The Psycho-Agoraphobic Diet Plan: Stale Saltines & Artichoke Hearts

It's not quite that bad, but our cupboard is rather bare, so a meal of stale crackers and artichoke hearts from a can is not too far removed from the menu possibilities. I despise leaving the house this time of year and often end up talking myself out of it.

I've been putting off grocery shopping, hoping to make it until after the holidays, in an effort to avoid holiday shoppers, overful parking lots and long waits in check out lines. Ridiculous you say? Yes, you are correct. I'm an idiot or possibly agoraphobic. Now I've really fucked up because I've waited all week and now it's Saturday, the absolute worst day for food shopping.

Just in case you were wondering - I overthink everything. My brain is a constant cacaphony of henlike blathering and mapping out crazy schemes to make to make my life easier. It never works, but it goes a little something like this (please don't read the whole thing, just kind of scan over it and notice the crazy, disjointed, constant commentary and it should give you a good feel of what it's like to be me - exhausting):

damn, we're almost out of yogurt. i should put on some pants and go to superfuck's (big box grocery where my favored brand of yogurt is always on sale), but if i go to superfuck's i'd better go on monday so i can avoid the crowds, otherwise you gotta park in siberia and it's supposed to snow today and my car might get plowed in while i'm shopping like it did that one time, and then it'll be in a big filthy snow pile and i won't be able to find the car because the snow pile will muffle the sound when i hit the "panic" button on the fob (what i normally do when i lose the car in giant parking lots), but it's not monday, it's the second to last saturday before x-mas and superfuck's will be really crowded and the shelves will be empty and i'll have to ask for help, because they never have what i want when it's not the second saturday before x-mas, ok, how can I avoid going to superfuck's today? going there always sucks ass, i should call mom, i'll call her later, or should i call her now while i'm thinking about it, fuckit, i'll just send her an email, maybe I can just get a few things to get me through the weekend at overpricey's (the glamourous, fancy expensive grocery store located down the street from us in the glamourous, fancy, expensive suburb we share a zip code with), ok, what pants will i wear, what am i making, i'm making portuguese kale soup, what do i need for that, mainly kale, do they have kale at overpricey's?, and is it decent kale? shit, i bet they don't, there was that one time that boy at the cash register didn't know what avacados were and then when i got them home they were all brown inside, we need kale, maybe i should drive to whole foods (2 and a half hours away in ann arbor), they always have good kale, it might be fun if mdh went with me, we could make a day of it, yeah, we'll got to ann arbor for the day and then i won't need kale at all because i can't make portuguese soup if i'm out of town all day, wait, then the linguica will go to waste, that would suck, that would be crazy to drive all the way to ann arbor for yogurt and kale besides their organic milk is too expensive and waste linguica, no, no i'll just strap on a hard one and go to superfuck's, damn i hate superfuck's, what if i don't make portuguese kale soup today, what then? well, some sausages will go to waste and i can't get linguica anywhere around here, i have to pee, maybe i should go pee, i should clean the bathroom, what would we eat if i didn't make portuguese soup, maybe i should focus on what i do have in the house instead of always focusing on what i don't have, i should try to be a more positive person, i'm alwyas so negative and that's no good, let's go look in the pantry, where the fuck is my good pen, i'm hungry for sweet potatoes, we're almost out of yogurt, ok, we've got black beans, artichoke hearts, how old are those crackers? what smells in here, oh shit sweet potatoes? how long have these been in here? shit i should just strap it on and go to superfucks, what pants should i wear...

So what ends up happening when my fat head gets this overstimulated? NOTHING. I will concoct some crazy meal from scraps and then feel like a crazy lazy shit for not going to the store.

Begging & Choosing

It has turned out to be a good week on the job front after all. I got a call yesterday about a job where my friend Rachel works (it was a phone screen and they'll call next week to set up an interview most likely), and 2 calls today from 2 different recruiters about the same exact job. Weird. The interview I have tomorrow is with recruiter #2, who seemed more on the ball than recruiter #1.

The job with Rachel's company is not anything close to what I'd like to be doing, but I will do if they offer and if nothing else pans out. Beggars cannot be choosers and I'm awfully damn close to begging at this point. Wouldn't that suck though? To go all this time looking and end up doing something totally awful and not remotely on my desired path? I may have no choice but to find out how bad it sucks.

Of course I was awesome on the phone so I'm sure my interview with recruiter #2 will be a shorty as he probably just wants to check me out and make sure I don't look like Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

I'll be sporting my new bob, my lucky tweed pants with my new Liz Claiborne jacket that I bought today at TJ Maxx for $20, brown pointy shoes and tasteful Tiffany loveknot necklace. My standard interviewing uniform. Oh, and a big giant smile..

Jeezus, I hope someone will hire me soon.

MDH has informed me that his vendor partnership is over as of January 1st. Meaning he will lose the office space he has been using at his client's headquarters. The office space he has been occupying for the last 3 and a half years. Meaning he will be working from home full time from then on. Meaning I will be kicked out of my cozy home office as it will become his cozy home office. Meaning I gotta get the hell out of here before then.

