Dear People Who See Me,
After much consideration I have decided that it is in the best interest for myself and for you, those who must look at me when I'm in the grocery store or pumping gas (as these are really the only times that I leave the house and actually get out of the car) if I break down and buy bigger pants. I've been hovering in that range between sizes where the smaller size that I normally wear is now too tight and we are all at risk of a possible muffin-top sighting.
New pants will be purchased as soon as possible and in the meantime I can assure you that I am doing everything I can to keep us all safe.
I must also issue this warning. I am still not so fat as to perfectly fit into the next larger size - so a belt will be worn at all times. As you may or may not be aware I find wearing belts to be very uncomfortable and you will witness much fidgeting and prodding going on in my waist area. If there is occasion where the thought of wearing a belt and fidgeting and prodding myself all day is unbearable I will leave the house sans belt. In which case you shall be witness to continual annoying pant-pulling-up motions.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, but again I assure you I'm doing everything I can to remedy the situation, but there is only so much spinach salad and brown rice a lady can take in a week.
Also please rest assured that no matter how fat my fat ass becomes I will never force you to have to gaze upon it covered in stretchy pants. I save that pleasure for my husband when we are safely away from your gaze alone in our home.
Kindest Regards & Best Wishes