Monday, October 29, 2007

Hurray! I'm For The Other Team

Last night MDH called me into the den to watch a very amusing highlight of the Patriots game against the Washington Redskins. He was all worked up because it seems the Redskins were stupidly foiled by Mike Vrabel. I learned that Mr. Vrabel is not often brought in to participate in the games except for a certain play and that the Redskins were too stupid to recognize that historically without exception, whenever Mr. Vrabel is brought in for that particular play a touchdown is scored by the Patriots. This is exactly what occurred in the highlight that MDH played for me.

He had to explain all these things to me before I was able to comprehend. He added enthusiastically, "It's the equivalent of giving the ball to the Fridge on the one yard line!! You have to know exactly what is going to happen!", chuckling and shaking his head with bemused disbelief. He may as well said, "It's like putting the soup on your head with a ball point!!."

Sports talk means nothing to me.

I think he needs more man friends.

The poor man has had a sports boner all week because the Red Sox are in the World Series and it was super chubby yesterday because not only did we have the World Series going on but also a Patriots football game. We drove like speed was going out of style to get back to Michigan in order to be home in time to start recording sports.

My poor darling is stuck with me as his sidekick and I have never given two shits about sports of any kind. The fact that he hunted me down to have me share in the excitement of a football situation has me slightly worried that I may have led him on Saturday night when I watched the baseball game with him at Amy and Ted's house.

Maybe he was enjoying the game too much to notice that most of my comments were in the neighborhood of about how ugly the Rockies uniforms are (seriously they look like barbershop smocks) and how the one batter guy has a moustache that looks like a 1970's porn star bush. The main thing I came away with from watching the game was fabric marks carved into my face from the sofa cushion and a case of the giggles from the name Coco Crisp.

Here are some other observations:
  • Manny Ramiriez seems quite full of himself. He performed some kind of grandstanding slide into home plate and then declared himself safe. I'm pretty sure that's not his job. He also has some kind of whacked out do rag that I swear to god I could smell from here.

  • Until a few minutes ago I thought his name was Manny Rodriguez.

  • The Rockies uniforms are bad as I have mentioned, and when Ted explained to me that their team colors were purplish blue and black, my response was, "You mean like a bruise?"

  • The Rockies have no brown fans. Where are the brown people in Colorado? I know they have some but they didn't seem to be at the baseball game Saturday night. It was a sea of pasty white faces in that stadium, except for the one weirdo who was clearly confused and went to the WORLD SERIES WEARING A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Did you see him? That guy dressed as the Green Giant? What a tool.

  • The Red Sox fans always look either bored or angry. I know that they have been through a tough time for the past hundred years or whatever, but let's try to lighten up a bit. MDH is guilty of this too. Sometimes he won't even watch the games for fear his enthusiasm will jinx the team.

  • Whoever is in charge of these events should probably have auditioned the musical acts who sing the national anthem. At least get these poor tone deaf yokels some kind of hearing device so that they can be sort of on key.

  • Until about 3 weeks ago I thought the Colorado Rockies were just mountains.

  • There is something about the nature of grand slams, touch down passes, corner kicks or otherwise amazing sports history making events that makes me urgently have to pee, get a drink or otherwise walk in front of the TV. I can't seem to stop myself and may change my name to Hey Lady Down Front.

  • Joe Paterno should put a comb in his back pocket and run it through his hair sometimes. I realize that he is a football coach and this post has primarily been about baseball. I'm not quite that stupid. It's just that the boys were also watching the OSU/ Penn State game earlier in the evening and Mr. Paternos hair looked a fright. I figured I'd mention it while I was at it.

  • Oh god the spitting. The spitting. If you are in the habit of spitting that frequently do you sometimes forget yourself and spit indoors too? I have never seen a female athlete spit so I'm not entirely sure it's necessary.

PS - here is the update on the job sitch - NA DA. MDH's interview in Cincinnati went well and he looked like a million bucks, but he was convinced he is too fat to work for this company and joked that the rejection letter probably beat us home yesterday. I am very gullable and believed him.

I've been out of town all weekend and am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow about my own career development. I'll keep you posted.

PPS - In your face Rockies.


Family Adventure said...

We are not exposed to this World Series in Europe, and I know nothing at all about baseball. I only figured out what you were going on about when you mentioned sliding towards a plate.

I could google this, of course, but, honestly, I care about as much as you do.

And the saliva thing isn't helping...


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Mornin' Heidi - I'm not sure why it's called the "World" Series because I think only the US, Japan and some Latin American countries really care about it. They don't even have any teams represented, only assorted players.

