Same Time Last Year

This afternoon as I was pulling on an extra sweater I realized that exactly one year ago today MDH and I were sitting on Poipu Beach in Kauai, sucking down fruity cocktails and looking out at the Pacific Ocean trying to spot humpback whales, or hump spotback whales, I don't know, we were pretty tanked. Since I'm having such a hard time writing lately, here are some pictures.

The view from my lounge chair.

MDH busted (from our balcony with the handy zoom lens) taking a break from grilling our dinner.

A monk seal stopped by for a nap as well. (Don't worry she's not dead, just sleeping.)

Above the taro fields - we'll go back someday...
Damn, it's cold here today.

Begging & Choosing

It has turned out to be a good week on the job front after all. I got a call yesterday about a job where my friend Rachel works (it was a phone screen and they'll call next week to set up an interview most likely), and 2 calls today from 2 different recruiters about the same exact job. Weird. The interview I have tomorrow is with recruiter #2, who seemed more on the ball than recruiter #1.

The job with Rachel's company is not anything close to what I'd like to be doing, but I will do if they offer and if nothing else pans out. Beggars cannot be choosers and I'm awfully damn close to begging at this point. Wouldn't that suck though? To go all this time looking and end up doing something totally awful and not remotely on my desired path? I may have no choice but to find out how bad it sucks.

Of course I was awesome on the phone so I'm sure my interview with recruiter #2 will be a shorty as he probably just wants to check me out and make sure I don't look like Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

I'll be sporting my new bob, my lucky tweed pants with my new Liz Claiborne jacket that I bought today at TJ Maxx for $20, brown pointy shoes and tasteful Tiffany loveknot necklace. My standard interviewing uniform. Oh, and a big giant smile..

Jeezus, I hope someone will hire me soon.

MDH has informed me that his vendor partnership is over as of January 1st. Meaning he will lose the office space he has been using at his client's headquarters. The office space he has been occupying for the last 3 and a half years. Meaning he will be working from home full time from then on. Meaning I will be kicked out of my cozy home office as it will become his cozy home office. Meaning I gotta get the hell out of here before then.

Here is a picture of what my office looked like summer before last when I was working from home in-between gigs on the road. Messy (sorry SRU - I'm a slob, but I did eventually pick up the phone bill from off the floor and file it where it belongs)! But what a nice view outside, eh? I'll miss it.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Does anybody remember that book? It's the one about the kids who run away from home and spend the night in the museum. God I loved that book! Then I saw that movie Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller and the fantasy of spending the night in a museum went right out the damn window. Night at the Museum put everything right in your face and didn't leave anything behind for the imagination. I'm sorry I saw it.

Anyhoo... that's not what this post is about. This post is about all the shows that are sitting, unwatched thus far, on our DVR. My eclectic viewing tastes reminded me of the title of the book, which in turn made me mad at Ben Stiller. I'm having that kind of day.

DVR is a remarkable thing. Some of you may know it as Tivo. We've had the fancy, high definition cable with a DVR for about 5 years now. It's wonderful. I don't know when was the last time I watched a commercial.

The main problem with having a DVR is this: it gets full and some shows have to be either watched or deleted to make room for new recordings. Right now our DVR is at 94% capacity and mostly with my shows. MDH watches and gets his shows out of the way. I dawdle and procrastinate (yes, I procrastinate TV watching too) and now I've got a ton of stuff out there clogging up our disk space. I've been tasked by MDH to clean it up this week. Will the chores never end? (sigh)

I thought I'd share with you what I'm up against. So without further ado - here's the contents of our DVR (in alphabetical order by title):

A Night at the Opera - (1935) - the Marx Brothers movie. I've never seen it. Well, that's not totally true. I've started to watch it several times and always fall asleep. MDH recorded it and I've vowed to watch it with him without nodding off.

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Russia

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Brazil - We've had this episode sitting on our DVR since August. I'm kind of sick of travel shows about Brazil right now, but Tony Bourdain is my secret boyfriend so I can't bring myself to delete it.

