Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dodging A Bullet

I posted the other day about how I don't like to answer the phone. Well I'm sure it's no stretch for you to imagine that I don't like to answer the door either. In fact I dodged a huge bullet yesterday by following my standard format of never answering the door. It was 9:30am. I had just woken up. I was wearing only 3 small items of clothing; a very small t-shirt, very large underpants and a wristwatch. My hair was a scary fright wig and I had the previous day's mascara smudged around my eyes. (My husband is a lucky devil to be sure.)

I hadn't yet had my tea.

They knocked which MDH always says is a clear sign that it is someone of experience who is up to no good because that is what they teach you to do when you are learning the art of the door to door pitch. Don't ring the bell. Knock. MDH, a lifelong sales and marketing man, refers to this principle as Cold Calling 101.

I knew they could hear me ferreting about and then suddenly stop in my tracks the second I heard the knock because when I think that I am alone I pound around the house with all the delicacy of a water buffalo. I also happened to be very near the front door when they knocked. It was a close call because we have a stained glass front door and I was standing almost directly in front of it where I could have easily been seen.

It was a showdown.

I knew that they knew that I was home.

They knocked again and I stayed put. Frozen in mid step until I looked up at my ratty haired half naked reflection in the mirror over the sideboard and realized I was being a chump.

This is my house and I will sport about in it wearing whatever I please and y'all can stand out there until the rapture comes. I'm not answering the door.

They knocked a third time. What great balls you have, whoever you are! It was at this point that I became seriously indignant and decided to just continue doing what I was doing pre-knock and stomped past the front door to the bathroom where I had originally been headed.

I steeled myself knowing that there was now the possibility that they had seen me or at the very least heard or seen my movement in front of the door. I decided that if they had big enough balls to knock a fourth time I would give them exactly what they deserved. I mentally prepared to open the door in my underpants and start telling them all about atheism and godlessness and how rewarding it can be to have an open mind and think or say whatever I damn well please with no fear of repercussions from an angry blasphemed god, à la the video I had seen on Some Guy's blog (in a post called Devangelism from Sept. 2007).

In my crazy head I was really getting into it. I started to adjust my clothes so that my shirt got shorter, my undies got larger and my boobs were even more out of control, so I'd look even crazier than I knew I already did.

There was no fourth knock, but thankfully I came to my senses before it came down to that anyway.

I somehow realized in the haze of my un-caffeinated state that I didn't know who the fuck was out there. It could be my sweet neighbor, Patty with a flat tire or her even sweeter teen-age daughter locked out of the house or something. It could be the gas meter reader dude whom I've been avoiding all summer. It could be well, anyone.

I put on a bra and some jeans, swiped a cotton ball doused with make-up remover under my eyes and reluctantly, sheepishly opened the door.

There was nobody there, but this little booklet was rolled up in the screen door handle:


Tara said...

Whoa, you DID dodge that bullet! Yikes. Thank you for the laugh! I avoid most knocks on the door in my area because I'm in an apartment and unless I called maintenance or if I'm expecting a friend to come over and I just buzzed them up, there's no reason for someone to be knocking unless they're trying to sell something. Someone pounded on my door a few months back, and I froze and stayed away from the door, thinking they could see me through the peep hole, which they can't.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Tara - that is SO funny! I always used to think people could see me thru the peephole too! Rationally I knew they couldn't, but still. Glad to know you're nutty too.

Family Adventure said...


Honestly...I would have given anything for them to have knocked a fourth time and you opening the door. I was hoping, anticipating...

You are too funny. I was laughing out loud, so my 7 year old stopped by the screen, read "showdown" and asked what I was reading. I couldn't explain it to him in a way that made any sense (to him anyway).

But...I can so relate. I have the same aversions to telephone answering and door opening...I have actually unplugged the telephone at times, because I don't even want it to RING.

Heidi :)

Step Right Up said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Step Right Up said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Step Right Up said...

Okay, first of all, the mental picture have of you wearing the small shirt and big underwear and topping the ensemble off with a lovely writstwatch, had me rolling.

My family (immediate and otherwise) always welcomed the JW's in to our homes because we are a family of several theologians, preachers, and missionaries and actually enjoy a respectful debate over religion. When I would hear my Dad say, "Come on in..." I would almost feel sorry for the JW.

Aria said...

People have a lot of nerve soliciting christ door to door. They could at least throw in a free pony. lol


Suzie said...

wow you did dodge one. I live in a gated community so they can't get in. anyone who knocks even though I have a nice doorbell/speaker thingie usualy belongs there and wants to see me in whatever state I am in...which is often some state of undress nakeness...so what the hell I scare them anyway with my undressedness

The Guv'ner said...

I'm with you on that. My mantra is "never answer the door unless you're expecting someone" and sometimes that applies to the phone also. Plus I'm in an apartment so they can't get anywhere near my door without being buzzed in downstairs first. Occasionally however, someone will knock my ACTUAL door and I will freeze mid step in panic in case it's a hitman.

But I love the idea of answering the door in tiny t-shirt and enormous panties, boobs a kimbo. In fact I'm going to go put out the garbage like that later to see what happens. The bigger the panties, the bigger the crazy I always say. Although I'm wrong because Britney Spears doesn't wear ANY panties and she's batshit insane.

Hanes boxers for women are super comfy (I sleep in them) but they do kinda look like ginormous panties with a thick waistband. They'd be perfect. Maybe be holding a half empty bottle of vodka as well...

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Heidi - I don't know what ROTF means, but I'm glad that you got a kick out of my post.

My blog is definitely rated R because of my potty mouth.

Step - My parents were never much for door or phone answering either so it's probably genetic. Besides I get really tongue-tied if I'm arguing religion. Can't do it, best not to answer the door.

Aria - hi darlin' I believe they are compelled do it because the nature of their faith demands they "spread the word". I wish they wouldn't so I just don't answer the door.

Guv - be careful with your garbage plan because you know that if you do that it'll be the canned laughter sit-com moment when you lock yourself out of the house. I have never been locked out wearing a ball gown and tiara (probably because I don't own either of these things).

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Suzie - didn't mean to skip you there! Lucky! Gated Community Liver!~

Churlita said...

I'm laughing so hard my eyes are tearing. I kind of like the image of you opening your doors to the JW's in your, uh, state.

Michelle said...

LOL...love the JW's. My old neighbor (a construction foreman who rode a Harley and enjoyed beer immensely) once invited in a trio of JW's to sit and have a chat. He said "So okay, what's your spiel?" They sat there for a couple of moments and finally one of them said "We don't have one, we've never been invited in before!"

My sister once gave a group a few hollers of "Praise Jesus," "Amens," and "I'm delivered" until they cautiously bid her "goodbye". It was a hoot. Guess you had to be there!

Family Adventure said...

ROTFLMAO - Rolling On The Floor Laughin My A$$ Off :)

And yes, this post definitely qualified.


Julie Pippert said...

Oh Love It! This is classic. I could totally imagine myself in your shoes (BTDT) and this was brilliantly told! Awesome!

Using My Words

pistols at dawn said...

I don't trust any God who wants followers with nothing better to do than bother people by going door to door. Really? You're all-knowing, and that's the best PR campaign you can come up with?

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady,
Aside from the potty mouth, you are pretty funny -- I actually landed here by accident via a Google search. I hope you don't mind me posting a comment without knocking first, but since I'm a JW, I hope you give the message a chance (see the kickin', revamped multimedia website at jw.org)

commenter from Astoria NY
P.S. - I RARELY see a need to knock 3x. Sometimes in an area where there are a lot of elderly/infirm who cannot hear the door over a TV, but usually 2 does it and it's on to the next.