In Response To Your Google Search Query #3

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "my husband get irritated in the evening",

Aw honey, don't they all?

My husband get irritated in the morning, afternoon and evening too. He's irritated all ding dong day and frankly there's no solution that doesn't involve sore knees and personal lubricant. So either file for divorce or learn to live with it.

Just kidding!

Seriously darlin' if your husband gets irritated in the evening perhaps you should consider changing your routine. I've been happily married for 5 years and firmly believe much of our marital success is due to this one factor:

When my husband comes home in the evening I leave him the hell alone for 20 minutes.

It wasn't always this way. When we were newly shacked up I typically came home from work before him and having had my own down time, would greet him at the door with nonstop chatter, never realizing that my darling needed some down time too.

These days it's a kiss hello and then immediately goodbye. A scant 20 minutes. Try it.

If that doesn't work you can always greet him at the door wearing nothing but a wristwatch and a smile.

And finally a man's good humor can always be brought back to life with a glass of red wine and some fine chow. If you double that non-yammer time to 40 minutes you can make him this healthful and very easy recipe, guaranteed (not really, although it is delightful) to bring a smile to your grumpy husband's face and subsequently your face too.

Sausage & White Bean "Cassoulet"

(Altered slightly from a recipe in Gourmet Magazine)

Ingredients:

4 Sweet Italian sausage links (about 10 ounces total)*

1 teaspoon olive oil

2 medium sweet onions, halved and sliced thin lengthwise

2 garlic cloves, chopped fine

1 1/2 teaspoons mixed chopped fresh herbs like rosemary, thyme and/or sage or 3/4 teaspoon mixed dried herbs such as Herbs de Provence.
1 bay leaf
1/2 cup chopped scallion greens or fresh parsley leaves
1 (14.5 oz.) can diced tomatoes including juice
1 (19 oz.) can white beans such as cannellini, navy or Great Northern, drained and rinsed

For Topping (optional):
1 tablespoon olive oil

2 slices firm white sandwich bread, crusts discarded, cut into 1/4 inch cubes

1 small garlic clove, chopped fine

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh parsley leaves

In a medium skillet, cook sausages in oil over moderate heat, turning them until browned on all sides and cooked through, about 8 minutes, and transfer to paper towels to drain.
In fat remaining in skillet, cook onions until soft and transparent, add garlic and stir until golden or caramelized. Stir in herbs including bay leaf, scallions or parsley, tomatoes with juice, and salt and pepper to taste. Boil the mixture 5 minutes. Cut sausages into 1/4 inch think slices. Add sausage and beans to tomato mixture and cook, stirring, until heated through. Discard bay leaf and keep "cassoulet" warm, covered.

Make topping:

In a small skillet heat oil over moderately high heat until hot but not smoking and saute bread until pale golden. Stir in garlic, parsley and salt and pepper to taste and saute, stirring 1 minute.

Transfer "cassoulet" to a 1-quart serving dish and cover evenly with topping.

*I substitute with sweet Italian turkey sausage because it's lower in fat and cholesterol and every bit as tasty.

If you've stopped yammering at him for 20 minutes, served him this beautiful meal and done the thing with the knees and the lube and he's still irritated the man is a total asshole and you should probably change the locks and call your attorney.

I mean at that point isn't he the one who's irritating you?

Fuck that shit.

Best Wishes & Kindest Regards!

The Lady

Miss Lady Regrets

Saturday night MDH and I went to see the local Pops Symphony with a guest singer doing the songs of Ella Fitzgerald. It was very romantic. Also now I have all of those beautiful old standards swirling around through my head instead of the Menard's jingle for a change. Do you know that I refuse to ever shop there because of that stupid ass jingle. I'd rather kill myself than save big money at Menard's.

Anyhoo...

When we got home there was a message from my best friend Amy. I hadn't talked to her since before we went to Boston last Thursday and she sounded kinda down. The message said that she had some interesting information to share with me about her ex husband Assface, but that she may not be able to talk about it because it was her weekend with her daughter LBL, and she never spills about Assface in front of LBL (unlike Assface who says nasty shit about Amy to LBL all the time).