Born Into Brothels (2004) Documentary - this is the IMDB synopsis:
"Amidst the apparent growing prosperity of India, there is a dark underbelly of poverty of another side of the nation that is little known. This film is a chronicle of filmmakers Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman's efforts to show that world of Calcutta's red light district. To do that, they inspired a special group of children of the prostitutes of the area to photograph the most reluctant subjects of it. As the kids excel in their new found art, the filmmakers struggle to help them have a chance for a better life away from the miserable poverty that threatens to crush their dreams."

Bukowski - Born Into This (2003) Documentary - Documentary on Charles Bukowski, author of 'Notes of a Dirty Old Man', 'Love Is a Dog from Hell', and the autobiographical novels, 'Women', 'Hollywood', and 'Post Office'

A Chef's Story - I've got 5 high definition episodes of this PBS series waiting for me.

Conversations with Other Women (2005) - I love Helena Bonham Carter and I've waited a long time to see this film. GR simply has no good movie theaters where films like this are shown. If you live in a big city and don't go to the movies, or worse, go to the movies but only see the big Hollywood blockbuster types of movies - shame on you.

Diner's, Drive-In's & Dives 4 Episodes - Each episode is kind of exactly like the next and the host of the show says stupid things like "off the hook" and "out of control" to describe the food, but I guess I enjoy watching truckers eat sloppy burgers and sausage gravy.

Dirty, Sexy Money - I like this show OK. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I can commit to another new series, but I liked the character Lisa's hair so much that I took this picture with me to the salon and had the stylist cut and color my hair like hers. Unprecedented. Yes. I cut my hair in a style other than my standard blond bob.

5 Days - It's an HBO mini-series. I've watched the entire series and have the finale left to watch, but I've been putting it off.

French Beauty (2005) Documentary - "A story about the riddle of femininity in French cinema." - because I don't feel unattractive enough already.

Frontline "The Undertaking" - "A look at funeral homes, featuring poet Thomas Lynch". Yes.

Grey's Anatomy - 2 episodes - more proof that I can't commit, or has this show jumped the shark?

Iconoclasts - 3 episodes - it's a Sundance Channel series showcasing bizarre friendships between (usually) an actor and a less famous person with a talent other than acting. Some of the pairings make sense, like actor Samuel L. Jackson and "sports legend" Bill Russel. Some of the other pairings make no sense whatsoever like actor Renee Zellweger and journalist Christiane Amanpour. It's sponsored by Grey Goose Vodka who is constantly chiming in with annoying wistful ads of dreamy flying geese. Ultimately they are selling booze so what's with the gauzy dream? Also geese are really gross and always pooping on everything and not at all the animal that what I would want to represent my product (if I had one). They're like big giant pigeons really. This show is annoying, but also compelling. I will probably fast forward through most of them and especially the damn vodka ads.

Masterpiece Theatre, parts 3 & 4 "The Amazing Mrs. Pritchard" - if you haven't been watching this series you're missing out big time. It drew me in because it stars Jane Horrocks, who I love as a grocery store manager who becomes Prime Minister of England.

NOVA - 2 episodes

Oprah Winfrey - 3 episodes - you know I have this set a series recording. Yes I do. Quel surprise! I don't always watch it though. I think Oprah has some great topics and sometimes the show is a lot of fun, but she bugs me. She doesn't seem to let people finish talking and last year she did a series where she traveled across the country on a driving trip with her best friend Gayle and she was really a bitch and not very nice to Gayle. I think Miss Oprah has gotten above her raisin' and is totally out of touch with real life.
The Real Housewives of Orange County - Speaking of out of touch, these women are totally ridiculous. They are all puffed up, sucked in and display the worst parenting skills I've ever seen from rich (or semi-rich) people. The ostentation is nauseating and yet I can't take my eyes off their train wreck-ish-ness.

Seinfeld - 4 Episodes - I had trouble believing it but there are episodes of this show that I missed. I spent the better part of the late 90's evenings attending night school. So instead of Must See TV - for me it was Must Get Degree. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode of Friends at least 5 times by now.

Smart Travels with Rudy Maxa - Vancouver & Victoria, British - Columbia - MDH and I have very different television preferences and one of the few types of programming that we enjoy watching together are travel shows. He gets especially excited when a travel show (or any show really) is available in high definition like Smart Travels is. We watch this show together, although I don't really care for Rudy Maxa. Between you and me, I think Rudy Maxa is an elitist girly man fucksicle, but I'm happy to put up with him so that I can watch TV while holding my darling's hand.

