Sunday, September 16, 2007

I Try To Save It For Special Occasions

  • I didn't get married until I was 35. Naturally, for me anyway, I dated a lot before I met someone I could tolerate long enough to marry. Frankly I thought it would never happen and had gotten to a point where I really didn't care much. I get irritated really easily and most of the guys I dated ended up bugging me soon or later. Mostly sooner. I'm going to get just a bit mushy here and say that my husband is amazing. He's never boring and only slightly irritating, but I'm sure no more than I am to him. He is my all time favorite person in the world and my best friend ever. He's really cute too.

    There was a moment that changed my life that occurred after my husband and I had been dating about 6 months or so. I don't remember the exact circumstances (and I'm warning you in advance to get your filthy smut mind out of the porny gutter) but I said to him, "Here is exactly what I want", and proceeded to spell out for him exactly what I wanted and the order in which I wanted it done (walk to corner, get ice cream cone, eat it sitting on the steps overlooking the playground, etc.).

    I'm not sure I had ever said that to any man before. He said it was the single sexiest thing that I or any woman had ever said to him and has worshipped me ever since. (Really, my friend Amy once busted him worshipping me as he was listening to me talk shop at a party. She said he only used one hand though cause the other had a can of beer in it, but still.) We've been together for 8 years and married for 5.

    You may put your filthy smut mind back into the porny gutter for only a moment while I tell you that it works in all situations. That's as personal as I'm willing to get here.

    I share this revelation with you in hopes that it will bring you the same joy that it has brought me. My loving partner in life no longer has to guess what the hell it is that I want and I don't have to waste any time being angry because he doesn't understand me. Fuck mystery, I'm too damn busy. Being passive-aggressive by nature, I had no idea of the power of such a simple gesture and the impact it would have on the rest of my life.

    I try not to be too greedy with my tremendous power but I rolled it out today and as a result we have had an amazing and fun day. I began to cast my spell yesterday by saying, "I really think we should leave the cave tomorrow." To which my lovely spouse replied, "What do you have in mind?" To which I responded, "I don't know but I'm showering the moment I roll out of bed and I'd like to leave pretty early." There, I have set the expectation before he even goes to bed of what will occur the next day.

    Now, if you are a person who tends to be indecisive I have no help for you. You gotta know what you want before this little trick of being completely honest and forthright will work for you. There is, by the way, room for compromise. Before I started spouting my statement of intent I began by asking what the football schedule for today looked like. Turns out the Patriots don't play until 8:15pm this evening. I've got all day to have my needs attended to.

    Phase 2 begins by following through with the previous nights statement. If you're going to be honest and forthright to get what you want you not only have to know what it is that you want , but also must be prepared to follow through with the original plan. You can't cop out at the last minute or your partner won't know when to take your demands seriously. So, true to my statement of the the previous evening I got up and showered. By the time my husband got out of the shower I had a plan engineered.

    Here is exactly what I want:
  • I want to get showered and ready to leave the house asap tomorrow morning, but only after we have woken up naturally without an alarm clock. Done and done.

  • I want to get in the car and drive to the lake and park the car in the grocery store parking lot (we live close enough to walk but wait for the next step and it'll make sense).

  • I want to walk around the entire lake, taking where passible the routes off the main path that are closest to the water.

  • When we have finished walking I want to get sandwiches from the deli and eat them on our picnic blanket in the park by the lake. (Hence parking at the grocery store, closer to the deli)

  • Then I would like to go home and have a long nap. After which you will mow the grass in the back yard and I will wash a load of laundry.

  • I would not like to cook dinner this evening.
We compromised on phases 2 and 4 by parking closer to the park and eating lunch at a restuarant with a deck overlooking the lake.

So, we walked 5 miles in the beautiful sunshine, had a lovely meal watching sailboats on the water on a day that sports is on all day. Not bad, eh? I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I come by it honestly.


Anonymous said...

This moving of my filthy smut mind in and out of various porny gutters is hard on my neck, and my shirt collar is giving me a rash. Here's what I want:
• I want less starch in my shirt collar, and I want a nice soothing cream;
• I want a more forgiving definition of filthy smut;
• I want a cure for world peace (that's a leftover from my days as a Miss Teen USA contestant).

There. I feel better already. Thanks, Lady.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

That's what I'm talking about Coop, saying it out loud makes it all better. You don't even have to get it and it's good.

Quiet one said...

I was just surfing blogs and came across yours quite by accident and just wanted to are my hero! I don't know how many times I tell women that men are not mind readers and that you actually should spell things out to get what you want! It works!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

cool! Thanks Michelle!

Anonymous said...

Hi from a fellow Michiganian! Loved this post and know from experience that you have to say what you want and say what you need. It's wrong to expect your spouse to be able to read your mind!