Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #7 Special Vanity Edition

7 & 1/4 Inch Acrylic Stilettos
By Easy Spirit (not really). I forgot to jot down the price of these, but I think it's obviously nothing compared to the emergency room bill from when you get your broken ankle set and wrapped in a cast. I should also mention the permanent limp.

Yes. Crutches are sexy (not really).

Walking in these shoes on gravel would be interesting to watch though, like a hyper-female episode of Jackass.


Bling H2O Bottled Water
If you can unglue your eyes from the perfect airbrushed ass for a moment I'll tell you that this bullshit beverage is bottled in Tennessee and costs $40 a bottle. I've already become convinced that our country's obsession with bottled water is total bullshit anyway, but $40?? If someone handed me a free bottle I would walk past them, get down on my hands and knees and drink from the lawn sprinkler. Well, maybe not if my hair looked really good and the ground was muddy. Damn, my hair always looks good and the ground probably would be muddy if the sprinkler is running - let's just pretend I would do all that sanctimonious high minded stuff.

$40 bottled water no matter how nice the ass it's resting upon is craziness.
Extra Long Acrylic Nails With Wacky Designs

I have often seen these kinds of nails tick tick ticking on cash register keys all over the US (and yet never in France). I've also seen them featured at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and once on a female cop directing traffic. I used to work with a woman who would pay exorbitant amounts of money for this service and then ask to borrow bus fare. Some folks see it as body art. I see it as an impending staph infection. When I see nails like this I can't stop thinking about the amount of scrunge that gets under my own short, clean, tidy boyish nails on a daily basis and wonder what germy hellfuck is lurking under the nails of Fu Man Chu here. You know very good and well that you could not wipe your ass properly with talons like these.