Sunday Morning - I like this show if only for the French horn theme music at the beginning. You hardly ever hear the French horn anywhere else. This show will get deleted without being watched. I keep forgetting to turn off the series recording.

The Departed (2006) Drama - My darling loves all movies filmed in or about Boston. I care because he cares, although I do not care to watch this film. I will watch it. Because I love him, I will watch this film that he has already seen twice without me, with him by my side, talking nonstop throughout the entire thing and pointing out in each scene how the location is relevant to his life somehow. I will do this for him out of love.

Creamed Corn + Pie = Love

I mentioned in an earlier post that I screen all calls from my mom. Well, that was only partially true. I screen all calls - period. MDH is much friendlier and nicer than me and eagerly makes every effort to pick up on the first ring without ever looking at the caller id. I don't know how he can do that. I haven't got the strength.

As much as I enjoy caller id I certainly don't need it. Before there was caller id I had just an answering machine and I let the machine pick up every call. Before I had an answering machine I would simply let the phone ring and ring and ring because frankly I didn't give a shit who was calling. Back in the day, when I had room mates my bad attitude about answering the phone caused quite a lot of ugly rows as I'm sure you can imagine.

When I lived alone I often kept the phone unplugged for glorious days at a stretch. Now that I am married compromises must be made so if MDH wants the phone answered he must answer it. If MDH answers the phone and it is for me and don't feel like talking to that person then he must tolerate a seething, tight-lipped glare from me as I take the unwanted call. Compromise.

The truth is, even if I like you, with very few exceptions I probably don't want to talk to you on the phone. My close friends know this about me and don't seem offended, but that's probably because they are the few people that I actually ever want to talk to. They know who they are. (As if that's hard to figure out. If you call me and I answer the phone you're in.)

If I am related to you then I don't want to talk to you on the phone ever for any reason. This is especially true if I am related to you and you are over the age of 70. It's not because I don't love you. I love you guys, I really do, but I can't talk to you on the phone because you are all hard of hearing and bugass crazy.

One morning last week when the phone rang to my surprise I saw my Uncle Dan's name on the caller id with a Michigan area code. He is my dads brother and in his early 80's. His call was surprising for two reasons. #1 Because the last I'd heard he'd been living in Pompano Beach, wedged between my crazy aunts in a Villages wannabe condo complex. (My 2 crazy aunts live one house away from each other and Dan was silly enough to buy the house in between them) And #2 because not only had I not seen my Uncle Dan and his wife Aunt P for a couple of years but he had never once in my entire life called me. It was just plain weird so I let the machine pick up for fear that someone had died.

When I finally listened to the message it was sweet and lovely, albeit slightly tedious and certainly making me feel all guilty for not picking up the phone. Damn you sweet old people. His message said that he and Aunt P had moved back to Michigan last spring but he didn't call until now because he had fallen down the basement steps of their new condo and broken a couple of ribs and hurt his knee, then he developed pneumonia (from the broken rib) and had his pancreas removed (yeah, more spooky, I found this out after I wrote a post called Potato Chip Pancreas, I'm haunted that way) and was calling me now because he is finally feeling better and wanted to say hello and see when we can come visit them.

I called him back right away and MDH and I made plans to visit them today. And so we did. We got up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning and drove 2 hours to Southern Michigan on a gorgeous fall day.

I had forgotten how good it can feel to be fussed over. My own parents don't really make a fuss over me. Even when I haven't seen them for over a year my mom is still very likely to point to the fridge and tell me to make myself a sandwich when I get hungry. This is probably why I don't particularly like being fussed over. I'm just not used to it and it makes me feel weird.

Aunt P fixed a huge supper for us. We ate at 3:30pm because she and Uncle Dan go to bed at like 5.

Aunt P made under-seasoned salisbury steak with runny brown gravy from a little paper packet, instant mashed potatoes the consistency of kindergarten paste and canned creamed corn.

I have not eaten these things since I was in elementary school and was given 50 cents each day to dine in the school cafeteria. These things tasted terrible but at the same time it was all so marvelous and I felt so loved. She made peanut butter pie from a box mix for dessert. I cried a little on the drive home. I was overwhelmed.

