Monday, October 1, 2007

1300 Reasons To Love Casinos

And they all say "In God We Trust".

Yep, this weekend MDH and I were treated to an invitation only soiree for the high roller status members of the new gambling establishment about a 2 hour drive from our house. They made an offer a single income family, one Target trip away from financial despair and starvation, couldn't refuse. Two actually. A free junior suite and a free steak dinner. The junior suite was about 700 square feet (bigger than my old apartment) with a jetted tub, separate shower for two, separate WC, two flat screen HD TV's and an iPod docking station. The steak dinner turned out to be a 28-day dry aged filet so tender I could cut it with my fork. We also got 8 free top-shelf drinks so - cheers!

That's all great stuff, but it gets even better. If you've never been to a non Las Vegas casino you may not understand, but when MDH and I go to these types of places we are no longer the fattest, most un-hip people on the planet. In fact the moment MDH and I step into any number of casinos in Michigan, Indiana or even Canada we are the youngest, most fashionable, most attractive people there. Amid the uncombed, the combed over, the sweatsuited, the toothless, the fanny packed, and the holiday sweatered, we are downright dazzling.

I thought that last night would be different since we were at a VIP event in an elegant restaurant with only about 50 other couples. To my delight not so. We arrived for cocktail hour to discover a sparkling, softly lit space filled with formally attired casino staff members in tuxedos and evening gowns ministering to a roomful of the same types of unkempt zombies we always see farting around the casino. It was bizarre, confidence building and so very entertaining.

As we stood sipping our drinks and sampling the various snacks being offered, MDH and I watched fascinated as a cater waiter with a silver tray of oyster shooters, in some kind of fennel infused cream, approached a man wearing a dirty trucker hat (yes, indoors), a sideless shirt that I guessed he had earned by sending in cigarette carton proofs of purchase 15 years ago (when he lifted his beer to his mouth armpit hair was visible), jean shorts with hanging fringe and dirty flip-flop sandals. Sideless Marlboro and his female companion Split End Ponytail, decked out in the tightest white tapered jeans I have ever seen, some kind of sports jersey and grayish Keds, rolled their eyes at each other as they listened to the waiter describe the milky treat. When he was finished they made sour scary faces as if the waiter had asked them if they wanted to sample a sip of Draino.

The oyster turn down is understandable because many people including me find them repulsive. But a simple no thank you works wonders. No need to roll your eyes all up in your head and make faces and gagging noises. Similar reactions were elicited by Sideless and Split End to the other concoctions offered. Blinis with smoked salmon and some kind of creamy fluff, Tempura lump crab puff with asian chili chutney, medalions of brown sugar braised beef. C'mon people! Not even the braised beef? Reverse snobs they were.

We spent dinner and a good part of the rest of the evening wondering all about Sideless and Split End. Were they staying in the same kind of swanky junior suite as us or did they turn their noses up at that too? When they stay in hotels (or motor inns) do they unpack and hang up their clothes? What kind of appetizer would they have preferred? (My guess was Cool Ranch Doritos and Corn Nuts) Did they send back their medium rare filets and ask them to be well done? Were they on special diets? Have they spent all their money at the casino and thereby have enough points to qualify for elite status, but have to wear rags to all of the VIP events?

All in all we had a wonderful time. It's a drag to stay in a hotel all by yourself, especially when you do it all the time. So it was lovely to stay in such a nice hotel suite with MDH.
Oh, and I won $1300 at 25 cent video poker by landing a royal straight flush.
ps - don't ask how we have elite status - we just do


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You caught a royal flush? I hate you.

I love that pic of the redneck with the tee shirt, though.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hey bug - thanks for stopping by. Now, now don't be a hater - it's bad for your complexion.

I couldn't believe it either.

Michelle said...

You think so much like me, it's kind of scary. Especially that part about not being the fattest, most un-hip people on the planet! So true and so funny.

Churlita said...

So, going to a casino is kind of like going to the Iowa State Fair that way?

I love watching those old women with the hard smoking lines on their faces playing the slots.

Anonymous said...

I would like to go to Las Vegas and play in a high roller casino but it’s an expensive thing to do, even more so when you live in the UK. I have to resort to playing a casino game online instead which lets me win the money but I miss out on the atmosphere, but still save £600 on the 14 hour flight. So until I win big all I’ll do is play online casino dreaming of Las Vegas.