Thursday, October 25, 2007

An Urgent Letter To My Viewing Public

Dear People Who See Me,

After much consideration I have decided that it is in the best interest for myself and for you, those who must look at me when I'm in the grocery store or pumping gas (as these are really the only times that I leave the house and actually get out of the car) if I break down and buy bigger pants. I've been hovering in that range between sizes where the smaller size that I normally wear is now too tight and we are all at risk of a possible muffin-top sighting.

Don't panic.

Remain calm.

New pants will be purchased as soon as possible and in the meantime I can assure you that I am doing everything I can to keep us all safe.

I must also issue this warning. I am still not so fat as to perfectly fit into the next larger size - so a belt will be worn at all times. As you may or may not be aware I find wearing belts to be very uncomfortable and you will witness much fidgeting and prodding going on in my waist area. If there is occasion where the thought of wearing a belt and fidgeting and prodding myself all day is unbearable I will leave the house sans belt. In which case you shall be witness to continual annoying pant-pulling-up motions.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, but again I assure you I'm doing everything I can to remedy the situation, but there is only so much spinach salad and brown rice a lady can take in a week.

Also please rest assured that no matter how fat my fat ass becomes I will never force you to have to gaze upon it covered in stretchy pants. I save that pleasure for my husband when we are safely away from your gaze alone in our home.

Kindest Regards & Best Wishes
The Lady

13 comments:

Family Adventure said...

I'm having a day like that, too. Didn't help that I had copious amounts of chocolate for lunch.

I HATE fat days!

- Heidi

The Guv'ner said...

Buying bigger pants is up there with having toenails pulled with pliers. It happens to us all. I had some surgery in the spring and wasn't allowed to exercise for three months and after that three months? You bet your (slightly larger) ass that I was buying bigger pants. Now I wear those with a belt but sorta kinda fit the old ones again. Wearing the bigger pants however, is good in a way because you only need to lose like ....2lbs and those will be falling off and you can be all sanctimonious and boasting at how skinny you've gotten. Yup.

The Guv'ner said...

And dude...the muffin top. It's a bastard. It's have the muffin top for a while or wear mom jeans. And...no I think I even prefer the muffin top.

Julie Pippert said...

Oy the pant size issue.

I'm trying to lose weight and yeah. Constant question mark LOL.

Julie
Using My Words

the Secretary said...

I recently gave all my pants to another coworker (she is definitely not earning enough and has a few kids) and now she walks around in my pants that was causing me to have muffin tops, yet if she doesn't wear a belt... let's just say there's alot of slippage going on. I'm starting to feel like her mum, telling her to pull her pants up.

Step Right Up said...

Oh for crying out loud, have a devil may care attitude and just put on some sweats or wind pants. P.S. no slippage with those bad boys because they're equipped with e.l.a.s.t.i.c.

pistols at dawn said...

The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. Or so I have read.

Churlita said...

So, what? Are you too good for lounge or sweat pants? or is that what you save for your husband's viewing alone?

Tara said...

I'm between a 10 and a 12, but can never find an 11 if there is such a thing anymore. I have some capri pants that I love, but they are very loose. I feel the same way about belts, so I'm continuously and secretly hiking my pants up. So I feel your pain.

Lisa said...

There is nothing worse than the "tweener" size. I feel your pain!

Mrs. G. said...

What is up with no half sizes? I will strangulate my ass before I move up to a new FULL size.

The Guv'ner said...

See the problem ladies with going the sweat pant route, quite apart from those suckers being FUGLEEE, is they're TOO comfortable no matter how much you eat. You can grow to the size of a pregnant elephant and still convince yourself you're a size 10 because behold! THE PANTS STILL FIT!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Heidi - chocolate for lunch? Some things are worth being fat for.

Guv - I'm way too uptight about my public appearance and old for the muffin-top to ever be preferable to a little Charlie Chaplin action. I'm also stylish enough that mom jeans have never been part of my wardrobe. I've gone with a nice straight legged, dark wash trouser jean.

Julie - welcome! Oy indeed.

Sec - welcome also! that would be weird to see your old clothes on somebody else - it would be worse if she looked better in them than you did and you were constanted reminded of it when you see this person every day. Hand her down a belt why dontcha? Crack in the office place is bad news.

Step - give up on me with the public stretchy pants wearing. it'll never happen - I get fully dressed to take out the trash!

Pistols - welcome - I am way too ladylike to know what that means, but thanks for stopping by!

Churlita - I would never deny others the comfort of public sweatpants wearing, but I personally lack whatever confidence it takes. I never leave the house without mascara either.

Mrs. G - howdy!
see I just hate tight clothes - I'd rather have some bagginess going on than have to constantly pick things out of my various crevices. I also like to be able to sit down without ripping seams.