Here are some of my favorites:
Does anyone ever gaze into them? Really?
My neighbor Patty has one of these and I've never seen her go anywhere near it except to pull weeds. And even then she doesn't gaze into it. If she wanted to she'd have to wipe off all the bird shit first. Patty also has a bathtub saint, but those didn't make my list because I don't like to knock the various ways people get their spiritual rocks off.
Kissing Dutch Children
Why? Are you Dutch? Plant some damn tulips.
Painted Concrete Deer
Do people think these look real? Most of the ones I've seen are in terrible condition with chipped and faded paint. At the end of the day isn't it just more shit to maneuver the mower around? Oh, in case you were wondering how much money people are willing to plunk down to scare away any real wildlife that might wander into their yard - anywhere from $150 to $600.
Normally I only do three things, but lawn ornaments are special and I thought deserved some extra attention.
The purpose of these items is to scare the shit out of me when I'm driving at night. This is best accomplished by placing them close to the road. Usually it's a guy smoking a pipe or sometimes a cowboy leaning against a tree, although I once saw one leaning against a car on concrete blocks. We don't want to leave out the ladies so occasionally you'll see a shadow woman running with a rolling pin. These are rare and more frightening since they appear to be in motion.
She can be found bending over flower beds dressed in polka-dotted bloomers. An exhibitionist in a short dress. Neighbor, what message are you trying to send me? I think I get it - you need us to come over and make sure you took all your meds. I'll be right there.
Painted Concrete (Or Plastic) Geese
Concrete (or plastic) geese are typically given a place of honor on or near the front porch. If the goose is really lucky the porch is also covered with astro-turf, but that's a story for another day. There is an entire niche industry that caters to the wardrobe whims of artificial geese. I googled "Goose Clothes" to find some pictures and over 2 million results popped up. The well dressed goose has multiple outfits, generally to match the season, but sometimes the goose appears to have a profession.
Harem Dancer Goose