Here is a picture of what my office looked like summer before last when I was working from home in-between gigs on the road. Messy (sorry SRU - I'm a slob, but I did eventually pick up the phone bill from off the floor and file it where it belongs)! But what a nice view outside, eh? I'll miss it.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Does anybody remember that book? It's the one about the kids who run away from home and spend the night in the museum. God I loved that book! Then I saw that movie Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller and the fantasy of spending the night in a museum went right out the damn window. Night at the Museum put everything right in your face and didn't leave anything behind for the imagination. I'm sorry I saw it.

Anyhoo... that's not what this post is about. This post is about all the shows that are sitting, unwatched thus far, on our DVR. My eclectic viewing tastes reminded me of the title of the book, which in turn made me mad at Ben Stiller. I'm having that kind of day.

DVR is a remarkable thing. Some of you may know it as Tivo. We've had the fancy, high definition cable with a DVR for about 5 years now. It's wonderful. I don't know when was the last time I watched a commercial.

The main problem with having a DVR is this: it gets full and some shows have to be either watched or deleted to make room for new recordings. Right now our DVR is at 94% capacity and mostly with my shows. MDH watches and gets his shows out of the way. I dawdle and procrastinate (yes, I procrastinate TV watching too) and now I've got a ton of stuff out there clogging up our disk space. I've been tasked by MDH to clean it up this week. Will the chores never end? (sigh)

I thought I'd share with you what I'm up against. So without further ado - here's the contents of our DVR (in alphabetical order by title):

A Night at the Opera - (1935) - the Marx Brothers movie. I've never seen it. Well, that's not totally true. I've started to watch it several times and always fall asleep. MDH recorded it and I've vowed to watch it with him without nodding off.

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Russia

Anthony Bourdain No Reservations - Brazil - We've had this episode sitting on our DVR since August. I'm kind of sick of travel shows about Brazil right now, but Tony Bourdain is my secret boyfriend so I can't bring myself to delete it.

Born Into Brothels (2004) Documentary - this is the IMDB synopsis:
"Amidst the apparent growing prosperity of India, there is a dark underbelly of poverty of another side of the nation that is little known. This film is a chronicle of filmmakers Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman's efforts to show that world of Calcutta's red light district. To do that, they inspired a special group of children of the prostitutes of the area to photograph the most reluctant subjects of it. As the kids excel in their new found art, the filmmakers struggle to help them have a chance for a better life away from the miserable poverty that threatens to crush their dreams."

Bukowski - Born Into This (2003) Documentary - Documentary on Charles Bukowski, author of 'Notes of a Dirty Old Man', 'Love Is a Dog from Hell', and the autobiographical novels, 'Women', 'Hollywood', and 'Post Office'

A Chef's Story - I've got 5 high definition episodes of this PBS series waiting for me.

Conversations with Other Women (2005) - I love Helena Bonham Carter and I've waited a long time to see this film. GR simply has no good movie theaters where films like this are shown. If you live in a big city and don't go to the movies, or worse, go to the movies but only see the big Hollywood blockbuster types of movies - shame on you.

Diner's, Drive-In's & Dives 4 Episodes - Each episode is kind of exactly like the next and the host of the show says stupid things like "off the hook" and "out of control" to describe the food, but I guess I enjoy watching truckers eat sloppy burgers and sausage gravy.

Dirty, Sexy Money - I like this show OK. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I can commit to another new series, but I liked the character Lisa's hair so much that I took this picture with me to the salon and had the stylist cut and color my hair like hers. Unprecedented. Yes. I cut my hair in a style other than my standard blond bob.

5 Days - It's an HBO mini-series. I've watched the entire series and have the finale left to watch, but I've been putting it off.

French Beauty (2005) Documentary - "A story about the riddle of femininity in French cinema." - because I don't feel unattractive enough already.

Frontline "The Undertaking" - "A look at funeral homes, featuring poet Thomas Lynch". Yes.

Grey's Anatomy - 2 episodes - more proof that I can't commit, or has this show jumped the shark?

Iconoclasts - 3 episodes - it's a Sundance Channel series showcasing bizarre friendships between (usually) an actor and a less famous person with a talent other than acting. Some of the pairings make sense, like actor Samuel L. Jackson and "sports legend" Bill Russel. Some of the other pairings make no sense whatsoever like actor Renee Zellweger and journalist Christiane Amanpour. It's sponsored by Grey Goose Vodka who is constantly chiming in with annoying wistful ads of dreamy flying geese. Ultimately they are selling booze so what's with the gauzy dream? Also geese are really gross and always pooping on everything and not at all the animal that what I would want to represent my product (if I had one). They're like big giant pigeons really. This show is annoying, but also compelling. I will probably fast forward through most of them and especially the damn vodka ads.

Masterpiece Theatre, parts 3 & 4 "The Amazing Mrs. Pritchard" - if you haven't been watching this series you're missing out big time. It drew me in because it stars Jane Horrocks, who I love as a grocery store manager who becomes Prime Minister of England.