Are they bugass crazy? Yes. Aunt P spent the entire day looking for a pink, flip-flop shaped flyswatter that was never more than 2 feet from her hand. She would swat and kill yellow jackets that kept getting into the house every time she opened the back door to flip a dead yellow jacket out the door on the tip of her flyswatter. I happened to notice this pattern and when I brought to their attention the giant yellow jacket nest next to the screen door my Uncle Dan hauled out a container of poison the size of an RV and proceeded to engulf the entire tri-state area with plumes of Raid.

Are they hard of hearing? Yes. My throat is sore from our visit today. It could also be from inhaling poison, but they do have really bad hearing.

However, I'm not going to let the machine pick up for Uncle Dan & Aunt P anymore. They called me to visit and made me pie. They're in.

At the top of the page is a picture of Uncle Dan, one of the crazy aunts, me and my parents looking all glamorous on the sofa behind us. I think everyone is hammered except for me and Uncle Dan.

I'm In Love, I'm In Love, I'm In Love

With a wonderful boy... I keep having to remind myself of this today as yet again he has decided to work from home on a day that an employer has decided to call me. So I have had to wing it and be witty in an impromptu phone interview - away from the computer and fumble around like .... well I don't know what, but I hate being denied use of the computer on that day that I actually need it. Where were these people for the last two days while he was in Chicago? That's it. That's the right tack. I'll turn it around and blame my mood on the people who may possibly hire me.

No. That won't work. They have asked me to come in for an interview in about 2 and a half hours. I'm ready. I'm professional. I'm Johnny(ette) on flippin' the spot. Come in today? Sure! What time? That's no problem at all. But my darling has already asked me why I'm not getting in the shower this very minute and what I am going to wear. Don't let the end of this day find me finally, gainfully employed and yet widowed. I'd like remain happily married and also gainfully employed. Please?

He's wonderful, he cares about me, he smells nice, he thinks my butt is cute - that's me trying to pick a new mantra to help me get through this day.

Today I'm not even going to make his lunch. That'll teach him.

UPDATE 12:43PM - I've had a brilliant thought. Since he has been working from home on the only 2 days an employer has called me in 5 months (yeh, 5 months.) he should work from home EVERY DAY. My rate of return on resumes sent may drastically improve.

Lady Slings The Booze

We've returned safely from Las Vegas. Well, I have anyhow. MDH is still wandering about the country and on his way to Boston for his high school reunion. Party animal. He actually packed two separate suitcases and left one in the car, switched them out when the red eye landed and got right back on another plane and kept right on going. He has the stamina for such things. I on the other hand drove an hour back to GR, picked up the cat from boarding and plonked my dragging ass right into bed where I have been languishing (conked completely out) for the last 6 hours with a homesick cat purring insanely on my head.


I had been awake for nearly 30 hours, unless you want to count the 3 or so hours during the flight when I dozed in and out between the sounds of crying babies (who brings a baby on a red eye?), the inane overly loud conversations of strangers and the yanking of my seat by the elderly man sitting behind me who used my headrest for leverage every time he stood up which seemed like every 5 minutes.

I have consumed more alcohol on this adventure than I have since my early 20's. Good alcohol. The bulk of which included an amazing Caesar's Palace Diamond Club exclusive champagne cocktail. I don't remember the name but it had champagne (duh), Ketel One vodka, Chambord, and a secret ingredient the bartender would not reveal but I suspected to be either grapefruit juice or peyote, served in a sugar rimmed martini glass. They were free, dee-lish and pretty to look at. The combination of these three things caused me to drink about 12 of these over the course of 3 nights.

MDH's brother, a Boston mail carrier who recently moved to Las Vegas, joined us for many of our excursions. Brother is very old school Vegas in an East Coast transplant kind of way, slicked back hair, leathery tan. He has a Cambridge accent so thick that at times I don't understand what he's saying, but once I've had a second to decipher his words I'm smiling.

Sawks - The Red Sox
Shawts - Shorts
Shayt - Shirt
Hoff Tame - Half Time
Foy-ly-age - Foliage
Hosses - Horses
Ey-Pot - Airport
Pey-Dah - his son Peter

Brother treated us to an evening of comedy where we got to see Jon Fisch
who made me laugh out loud for his entire set. Alan liked him so much he bought a CD.

