The evening was relaxed and laid back. I chilled some chardonnay and made my special prosecco and pomegranate juice cocktails, but Aria and I were the only ones partaking of the alcohol. Rachel and Playtah drank sodas. I laid out a spread of nibbly things mostly and made a small dish of tandoori chicken bites and as we sat around nibbling the girl talk ensued.
Aria and Playtah are both 25. Since I too was once 25 I can easily relate to many of their woes and struggles. I remember my 20's as a time of much fumbling and somewhat disastrous decision making, especially in the dating department. Not that I didn't have fun and I certainly wouldn't take back a minute of my youth as I firmly believe such fumblings and mistakes were formative in the happiness and security I now enjoy.
The years between ages 25 and 30 were difficult for me. It seemed like I was standing still, watching as most of my friends paired off, got married, started families and solid careers. All I wanted was for someone to fall madly in love with me and rescue me from my stagnation. I was so sure that being in love was the answer to all my real and imagined problems that I was willing to tolerate some crazy and/or annoying behaviour, although for the most part, not for very long.
Thankfully somehow in all instances I was able to slam on the breaks and, although many times heartbroken and disappointed, come to my senses before I did anything rash like move in with someone or get married. I was always the primary breaker-upper in these ridiculous match-ups. What were the tell tales signs that things just weren't right? Some of them were easy to identify and the situation was terminated immediately. Others were hidden from my sight depending upon the temperature of the spark and factor of chemistry, therefore crazy and annoying behaviour was sometimes tolerated for longer than necessary.
Here are some of the deal breakers in no particular order:
- One man told me with no remorse or embarrassment that he didn't have car insurance. He thought it was a scam.
- One man spit on the ground several times as we walked to and from the car, restaurant, etc.
- One man got sloppy drunk, drove to my house to "see" me even though I asked him not to. The deal breaker came when he showed up anyway and then he yelled at me when I admonished him for driving drunk after I'd asked him not to. Don't ever yell at me.
- One man apparently obsessed with wolves, wore a t-shirt with an airbrushed wolf on it to my birthday party where people I knew could see him. That should have been the deal breaker right there, but I really liked him (thought he was very bright and funny). Another deal breaker should have been when he actually bought a pet wolf pup (cub?). But alas, I was temporarily won over when he told me I could have the honor of naming the wolf pup. I chose the name Ivan. The deal breaker came when he overruled my choice and named it Smokey. The pup was gray and brown and this man clearly had no imagination.
- One man bought me a plunger for my birthday. Just a plunger. I kept waiting for something else, a pair of earrings, a bottle of cologne, a single red rose, but no, that was it. Just a plunger.
- One was simply the dumbest person I have ever met. At first I chalked it up to the fact that he was 6 years younger than me and I continued to date him for a couple of months. He was also possibly the sweetest person I have ever met. The deal breaker came when he told me that he there was no more room in his brain for new information and that whenever he learned something new he worried (seriously) that some of the older knowledge was getting pushed out.
- One man, I realized after several months of dating had never introduced me to any of his friends or family even though many of these people lived very nearby. He also told me that he owned a coal mine in another state and had been captain of his college football team. Neither of these facts could be verified.
- One man was a terrible father who constantly bitched about paying child support and on the rare occasions that he could be bothered to spend time with his child would lie to him about why he didn't spend very much time with him. He always said he had to work. The deal breaker came when I realized this man had also been lying to me about such things as having graduated from college and not having sex with other women.
- One man had decorated his living room with framed pictures of kittens. Not in an ironic, kitchy way or because he merely had poor taste. He really liked kittens. A lot.
What's the point of this post Lady?
Well I guess to make my young friends feel better about some of the more unpleasant aspects of dating and relationships. Also to say that once I stopped pinning all my hopes on whether or not some shithead would fall in love with me and started planning my life around the experiences that made me feel fulfilled I actually became fulfilled.
You're lucky to be alive! Have fun! Think about all the other experiences in life that bring you joy and focus on getting more of that.