AKA OSU Beats Northwestern 27-16

Five years ago this very day, in the park down the street from our house, I wore an itchy white dress, 10 pounds of makeup and hairspray, stood in front of a rather large group of friends and family and held my darling MDH's hand while we recited lesbian inspired wedding vows (no mention of Jesus but lots of equal partnership kind of stuff) to each other with the aid of a Unitarian minister.

Yes. Today is my wedding anniversary.

Highlights of the day include:

• OSU Fans (which certainly don't include the Bride) RSVP'ing at the last minute until they know what time the game will be.
  
  


• When original hired musician backs out at last minute (like a fuckin' weasel), Groom's friend Jimmy and his big blond pompadour offer to play Hawaiian Wedding Song on ukulele.
  
  


• Hawaiian Wedding Song turns out a beautiful and unique choice, tearfully appreciated by Bride and Groom.
  
  


• Jimmy and his ukulele make Bride's uncle Paul laugh so loud it overpowers the music on the wedding video.
  



• Idiot cousin allows her 4 year old to run around like an animal and dig his filthy fingers into wedding cake.
  



• Bride's newly fused ankle swells to blimp-like proportions. Bride says "fuck it" and changes into white Nikes, photo op incites crowd.
  
  


• Father of bride get so choked up he forgets his beautiful speech and lovingly blubbers incoherently for 5 minutes.
  
  


• Father of Bride and Bride jitterbug together all afternoon.
  



• Idiot cousin who RSVP'd for 7 doesn't show up, leaves entire table empty.
  



• Professional pastry chefs and good friend couple mysteriously absent from festivities. Bride and Groom later discover wedding cake baker wife had severe allergic reaction to the lemon leaves used to mold cake decorations. Chef friends spend entire day in OSU ER.
  
  


• Idiot cousin's 4 year old unfortunately not allergic to lemon leaves.
  



• Groom gets hammered and invites 30 people to the newlywed's home after the wedding for "par-tay!!" on the wedding night.
  
  


• Bride becomes livid as couple set to leave for honeymoon the next day and has no food or libation.
  
  


• Bride orders 5 Sicilian style pizzas and 2 cases of beer from carry out down the street.
  
  


• Bride becomes pissy when par-tay guest asks why she is serving on good china and not paper plates. Replies snippily "Because I wasn't expecting to entertain guests on my wedding night".
  
  


• Bride becomes pissy when Grooms frat buddy makes fun of her for writing "Wedding Day" on kitchen calendar. She protests, "Go fuck yourself, I was excited!"
  
  


• Bride ends up having a great time in spite of herself, forgives Groom and all others. Remembers day as being one of the happiest in her life.