NOVA - 2 episodes

Oprah Winfrey - 3 episodes - you know I have this set a series recording. Yes I do. Quel surprise! I don't always watch it though. I think Oprah has some great topics and sometimes the show is a lot of fun, but she bugs me. She doesn't seem to let people finish talking and last year she did a series where she traveled across the country on a driving trip with her best friend Gayle and she was really a bitch and not very nice to Gayle. I think Miss Oprah has gotten above her raisin' and is totally out of touch with real life.
The Real Housewives of Orange County - Speaking of out of touch, these women are totally ridiculous. They are all puffed up, sucked in and display the worst parenting skills I've ever seen from rich (or semi-rich) people. The ostentation is nauseating and yet I can't take my eyes off their train wreck-ish-ness.

Seinfeld - 4 Episodes - I had trouble believing it but there are episodes of this show that I missed. I spent the better part of the late 90's evenings attending night school. So instead of Must See TV - for me it was Must Get Degree. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode of Friends at least 5 times by now.

Smart Travels with Rudy Maxa - Vancouver & Victoria, British - Columbia - MDH and I have very different television preferences and one of the few types of programming that we enjoy watching together are travel shows. He gets especially excited when a travel show (or any show really) is available in high definition like Smart Travels is. We watch this show together, although I don't really care for Rudy Maxa. Between you and me, I think Rudy Maxa is an elitist girly man fucksicle, but I'm happy to put up with him so that I can watch TV while holding my darling's hand.

Sunday Morning - I like this show if only for the French horn theme music at the beginning. You hardly ever hear the French horn anywhere else. This show will get deleted without being watched. I keep forgetting to turn off the series recording.

The Departed (2006) Drama - My darling loves all movies filmed in or about Boston. I care because he cares, although I do not care to watch this film. I will watch it. Because I love him, I will watch this film that he has already seen twice without me, with him by my side, talking nonstop throughout the entire thing and pointing out in each scene how the location is relevant to his life somehow. I will do this for him out of love.

In Response To Your Google Search Query #1

Just in case you thought I was done blogging for the day:

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "how to make big fluffy croissants",

Quel Damage! But mercy buckets for visiting! I presume to take the meaning of your query in a non-sexual way and hope you weren't too disappointed to find this blog has nothing to do with baked goods or pastries and everything to do with my life's boring and often disgusting minutiae. I do have some good news for you, however!

No, I didn't just save a bundle on car insurance, but I actually DO know the secrets of how to make big fluffy croissants.

Here you go:
Don't over knead the dough and make sure that both the butter AND the dough are about the same temperature before you begin rolling. 65°F (23°C) is ideal. Now, if that doesn't work for you, you can try a little trick I learned several years ago in Paris that I like to call "go to the bakery and let a professional worry about such things darling because life is short".

Bon appétit et Bonne Chance!

Toodles!
The Lady

Shameless Cat Exploitation

I'll check back in Monday with a full report of Nanny's 100th birthday party. To keep you entertained until then - here is a video of our cat Turtle eating his kibble. Yes. He is in perfect health and no limbs are broken or damaged, yet he always eats this way.

Watch it over and over - it'll totally freak out MDH when he sees that the number of views has dramatically increased. Seriously. Watch it as many times as you can stand it.

Five Minutes To Bridezillas

Most weekday mornings MDH wakes up at around 6:30 or 7am walks to the other side of the house and makes himself a bowl of cereal. I wake up when I hear him get in the shower and then I go out to the kitchen to make the coffee and feed the cat. By the time he leaves for work I'm on the treadmill. After that I head into the office to look for work anywhere from 1 to 3 hours and then it's off to loafing I go.

I won't bother to tell you how I spend the rest of the day. It's just too embarrassing. Not soap opera embarrassing, but suffice it to say I don't do much. These days mostly blogging (I'm having a lot of fun, thank you).

This morning I heard MDH get out of bed and then slide the pocket doors that divide the bedrooms from the rest of the house closed. I went back to sleep thinking I would wake up when I heard him come back to take a shower. Well, he never showed up and I slept in until about 8:30am. Realizing of course as soon as I woke up - oh shit he's decided to work from home today. Now I know I will be irritated with him the rest of the day.

I love him very much blah, blah, blah. I think I've written a few times before about how much I am in love with and appreciate my husband. Yeah, yeah, he's amazing and terrific. But that doesn't stop me from hating it when he intrudes on my turf. The house and the computer are mine from 8am to 6pm on weekdays dammit.

In the last 4 months I have become the Rainman of couch potatoes and my routine of sitting around all day doing nothing has been violated. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me. Not in the least. I know exactly how ridiculous I am. I know it and that is excactly why I got all pissy. When he works from home I am forced to acknowledge my laziness and general lack of drive and it pisses me off. I like living in denial much better. It's easier on my lower back too.

Anyway today was the most productive day I've had all week and I can't tell you how much I resented it. I did 100 times more housework than I normally do and even made him a special lunch, a grilled cheese sandwich and wedding soup. Not only that but I kissed him on his forehead as I served it to him in the office.

Yeah, I know.