-lo! Hello?

Me (fuming on the inside, but still trying to sound sunny): Allrighty. Jokes over. Please let me talk to Amy.

Assface: Hello?

and so on...

It may have been funny if he'd done it once or twice, but this continued for weeks and the only way it stopped was if Amy happened to enter the room, hear his asinine "Hello?" bombardment and snatch the phone away from him.

I might have taken it personally too if Amy hadn't told me that he was doing it to everyone. His mother, her mother, the insurance guy, everyone. Nutjob. He thought it was HI-Larious. Amy, of course was mortified and began to bust her ass whenever the phone rang, in a race to answer it before he could.

It ended the day I responded to his "Hello?" bombardment with this:

Me: Listen to me you hollowed out little freak, either put Amy on the phone this instant and stop acting like a fucking brain damaged parrot or I will drive over to your house and stab you in the eye with my car keys! You're making it very difficult for me to continue to like you and you are making your wife miserable.

My relationship with Assface was on shaky ground ever since.

She called me later this evening, while I was in the middle of typing this post. She won. He owes big. Hurray. Go buy yourself a Big Mac, honey.