Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #9

Wacky Elaborate Facial Hair
I realize that this man has worked very hard growing and maintaining his fantastical, over the top, beardy creation. But why? It looks like spider webs, molded into the shape of one big giant spider, are attacking his face.

I'm not a huge fan of beards anyway because to me it's just one more thing for food to get caught in. Sometimes I get a little skeeved out if I happen to see a man eating who just has regular non-giant-spidery kind of beard.*

When I look at the photo at the top I don't so much admire the artistry of the man's award winning facial coif, but think to myself, "Gross. That must smell terrible and how on earth would you eat an ice cream cone?"

Speaking of gross...

Fart! The Game
My friends and I usually play Taboo or Cranium when we get together for games. Playing cards is not outside the realm of possibilities either, I mean I'm from Ohio where nearly everyone plays Euchre. This farting game however, is indeed outside of the realm of possibilities at any party given or attended by me. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why we limit our entertainment choices in this way. When your host pulls this game out of the hall closet it's time to grab your Tupperware and say your good-byes. You don't have to go home but you can't stay there.

If any of you reading this are clicking off of my blog to Google this product with the intention of buying it, we can still be friends, but please take me off of your Christmas gift list immediately. Have you people learned nothing from the title of this weekly post?

And since things have regressed to this level...

The Butt Bank
As if it isn't offensive enough already - it makes noises too. Loud and gross noises evidently.

I do not recommend Googling "Butt Bank".

*I'm not saying I hate all beards (or the men too lazy to shave them). But I do intensely dislike sloppy beards where the moustache hairs hang down over or too close to the mouth, especially when food is being shoveled into said mouth and gravy/grease/ice cream/pudding/whatever is getting sucked up into or floating of the surface of the sloppy beard. Then the dude licks it. Aw it's just terrible.

It always seems to be that one red-faced old drunk guy too with the sad tiny gray pony tail, the sunburned freckled pate, and the t-shirt that says "Free Moustache Rides". Dude, who are you kidding? Go sober up and shampoo your face.


The Idea Of Progress said...

When I grow up, I want that beard.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Idea - Then you will only ever get laid by the kind of women who are attracted to men with crazy-ass beard structures. Make sure you have lots of money.

Superstar said...

I am so passing my award of usless trivia info to you!! I would never even thing to "google" a "butt bank"...LOL ;o)

OMG I love that game...Taboo..the one with the buzzer! Ph the fun we had w/ that game!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Idea - or did you mean want like that man would shave it off and sell it to you?

Superstar said...

think...I can't spell tonight...

Family Adventure said...

You know...my 7 year old would get a kick out of both the game and the bank.

But I'm OK with it.

As long as he doesn't end up with that beard. Yuck.


Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahah, I love your posts. I always get a big cheesy grin out of them.

I love the money bank! I'd rather put my money in that arse, than up my own, which frequently happens :)

dmarks said...

Z Z Top. The last word in beards.

Does the butt bank have an A.T.Enema machine for those late-night financial transactions?

Tara said...

There's a guy I met on MySpace who has a beard. He's cute and all, but he ruined it for me when he blogged about getting food stuck in his beard. Blergh! Game over.

Anyway, I won't go into Spencer's Gifts anymore because of some of those crude games and jokes they sell. It makes me feel awkward. You will not see that one game or the bank in my apartment in this life or the next.

Step Right Up said...

BEARDS: my father-in-law and stepdad both have beards. They are nicely trimmed. I'm from Arkansas and there are actually a lot of men with beards there. I think it's the mountain man thing.

FART GAME: my niece and nephew would love this game as their parents have not taught them any manners at all unfortunately.

BUTT BANK: now my warped sense of humor does find that hilarious. P. may be getting one in his stocking.

The Guv'ner said...

I had an ex once whose father had a full nasty beard. He used to eat custard (The UK kind you pour on pie) and it would be all in his beard just clinging to it and I'd be ready to puke on my pie. (let's try to not dwell on that expression). So i hear you. Although your dude there has quite the impressive display of face dreads.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Superstar - If you thing Googling "Butt Bank" is a good idea try Googling "Ass Pantry" or "Bottom Drawer"

Family - I get all high-horsey but these items appeal to me too or I wouldn't have posted about them. I'm always going to laugh at butts and farts.

Betty - We keep our spare change in an old water cooler jug, and I love that you say "Arse".

dmarks - The beards of the boys in ZZ-top appear to be professionally styled and well above the lip/mouth area.

Tara - you are a very smart woman to shy away from a Mr. Swiffer Beard.

I think gag gifts are a terrible waste of money, carbon emmissions and natural resources but I like the idea of them.

Step - I have no problem with tidy neatly trimmed beards. Some of them are quite sexy in that mountain manly way. But keep 'em tidy boys and try not to use them as bibs.

I tried to find out if the fart game actually required the players to fart, but the descriptions were too vague.

There will certainly be more buttish and farty type items in my posts because they always make me laugh out loud.

Guv - the man in the picture won the World Facial Hair Olympics or some such contest. His facial hair is truly remarkable, but icky nonetheless.

Churlita said...

Hey, I thought Iowa was the only place they played Euchre.

I'm with you. I don't understand the point of creative facial hair. Wha?!

pistols at dawn said...

That guy has a Zen garden on his face. It makes me feel tranquil inside, buffeted by the all-knowing forces of nature.

I invested in a butt bank once, but all I got out of it were sores that won't go away.

Chris said...

Why would anyone play with Bob Euchre? I don't get it... (And they tell me I'm at the pinochle of my mental powers, too.)

My wife keeps wanting me to let my beard grow out and get all bushy and stuff (I mean, we are bikers, after all). Maybe someday I will, but every time I let it go it gets to a certain awkward stage and I trim it all back.

The Guv'ner said...

I kind of like beards but it depends STRICTLY on the sort of beard and of course the dude it's on. And that it IS a dude.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Churlita - Nope my mom is the Euchre champion at her club. I never learned though.

Pistols - he does seem really peaceful and happy.

Chris - keep it tidy man. You can grow it long at the chin, but keep it short near the pie hole.

Guv - agreed - they are quite sexy and right for some men, but if they are remotely scraggly and risk the food touching thing all bets are off.