I called her and LBL was right there so there was no spilling, but we caught up on everything else and she'll probably call me tomorrow with the Assface report. Meanwhile I asked her if she'd had a chance to finally read my blog and was thrilled to find that she did! She read the Ass Fatties one that is really about her and her husband Ted and said she'd read a couple of others and really enjoyed them. I was thrilled.

Her opinion is really important to me, but she's way too busy most of the time to even sit down and watch a TV show, let alone read all my hot air.

Amy: You should write about the time that you set yourself on fire in McDonald's.

Me: That is uncanny! I did, a couple of posts ago.

Amy: Oh! Then you should write about the time that you tossed cat food into the air conditioner.

Me: Weird! I did! I just posted it today. Wait. What? I didn't toss it so much as I fell down. It was an accident.

Amy: Then you should write about the time that you threw the frozen turkey at Assface.

Me: Yeah, that might be funny...

Amy: or the time that you threw the frozen chicken in Kroger.

Me: What? I don't remember doing that... why would I do that?

Amy: or the time that your cigarette fell into the mailbox on James Road and you got all the mail back in a plastic bag a week later and the letter that said they were looking for the vandal that destroyed your mail.

Me: oh yeah, and then my boss went around telling everyone that I threw the cigarette into the mailbox as if I did it on purpose. It was an accident.

Amy: or the time that you dog sat for Assface and me and the dogs ate open the trash bag and your panty shields were all over the back yard when the insurance guy came over.

Me: It looked like really big confetti. I didn't think they would dig them out of the trash like that. That was an accident. Besides if the insurance guy had come to the front door like a normal person he wouldn't ever have seen them. What's wrong with people?

Amy: or the time that you were stuck behind a bus in traffic and honked your horn at it and then saw the lady in the wheelchair getting off the bus.

Me: Listen. It was taking a really long time and I had to pee.

Amy: or that one time that you...

This wasn't the exact conversation, but it's not too far removed.

She could have gone on like that all night.

She has so much good dirt on me.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Does anybody remember that book? It's the one about the kids who run away from home and spend the night in the museum. God I loved that book! Then I saw that movie Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller and the fantasy of spending the night in a museum went right out the damn window. Night at the Museum put everything right in your face and didn't leave anything behind for the imagination. I'm sorry I saw it.

Anyhoo... that's not what this post is about. This post is about all the shows that are sitting, unwatched thus far, on our DVR. My eclectic viewing tastes reminded me of the title of the book, which in turn made me mad at Ben Stiller. I'm having that kind of day.

DVR is a remarkable thing. Some of you may know it as Tivo. We've had the fancy, high definition cable with a DVR for about 5 years now. It's wonderful. I don't know when was the last time I watched a commercial.

The main problem with having a DVR is this: it gets full and some shows have to be either watched or deleted to make room for new recordings. Right now our DVR is at 94% capacity and mostly with my shows. MDH watches and gets his shows out of the way. I dawdle and procrastinate (yes, I procrastinate TV watching too) and now I've got a ton of stuff out there clogging up our disk space. I've been tasked by MDH to clean it up this week. Will the chores never end? (sigh)

I thought I'd share with you what I'm up against. So without further ado - here's the contents of our DVR (in alphabetical order by title):

A Night at the Opera - (1935) - the Marx Brothers movie. I've never seen it. Well, that's not totally true. I've started to watch it several times and always fall asleep. MDH recorded it and I've vowed to watch it with him without nodding off.

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Russia

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Brazil - We've had this episode sitting on our DVR since August. I'm kind of sick of travel shows about Brazil right now, but Tony Bourdain is my secret boyfriend so I can't bring myself to delete it.

Born Into Brothels (2004) Documentary - this is the IMDB synopsis:
"Amidst the apparent growing prosperity of India, there is a dark underbelly of poverty of another side of the nation that is little known. This film is a chronicle of filmmakers Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman's efforts to show that world of Calcutta's red light district. To do that, they inspired a special group of children of the prostitutes of the area to photograph the most reluctant subjects of it. As the kids excel in their new found art, the filmmakers struggle to help them have a chance for a better life away from the miserable poverty that threatens to crush their dreams."