You probably know and care as much about it as me. Although I'm trying.

If you have access to it you may want to rent a film called Fever Pitch with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. It's about a woman who loves a man who LOVES the Red Sox. Not dissimilar to myself.

rak said...

i think i found you through Steppings blog... and you are fabulous!

i've never been a big fan of the game... but i AM a big fan of your descriptions of the game... i'd rather read your play by play anyday:)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Rak - flattery will get you everywhere kid. Keep up the good work ;)

step right up said...

Here's one I'm sure you'll appreciate:

Years ago I was watching a Redskins game and announced "Why in the world are they playing in DC?!"

I was told "because they're the Washington Redskins."

To which I logically replied, "Then why aren't they playing in Seattle?"

I was then enlightened that it was Washington DC not the state of Washington.

I said, "Well, that's stupid. They should've named them the DC Redskins."

Tara said...

"It's the equivalent of giving the ball to the Fridge on the one yard line!!" - Oh...yeah! Totally! ;)

My mom is a huge sports fan. She shakes her head at the disbelief that even though she has five kids including four boys, that none of us are into sports. Well maybe two are, but she's stuck talking to me about it and it's like she's speaking in a different language.

cooper green said...

More baseball trivia: the accumulated wads of crap that baseball players put in their mouths during the course of a game are later collected by dirty little worker people who use them to stuff new bases. It's all about ecology.

Churlita said...

The main reason I watch football? Because the player's asses look so nice in their uniforms.

Churlita said...

Oh, and I love the title. Interjection! Shows emotion.

The Guv'ner said...

I thought no one outside Denver or Boston gave two shits about the WS but there you go.

The Red Sox are pure evil and my natural enemy. And Manny? Cockiest guy out there. We hate that f*cking guy. That's why their fans love him. They're the cockiest fans out there. You think everyone hates The Yankees (they do) but they also hate the Red Sox, mainy because they're arrogant idiots. Unless you're in Boston where you love them so much you set stuff on fire (cos you're dumb).

I was kinda sad the Diamondbacks didn't beat the Rockies in the previous round so we could have a D'backs/Sox World series because that would be the prime time for someone to BOMB THE SHIT out of Fenway or that great big abominable hangar they call a stadium out in Arizona and rid me of my two most hated teams at once.

Um...I don't care either.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Step - really? DC? You sure?

Tara - I've married into an entire family of sports nuts. I should start bringing magazines with me to his mom's house.

Coop - all the more reason for me to never play the game.

Churlita - ding ding ding - that's it exactly!!

Guv - what's up with the baseball knowledge? Aren't you supposed to thumb your nose at American sports and be into like Rugby or Cribbage or something that sounds more Scottish?

rustymg said...

You said it perfectly! i'm living in the SW with a natural born Masshole. This has been my week exactly, punctuated by many long distance phone calls from people who say cah and consider Duncan Donuts a cultural experience. To the Patriots, g'wan get outta heah!

Just Dave said...

Hey, we have lots of brown people in Colorado. Did you miss the Latino that the camera kept picking up that had dyed his moustache purple? Ok, so he was the only one but, hey, he was one.

Chris said...

Don't know much about baseball, but GEEZE, did you see that Packers win last night in overtime? Whoooie! I did the happy dance in my robe (which scared the bejeezuz outta my cat, by the way). My wife, who was born in Vienna to a fine family, raised in Innsbruck, etc. etc. yadda yadda, was NOT amused when I woke her up in the middle of the night to tell her about it.

"Honey. Honey. Pssst... Honey! Brett Favre just threw a 697 yard touchdown pass in overtime to win! Ain't that great?"

"Oh," she said, aiming one green (slightly bleary) eye at me, pulling the pillow over her head. "Your favorite large men pushed de udder large men und dey hit each udder hard. Goot. I'm so proud of you." She then started in with that cute little snore of hers...

dmarks said...

World Series? I don't tend to care much if it is teams that are far away from me. Unless it is one of those "signs of the apocalypse" things like anything involving the Cubs.

pistols at dawn said...

This is why I don't date during football season.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Rusty - yes we too got the midnight phone calls from the family. It's nice that they are happy about something for a change and not asking for bail or retainer money.

JD - I SAW that guy too! Not brown enough.

Chris - Ah yes. Wake up the wife up for sports blow by blows. Cute story your wife must love you very much.

dmarks - I'm trying to care but I keep getting it all wrong so at this point I'm going for supportive. Cubs are cute.

Pistols - are you really sure that's why? I suspect another reason altogether.