We had dinner one night as Mesa Grill where the food was good, the wine was superb, and the service was kind of a let down.

Gambling and gaming? I hang my head in shame when I tell you this; I believe we have been bumped from Diamond to Seven Stars status.

Our room on the 39th floor overlooked the beautiful fountains of Bellagio so every 15 minutes or so we were treated to booming music and prancing waters (wah-dah). We were treated as well to the cacophony of construction noise which began remarkably every morning at 7:30AM sharp (shahp) with some kind of crane that bleeps with exactly the same sound as my alarm clock (al-ham clahk) at home.

The camera along with all the pictures we took is traveling with Alan still. So to give you an overall feel of my experience I have put up a picture of me during our family trip to Disney World for my 6th birthday. I was sober then, but equally pampered and spoiled.

PS - dig those crooked bangs on my rockin shag haircut man

UPDATE 10/15/2007 - Because my friend Stephanie thought I came up with the title Lady Slings the Booze all by myself I need to let you know that I did not. It's the title of a science fiction novel by Spider Robinson. I didn't want to take credit for being so clever. Here's a link if you want to check it out.

1300 Reasons To Love Casinos

And they all say "In God We Trust".

Yep, this weekend MDH and I were treated to an invitation only soiree for the high roller status members of the new gambling establishment about a 2 hour drive from our house. They made an offer a single income family, one Target trip away from financial despair and starvation, couldn't refuse. Two actually. A free junior suite and a free steak dinner. The junior suite was about 700 square feet (bigger than my old apartment) with a jetted tub, separate shower for two, separate WC, two flat screen HD TV's and an iPod docking station. The steak dinner turned out to be a 28-day dry aged filet so tender I could cut it with my fork. We also got 8 free top-shelf drinks so - cheers!

That's all great stuff, but it gets even better. If you've never been to a non Las Vegas casino you may not understand, but when MDH and I go to these types of places we are no longer the fattest, most un-hip people on the planet. In fact the moment MDH and I step into any number of casinos in Michigan, Indiana or even Canada we are the youngest, most fashionable, most attractive people there. Amid the uncombed, the combed over, the sweatsuited, the toothless, the fanny packed, and the holiday sweatered, we are downright dazzling.

I thought that last night would be different since we were at a VIP event in an elegant restaurant with only about 50 other couples. To my delight not so. We arrived for cocktail hour to discover a sparkling, softly lit space filled with formally attired casino staff members in tuxedos and evening gowns ministering to a roomful of the same types of unkempt zombies we always see farting around the casino. It was bizarre, confidence building and so very entertaining.

As we stood sipping our drinks and sampling the various snacks being offered, MDH and I watched fascinated as a cater waiter with a silver tray of oyster shooters, in some kind of fennel infused cream, approached a man wearing a dirty trucker hat (yes, indoors), a sideless shirt that I guessed he had earned by sending in cigarette carton proofs of purchase 15 years ago (when he lifted his beer to his mouth armpit hair was visible), jean shorts with hanging fringe and dirty flip-flop sandals. Sideless Marlboro and his female companion Split End Ponytail, decked out in the tightest white tapered jeans I have ever seen, some kind of sports jersey and grayish Keds, rolled their eyes at each other as they listened to the waiter describe the milky treat. When he was finished they made sour scary faces as if the waiter had asked them if they wanted to sample a sip of Draino.

The oyster turn down is understandable because many people including me find them repulsive. But a simple no thank you works wonders. No need to roll your eyes all up in your head and make faces and gagging noises. Similar reactions were elicited by Sideless and Split End to the other concoctions offered. Blinis with smoked salmon and some kind of creamy fluff, Tempura lump crab puff with asian chili chutney, medalions of brown sugar braised beef. C'mon people! Not even the braised beef? Reverse snobs they were.

We spent dinner and a good part of the rest of the evening wondering all about Sideless and Split End. Were they staying in the same kind of swanky junior suite as us or did they turn their noses up at that too? When they stay in hotels (or motor inns) do they unpack and hang up their clothes? What kind of appetizer would they have preferred? (My guess was Cool Ranch Doritos and Corn Nuts) Did they send back their medium rare filets and ask them to be well done? Were they on special diets? Have they spent all their money at the casino and thereby have enough points to qualify for elite status, but have to wear rags to all of the VIP events?