Bukowski - Born Into This (2003) Documentary - Documentary on Charles Bukowski, author of 'Notes of a Dirty Old Man', 'Love Is a Dog from Hell', and the autobiographical novels, 'Women', 'Hollywood', and 'Post Office'

A Chef's Story - I've got 5 high definition episodes of this PBS series waiting for me.

Conversations with Other Women (2005) - I love Helena Bonham Carter and I've waited a long time to see this film. GR simply has no good movie theaters where films like this are shown. If you live in a big city and don't go to the movies, or worse, go to the movies but only see the big Hollywood blockbuster types of movies - shame on you.

Diner's, Drive-In's & Dives 4 Episodes - Each episode is kind of exactly like the next and the host of the show says stupid things like "off the hook" and "out of control" to describe the food, but I guess I enjoy watching truckers eat sloppy burgers and sausage gravy.

Dirty, Sexy Money - I like this show OK. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I can commit to another new series, but I liked the character Lisa's hair so much that I took this picture with me to the salon and had the stylist cut and color my hair like hers. Unprecedented. Yes. I cut my hair in a style other than my standard blond bob.

5 Days - It's an HBO mini-series. I've watched the entire series and have the finale left to watch, but I've been putting it off.

French Beauty (2005) Documentary - "A story about the riddle of femininity in French cinema." - because I don't feel unattractive enough already.

Frontline "The Undertaking" - "A look at funeral homes, featuring poet Thomas Lynch". Yes.

Grey's Anatomy - 2 episodes - more proof that I can't commit, or has this show jumped the shark?

Iconoclasts - 3 episodes - it's a Sundance Channel series showcasing bizarre friendships between (usually) an actor and a less famous person with a talent other than acting. Some of the pairings make sense, like actor Samuel L. Jackson and "sports legend" Bill Russel. Some of the other pairings make no sense whatsoever like actor Renee Zellweger and journalist Christiane Amanpour. It's sponsored by Grey Goose Vodka who is constantly chiming in with annoying wistful ads of dreamy flying geese. Ultimately they are selling booze so what's with the gauzy dream? Also geese are really gross and always pooping on everything and not at all the animal that what I would want to represent my product (if I had one). They're like big giant pigeons really. This show is annoying, but also compelling. I will probably fast forward through most of them and especially the damn vodka ads.

Masterpiece Theatre, parts 3 & 4 "The Amazing Mrs. Pritchard" - if you haven't been watching this series you're missing out big time. It drew me in because it stars Jane Horrocks, who I love as a grocery store manager who becomes Prime Minister of England.

NOVA - 2 episodes

Oprah Winfrey - 3 episodes - you know I have this set a series recording. Yes I do. Quel surprise! I don't always watch it though. I think Oprah has some great topics and sometimes the show is a lot of fun, but she bugs me. She doesn't seem to let people finish talking and last year she did a series where she traveled across the country on a driving trip with her best friend Gayle and she was really a bitch and not very nice to Gayle. I think Miss Oprah has gotten above her raisin' and is totally out of touch with real life.
The Real Housewives of Orange County - Speaking of out of touch, these women are totally ridiculous. They are all puffed up, sucked in and display the worst parenting skills I've ever seen from rich (or semi-rich) people. The ostentation is nauseating and yet I can't take my eyes off their train wreck-ish-ness.

Seinfeld - 4 Episodes - I had trouble believing it but there are episodes of this show that I missed. I spent the better part of the late 90's evenings attending night school. So instead of Must See TV - for me it was Must Get Degree. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode of Friends at least 5 times by now.

Smart Travels with Rudy Maxa - Vancouver & Victoria, British - Columbia - MDH and I have very different television preferences and one of the few types of programming that we enjoy watching together are travel shows. He gets especially excited when a travel show (or any show really) is available in high definition like Smart Travels is. We watch this show together, although I don't really care for Rudy Maxa. Between you and me, I think Rudy Maxa is an elitist girly man fucksicle, but I'm happy to put up with him so that I can watch TV while holding my darling's hand.

Sunday Morning - I like this show if only for the French horn theme music at the beginning. You hardly ever hear the French horn anywhere else. This show will get deleted without being watched. I keep forgetting to turn off the series recording.

