Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #7 Special Vanity Edition

7 & 1/4 Inch Acrylic Stilettos
By Easy Spirit (not really). I forgot to jot down the price of these, but I think it's obviously nothing compared to the emergency room bill from when you get your broken ankle set and wrapped in a cast. I should also mention the permanent limp.

Yes. Crutches are sexy (not really).

Walking in these shoes on gravel would be interesting to watch though, like a hyper-female episode of Jackass.

Bling H2O Bottled Water
If you can unglue your eyes from the perfect airbrushed ass for a moment I'll tell you that this bullshit beverage is bottled in Tennessee and costs $40 a bottle. I've already become convinced that our country's obsession with bottled water is total bullshit anyway, but $40?? If someone handed me a free bottle I would walk past them, get down on my hands and knees and drink from the lawn sprinkler. Well, maybe not if my hair looked really good and the ground was muddy. Damn, my hair always looks good and the ground probably would be muddy if the sprinkler is running - let's just pretend I would do all that sanctimonious high minded stuff.

$40 bottled water no matter how nice the ass it's resting upon is craziness.
Extra Long Acrylic Nails With Wacky Designs
I have often seen these kinds of nails tick tick ticking on cash register keys all over the US (and yet never in France). I've also seen them featured at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and once on a female cop directing traffic. I used to work with a woman who would pay exorbitant amounts of money for this service and then ask to borrow bus fare. Some folks see it as body art. I see it as an impending staph infection. When I see nails like this I can't stop thinking about the amount of scrunge that gets under my own short, clean, tidy boyish nails on a daily basis and wonder what germy hellfuck is lurking under the nails of Fu Man Chu here. You know very good and well that you could not wipe your ass properly with talons like these.


Stepping Over the Junk said...

I've had my nails done three times in my life! I am just SO not interested

Family Adventure said...

Yuck, yuck, and yuck.
And I especially hate the way the bottled water is marketed. What's with that a$$? Does that make me want to drink water more? Ummm, no.

- Heidi

Step Right Up said...

Usually with those shoes comes the nails...and some one dollar bills...and a pole...and some nasty man's lap. I think you get the picture.

Catherinette Singleton said...

These all seem like viable products. . .for a stripper.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Stepping - no kidding - how could you possibly paint with those scary things? Also, since you're a mom you run the risk of accidentally stabbing your children. Scary.

Family - I think the product is marketed toward men who may be foolish enough to think buying such extravagant beverages will get them laid.

Step - It would take way more than dollar bills to ever get me in those crazy-ass shoes.

The Guv'ner said...

I thought the water resting on ass was subliminal and that the bottle was a metaphor for a big, fat PENIS. But then my mind tends to swerve that way naturally in such matters...

Those nails. It beats me how anyone gets anything done with those. Hell, I break my nails daily doing ordinary tasks and my nails are short due to guitar playing anyway. How do you do up your bra with those? Or as pointed out, ass wiping? EW EW EW!

AS for the big ass shoes? WHy not just do that thing I used to do as a kid and stand on tin cans with strings attached and walk around like that? Do we need seven inches of hard plastic? (Hmmm? not in a SHOE anyway)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Catherinette - probably viable for the kind of woman the Bling water drinker is hoping to lure.

Guv - exactly, exactly and exactly.

Churlita said...

When my daughter was in the Environmental Club at school, they called a bunch of water companies to find out where they got their water, and some of them just got it out of the tap like we all used to do. Hmmm.

Aria said...

Hi! It's Aria...(kelly) Thanks for the amazing fun Fri night & Saturday morning. I LOVE your blog & I heart you!
Anyway, I own those shoes. Seriously. I actually go jogging in them on Saturdays down Division st. They've pretty much paid for themselves. lol.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Why hello Aria - I'll be sure to come and visit you in the hospital. I'll even loan you my crutches. I think I have some leftover non-steroidal anti-inflammatories I'll be happy to loan you.
Thanks for visiting!