All in all we had a wonderful time. It's a drag to stay in a hotel all by yourself, especially when you do it all the time. So it was lovely to stay in such a nice hotel suite with MDH.

Oh, and I won $1300 at 25 cent video poker by landing a royal straight flush.

ps - don't ask how we have elite status - we just do

I Try To Save It For Special Occasions

• I didn't get married until I was 35. Naturally, for me anyway, I dated a lot before I met someone I could tolerate long enough to marry. Frankly I thought it would never happen and had gotten to a point where I really didn't care much. I get irritated really easily and most of the guys I dated ended up bugging me soon or later. Mostly sooner. I'm going to get just a bit mushy here and say that my husband is amazing. He's never boring and only slightly irritating, but I'm sure no more than I am to him. He is my all time favorite person in the world and my best friend ever. He's really cute too.
  
  There was a moment that changed my life that occurred after my husband and I had been dating about 6 months or so. I don't remember the exact circumstances (and I'm warning you in advance to get your filthy smut mind out of the porny gutter) but I said to him, "Here is exactly what I want", and proceeded to spell out for him exactly what I wanted and the order in which I wanted it done (walk to corner, get ice cream cone, eat it sitting on the steps overlooking the playground, etc.).
  
  I'm not sure I had ever said that to any man before. He said it was the single sexiest thing that I or any woman had ever said to him and has worshipped me ever since. (Really, my friend Amy once busted him worshipping me as he was listening to me talk shop at a party. She said he only used one hand though cause the other had a can of beer in it, but still.) We've been together for 8 years and married for 5.
  
  You may put your filthy smut mind back into the porny gutter for only a moment while I tell you that it works in all situations. That's as personal as I'm willing to get here.
  
  I share this revelation with you in hopes that it will bring you the same joy that it has brought me. My loving partner in life no longer has to guess what the hell it is that I want and I don't have to waste any time being angry because he doesn't understand me. Fuck mystery, I'm too damn busy. Being passive-aggressive by nature, I had no idea of the power of such a simple gesture and the impact it would have on the rest of my life.
  
  I try not to be too greedy with my tremendous power but I rolled it out today and as a result we have had an amazing and fun day. I began to cast my spell yesterday by saying, "I really think we should leave the cave tomorrow." To which my lovely spouse replied, "What do you have in mind?" To which I responded, "I don't know but I'm showering the moment I roll out of bed and I'd like to leave pretty early." There, I have set the expectation before he even goes to bed of what will occur the next day.
  
  Now, if you are a person who tends to be indecisive I have no help for you. You gotta know what you want before this little trick of being completely honest and forthright will work for you. There is, by the way, room for compromise. Before I started spouting my statement of intent I began by asking what the football schedule for today looked like. Turns out the Patriots don't play until 8:15pm this evening. I've got all day to have my needs attended to.
  
  Phase 2 begins by following through with the previous nights statement. If you're going to be honest and forthright to get what you want you not only have to know what it is that you want , but also must be prepared to follow through with the original plan. You can't cop out at the last minute or your partner won't know when to take your demands seriously. So, true to my statement of the the previous evening I got up and showered. By the time my husband got out of the shower I had a plan engineered.
  
  Here is exactly what I want:
• I want to get showered and ready to leave the house asap tomorrow morning, but only after we have woken up naturally without an alarm clock. Done and done.


• I want to get in the car and drive to the lake and park the car in the grocery store parking lot (we live close enough to walk but wait for the next step and it'll make sense).


• I want to walk around the entire lake, taking where passible the routes off the main path that are closest to the water.


• When we have finished walking I want to get sandwiches from the deli and eat them on our picnic blanket in the park by the lake. (Hence parking at the grocery store, closer to the deli)


• Then I would like to go home and have a long nap. After which you will mow the grass in the back yard and I will wash a load of laundry.


• I would not like to cook dinner this evening.

We compromised on phases 2 and 4 by parking closer to the park and eating lunch at a restuarant with a deck overlooking the lake.

So, we walked 5 miles in the beautiful sunshine, had a lovely meal watching sailboats on the water on a day that sports is on all day. Not bad, eh? I'm a lucky, lucky girl and I come by it honestly.