The Departed (2006) Drama - My darling loves all movies filmed in or about Boston. I care because he cares, although I do not care to watch this film. I will watch it. Because I love him, I will watch this film that he has already seen twice without me, with him by my side, talking nonstop throughout the entire thing and pointing out in each scene how the location is relevant to his life somehow. I will do this for him out of love.

Cat-like Gag Reflexes

If you're a parent you can never leave your children alone for a moment. You know how you hear all the time from the parents of the 5 year old you see on the news, who drove an 18-wheeler into a barn or fell off the roof of the grocery - "I only turned my back for a second!"

Well, that's too long.

You can't turn your back ever and here's a little story from my childhood as more evidence that turning your back is not a good idea.

We lived in a house that didn't have central air conditioning, but we had 2 window air conditioners, one in the kitchen/dining room combo and one in my parents bedroom, because in the 70's the parents were the really important people in the house and children were second class citizens who were made to suffer and sweat.

These days I think such a thing may be considered child abuse and things are all turned around and now parents are suffering for the children. What gives?

My brother in law Las Vegas is a prime example of this. MDH once went to a UMASS football game with Las Vegas and his oldest son who at the time was 18. The three of them stayed in a hotel room with 2 full size beds. MDH slept in one of the beds and Las Vegas slept ON THE FLOOR and let his young, spry perfectly healthy 18 year old son have the other bed. In my youth this would never have happened unless I was crippled or something and even then I'm still not sure my parents would have let me have the bed.

Anyhoo... the window air conditioners were expensive and I wasn't allowed anywhere near them for any reason.

We also (for a couple of years) had a pet cat. Her name was Calico and I loved her severely, but nobody had ever shown or told me how to care for or play with a cat properly and as a result Calico stayed as far away from me as possible at all times. I was a tail pulling, force-the-cat-into-my-doll- clothes kind of child. In short, the cat thought I was a little asshole and her instinct for self preservation was correct.

I was constantly chasing after our beloved kitty and the kitty was constantly skulking, low to the ground, as fast as she could away from me.

I soon learned however that she could be coaxed, temporarily, with food.

We kept our pantry stocked with can after can of a disgusting, although very popular at the time, brand of cat food called Puss 'N Boots. No doubt made with ground up horse meat, old phone books, o'possum innards and fish guts, for flavor cats love. Whatever was in it you can be sure that it stunk to high heaven and if you looked at it or had to smell it long enough your gag reflex would begin to kick in.

At the time my sister, who I mentioned before had Down's Syndrome, was going through a phase where she too was obsessed with our cat and also especially with dogs (though we didn't have one). She would spend a great deal of time on her hands and knees barking and meowing. Once she got into trouble for insisting that my mother serve her dinner on the floor instead of the dining room table.

My mother said, "Get up here and eat your dinner at the the table this minute! You're a big girl!", to which my sister replied with a loud yapping bark and then said, "NO! Me a boy doggie!", and barked again as to further prove her point.


Actually she said "Goggie" and it was all ridiculously adorable, up to a point.

Now that you know all of this I can tell you about the series of events that unfolded one summer evening when my mother left my sister and me alone for a few moments. Moments that would change all of our lives forever. Or at least until we finally moved out of that house.

As soon as I realized that for whatever reason my mother was going to be gone for awhile I made my move to the pantry and grabbed a can of Puss N' Boots, slithered over to the electric can opener I that could barely reach on the kitchen counter and the cat food can opening noise began.

As I'd hoped, Calico came running immediately.

My plan was working.

I scooped the stinking pile of cat food into a clean dish, set it down on the kitchen floor and laid down next to it as close as I could stand so that I could pet the cat while she ate.

So absorbed was I in watching the cat enjoy her bonus dinner I did not notice that my sister was observing the event as well.

She walked over to Calico and me, plopped herself down on all fours, shoved the cat out of the way, face planted herself into the bowl and began to eat the cat food herself.

I leapt into action, grabbed the bowl of cat food and started running at full tilt for the dining room. Not so much because my sister had started eating the food, but more because she had ruined my rare and special cat petting moment. I looked around for a new spot to begin again with the cat lovin'.

It was at this time that I tripped over my sister's outstreched leg.

