Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #6 - Bonus! Lawn Decor Edition

Lawn ornaments are beyond me. I've never understood the need for them, but enough folks out there have them that not all of them could possibly be out of their minds. Or could they? I'm originally from a small, lower middle class suburb of Columbus, Ohio called Whitehall which may arguably be where all lawn ornaments go to die. My best friends sister says the same could be said Lancaster, Ohio. It's a close call.

Here are some of my favorites:

Gazing Ball
Does anyone ever gaze into them? Really?
My neighbor Patty has one of these and I've never seen her go anywhere near it except to pull weeds. And even then she doesn't gaze into it. If she wanted to she'd have to wipe off all the bird shit first. Patty also has a bathtub saint, but those didn't make my list because I don't like to knock the various ways people get their spiritual rocks off.

Kissing Dutch Children
Why? Are you Dutch? Plant some damn tulips.

Painted Concrete Deer
Do people think these look real? Most of the ones I've seen are in terrible condition with chipped and faded paint. At the end of the day isn't it just more shit to maneuver the mower around? Oh, in case you were wondering how much money people are willing to plunk down to scare away any real wildlife that might wander into their yard - anywhere from $150 to $600.

But WAIT!!
There's MORE!
Normally I only do three things, but lawn ornaments are special and I thought deserved some extra attention.

Shadow People
The purpose of these items is to scare the shit out of me when I'm driving at night. This is best accomplished by placing them close to the road. Usually it's a guy smoking a pipe or sometimes a cowboy leaning against a tree, although I once saw one leaning against a car on concrete blocks. We don't want to leave out the ladies so occasionally you'll see a shadow woman running with a rolling pin. These are rare and more frightening since they appear to be in motion.

Yard Butt
She can be found bending over flower beds dressed in polka-dotted bloomers. An exhibitionist in a short dress. Neighbor, what message are you trying to send me? I think I get it - you need us to come over and make sure you took all your meds. I'll be right there.

Painted Concrete (Or Plastic) Geese
Concrete (or plastic) geese are typically given a place of honor on or near the front porch. If the goose is really lucky the porch is also covered with astro-turf, but that's a story for another day. There is an entire niche industry that caters to the wardrobe whims of artificial geese. I googled "Goose Clothes" to find some pictures and over 2 million results popped up. The well dressed goose has multiple outfits, generally to match the season, but sometimes the goose appears to have a profession.

Construction Worker

Nun Goose

Harem Dancer Goose


Rachel said...

LOL... I am not a fan of lawn ornaments either, but I did love the little donkey that my Nana had in her yard.

It was a concrete painted donkey pulling a cart that was actually a planter.

When I was little I used to climb on it and pretend that I was riding it. It was a perfect fit for 4 year old me.

How could you NOT include the always famous plastic pink flamingos?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Because flamingos are cool.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I've never gotten lawn ornaments either. My friends from Arizona were just here and wanted to stop along the roadside and look at those bears that people put in their yards that have stupid sayings. Iiiish.

dmarks said...

How about the plywood bear, too? I was once on M-115 near Cadillac, when I aaw someone had left one of those black plywood bears in the middle of the highway in front of me. At least that is what I thought for that first split second. As I got closer, it lumbered off the road into the woods.

dmarks said...

Oh. And the concrete dear? They always end up accumulating a few bullet holes/nicks over the years, especially if they are in laws in rural areas.

I know someone who saw a buck trying to mate with a lawn deer in his front yard.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

dmarks - that's is friggin priceless and probably the reason that camera phones were invented.

I've seen dogs lift their leg and pee on concrete deer, but deer on deer action - I'd pay big bucks for that (pun intended).

Anonymous said...

The concrete goose thing was huge in Illinois 10+ years ago.

A dutch community near me has those dutch children in almost every yard and the Italian town near where I grew up had a concrete Mother Mary with blue robe in almost every front yard.