So the bowl of stinking cat food in in my hand went rolling and flying across the dining room, the gooey blobs of cat food rolled and tumbled through the air and landed with a wet, sloppy splat right on the air conditioner.

Cat food was in every single little slat, nook and cranny.

I tried to clean up as much as I could as quickly as I could before my mother came back. Meanwhile my sister had grabbed the bowl that fell to the ground and resumed her mealtime kitty impersonation.

Of course my mother showed up right about this time and I don't remember much after that.

I do remember this: My mother and I were so busy, furiously cleaning the air conditioner, that we had kind of forgotten about my sister having eaten the cat food. Later, when my dad came home from work he nearly vomited when he greeted my sweet baby sister with a kiss. He recalled later that her breath could have knocked over a grizzly bear.

And I remember this: We were never able to get all of the cat food cleaned out of the air conditioner and every time we turned it on the entire house smelled like rotten sardines.

It Was ALL True - Except for #...

Number 28 was the falsie!

"When I was a youth in Cleveland I met Bono and got my picture in the Plain Dealer because I brought him a dozen roses and gave them to him on stage."

It's true, but it actually happened to my old roommate and not me. I was always really envious of it though, so I made it my own for an afternoon.

O' The Circle Won't Be Broken

I was a really bad kid.

Defiant. Prone to brooding. Sneaky. Messy. Have I already mentioned defiant?

Recently I was thinking about some of the shit that I did when I was a kid and if I were my mother I would have never stopped beating me.

I once carved my initials into one of the living room end tables with her good sewing scissors and then covered it up by moving the lamp forward by about 3 inches. How stupid was that? I mean first of all nobody was allowed to touch the good sewing scissors and second of all, it wasn't like she wouldn't eventually see the carving when she moved the lamp the next time she dusted in the living room and lastly, as if she wouldn't find out it was me? It was my freaking initials.

I don't know to this day why I did it, but here is a photo of the lamp, the table, and the mother. No, to answer the question that is probably currently forming in your mind, I have no idea what the fuck she is wearing.

You would think that that kind of shenanigans certainly deserves a good solid 1970's style childhood spanking. But my mom wasn't really the spanking type.

My typical punishment was a lengthy grounding after having been lectured for eternity. My mom would ask me questions during the lecture and then yell at me when I answered. Conversely, she would also yell at me if I didn't answer. "Answer me!"

There was no winning.

After awhile this type of intercourse becomes predictable and meaningless.

Once during one of her lectures I interrupted my mother's tirade to ask with a bored sigh, "Can't you just beat me like other parents do?".

I was a little asshole.

The reason why my mother had ceased to spank me is illustrated here in something I've come to refer to as "The Spanking Circle".The spanking circle is what you get when you cross an angry, screaming, mother-type lady who has grabbed the arm of a little punk, misbehaving girl-child and attempts to spank the girl-child while the asshole girl-child screams back profanities, puts her free hand over her ass for protection and tries to run away. The result is a spinning whirl of angry mother-daughter dispicable-ness.

I deserved every one of those lectures.

Less Than 101 Mostly True Facts About Me

Here is another pre-written bit of drivel to be posted at a later date when blog fodder is low. I saw this thing that Captain Smack had done awhile back where he listed 101 mostly true facts about himself. It was a very long post and very funny and interesting and he also included 3 filthy lies and then made his readers guess which were the lies.

So here is my spin on this, but I ran out of gas and interesting things to say about myself before I made it to 101.

I have only included one filthy lie - see if you can guess which one it is.

Some things that you may not be able to tell just by looking at me:

1. I'm really healthy. I'm fat, but I'm really very healthy. My heart rate is good, my cholesterol is in a healthy range (on the high end of healthy, but healthy just the same), my blood pressure is normal (on the high end of normal, but normal just the same) and I have all my own original teeth.



2. I'm 40 and damn I look really good for 40. Sometimes when people find out how old I am they act very surprised and say "I thought you were my age" and when I find out they are 30ish or below I get all tingly inside.
   
   


3. I'm fairly brimming with vanity and think very highly of myself.



4. I'm an excellent marksman-person-woman. Yes, I abhor guns and such, but found out at the skeet shooting range with one of my uncles when I was a child that I have amazing aim and rarely ever miss a moving target. I tested myself again a couple of years ago at a Women's Expo in Columbus and I've still got it.



5. I love to drive.



6. I have always thought I'd make an excellent librarian, but it just hasn't been in the cards so far.



7. When I was a little kid I had a lady bug cemetery with little pebbles as headstones. I noticed the rows weren't even and killed a ladybug to add to the collection so that everything was more symmetrical.



8. I like for things to be symmetrical and prefer even numbers to odd, but not obsessively so.



9. I hate Kevin Costner and refuse to see any movie he has been in since Field of Dreams.



10. I loathe Tom Arnold too and have never seen any movie that he has ever been in.



11. I intend to keep this record unbroken.



12. I loathe Sharon Stone and have only ever seen one movie she has been in and that was something a long time ago before she displayed her bush in that movie with Michael Douglas.



13. I loathe Martin Lawrence and have never seen him in anything ever for longer than 3 minutes or however long it takes me to realize that I'm watching something with Martin Lawrence in it and change the channel.



14. I tend to not like people who enjoy the comedy stylings of Martin Lawrence.



15. Not that it happens a lot but I race to the TV whenever Wheel of Fortune comes on so that I won't have to hear the audience yell out "Wheeeel-Of-For-tune!" I have only ever heard the complete audience yell-out once or twice and one of those times was when I was in in the hospital after having surgery and it was on the TV of the person in the bed next to mine. I had no choice. I couldn't walk. I was helpless and the pain of hearing it was excruciating.



16. With very few exceptions I find most children under the age of 15 really, really annoying. Sorry all you parents out there. I tend to like the children that I actually know personally, like the children of my friends and family members, if that's any consolation to you.



17. I think that most parents are lying when they say how rewarding having children is. It looks like a buttload of thankless work. I think secretly they want to substitute the word "reward" for "relief" when the children move out of the house.



18. With regard to #16-17: I grew up in a home where my mother made it clear from the beginning that raising me and my sister was buttload of thankless work. She said she was relieved when I finally moved out.



19. With regard to #18: I had kind of a shitty childhood.



20. Sometimes I wonder if we've made a huge mistake by choosing not to have children.



21. Then I come to my senses and remember that we're kind of old, infertile and also that parenthood appears to blow.



22. When I was 18 I worked as a ticket-taker at a pornographic drive-in movie theater in Delaware, Ohio. It was creepy and I only worked there for one night. The featured attraction was called "Porn In the USA".
    
    


23. "Porn In the USA" was the first pornographic movie I ever saw.



24. Sometimes I tell lies to strangers if they are spouting off about something and are completely uninformed and stupid. For example; I have told multiple people I barely know that I am Jewish if they say nasty things about Jewish people to me or tell me a Jew joke.
    


25. I'm a terrible liar if I'm lying to someone I love.



26. The first concert I ever went to was Howard Jones. The Call opened up for him. It was a good show.



27. I don't always wash my hands after I use the restroom. This is especially true when I'm traveling all day and in airports. The cheap soap dries my skin all out and the bathrooms are so poorly designed that it's impossible to get anywhere near the sink without my bag/jacket/shirt getting wet.
    
    


28. When I was a youth in Cleveland I met Bono and got my picture in the Plain Dealer because I brought him a dozen roses and gave them to him on stage.
    
    


29. If it makes you feel any better - I DO always carry sanitary wipey things in my purse so I can wash my hands without getting soaked or trampled in a post deplaning ladies room stampede. I usually do this in the stall before I leave or sometimes if the bathroom is really crowded I'll do it where people can see me.
    



30. On that note I think I'll mention here that I hate to see women pretending to wash their hands in public restrooms. Who do you think you're fooling you dirty, lazy bitch? You just got the backs of your hands a little wet and didn't even use soap or attempt to rub your hands together. Why did you bother?
    
    


31. One of the best shows I ever saw was The Sugar Cubes in the Flats in like 1987 or 88. I don't remember when but it was the year that Life's Too Good was released here in the US.



32. I hate getting stuck behind people who attempt to make left turns into really busy traffic where there is no light. I was planning to turn right because I have some common sense and foresight and can see that we will be sitting here for 45 minutes because the traffic is really busy here and now I'm stuck behind you, you left turning asshole. If I were going to turn left I would have driven 20 yards further where there is a light. I hate you.
    


33. I will try almost anything once as long as it's not life threatening like bungee jumping or riding in a 15 passenger church-style van (those things are always crashing).
    


34. I have never been arrested.
    


35. I used to be a cutter.
    


36. I used to eat LSD, but not in a nutty way. Only ever one little tab at a time purchased from reliable sources. I was never one to eat like 8 tabs and go see Pink Floyd's The Wall or go to a rave. I would eat one tab and invite one or two friends over to hang out and watch TV for 18 hours.
    


37. I have never had a bad trip.
    


38. One summer I smoked pot every day with my friend Dan J. It was a good summer.
    


39. I don't smoke pot anymore. Not for like 15 years.
    


40. I never did any drug that required snorting or injecting. It isn't ladylike.
    


41. I used to have a mohawk.
    
    
42. I used to think it was really funny to tell guys that hit on me in bars that if they didn't leave me alone I would put my cigarette out in their eye.
    
    
43. I used to smoke pot almost every day.
    


44. I think I said that one already.
    


45. Apparently I'm damn lucky to be alive and still have some brain cells left.
    


46. Crowds upset me. A lot. As a result I don't go to very many big-name concerts but I love to hear live music in smaller clubs and bars.
    


47. I have never slept outdoors, not even a nap.
    


48. Even after all this time I don't feel as much like I quit smoking as stopped buying cigarettes. I jones for a smoke every single day.
    


49. When I go to the movies I like to get there early enough to sit exactly in the center of the theater. If it gets crowded enough that the ushers ask everyone to move down it makes me really angry. I figure I took the time to get there early enough and specifically chose this particular seat. I'm not moving. Fuck you.
    


50. Until I was in my middle 20's the only Chinese food I ever ate was La Choy pepper steak from a can. My mother used to cook it in an electric wok that she had purchased for the sole purpose of preparing exactly this meal. From a can. She never used the electric wok for anything else.
    


51. I was 21 the first time I ever ate a burrito.
    


52. It's likely that I know more about tea than anybody you know. Unless you know someone who like owns a tea shop or something.
    


53. It's also likely that I know more about coffee than anybody you know.
    


54. I used to manage a gourmet coffee and tea shop and went to a special school to learn all about it.
    


55. I have never had braces.
    


56. I have come to rely so much on the stored phone numbers in my home and cell phones that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart anymore, including my own.
    


57. I took a class in college called Small Systems Hardware, so I can take a computer apart and put it all back together again, but I don't like to because the pieces inside the machine are really sharp and it scratches my hands all up.
    


58. I have never made a prank phone call.
    


59. Sometimes I think it would be cool to own and run a restaurant. But then I think that cooking may not be as fun if I had to do it everyday.
    
60. My fantasy restaurant is only open for lunch on weekdays and I only serve soup and sandwiches.
    


61. Although sometimes my fantasy restaurant has one of those giant Parisian style chicken rotisseries with the drippings falling on roasted potatoes.
    


62. I'm hungry.
    


63. I'm not the Lady Who Doesn't Lunch because I skip lunch. I don't miss too many meals. It's because when I quit my job my husband was teasing me and saying I was going to become one of those ladies of leisure who lunch, like a Junior Leaguer. If you know me the thought of that is ridiculous.
    
    
64. Once when I was on my lunch break standing in line at the McDonalad's on 3rd Ave in downtown Columbus I announced loudly and out of the blue, "I'm not eating in here it STINKS!" It did stink, but when we left I took the stink with me because I'm the one who stunk. I had absent-mindedly put a lit cigarette in my jacket pocket and caught myself on fire.
    


65. I don't like birds. I think they are noisy and messy and start squawking outside of my window way too early in the morning. Bastards.
    


66. I haven't cleaned out the inside of my car for over 2 years.
    


67. Surprisingly it's not that messy.
    


68. I'm sick of writing this shit.
    
    
69. To the best of my knowledge, there is no one else on this planet with exactly the same name as mine.
    
70.