Here is another pre-written bit of drivel to be posted at a later date when blog fodder is low. I saw this thing that
Captain Smack had done awhile back where he listed 101 mostly true facts about himself. It was a very long post and very funny and interesting and he also included 3 filthy lies and then made his readers guess which were the lies.
So here is my spin on this, but I ran out of gas and interesting things to say about myself before I made it to 101.
I have only included one filthy lie - see if you can guess which one it is.
Some things that you may not be able to tell just by looking at me:
- I'm really healthy. I'm fat, but I'm really very healthy. My heart rate is good, my cholesterol is in a healthy range (on the high end of healthy, but healthy just the same), my blood pressure is normal (on the high end of normal, but normal just the same) and I have all my own original teeth.
- I'm 40 and damn I look really good for 40. Sometimes when people find out how old I am they act very surprised and say "I thought you were my age" and when I find out they are 30ish or below I get all tingly inside.
- I'm fairly brimming with vanity and think very highly of myself.
- I'm an excellent marksman-person-woman. Yes, I abhor guns and such, but found out at the skeet shooting range with one of my uncles when I was a child that I have amazing aim and rarely ever miss a moving target. I tested myself again a couple of years ago at a Women's Expo in Columbus and I've still got it.
- I love to drive.
- I have always thought I'd make an excellent librarian, but it just hasn't been in the cards so far.
- When I was a little kid I had a lady bug cemetery with little pebbles as headstones. I noticed the rows weren't even and killed a ladybug to add to the collection so that everything was more symmetrical.
- I like for things to be symmetrical and prefer even numbers to odd, but not obsessively so.
- I hate Kevin Costner and refuse to see any movie he has been in since Field of Dreams.
- I loathe Tom Arnold too and have never seen any movie that he has ever been in.
- I intend to keep this record unbroken.
- I loathe Sharon Stone and have only ever seen one movie she has been in and that was something a long time ago before she displayed her bush in that movie with Michael Douglas.
- I loathe Martin Lawrence and have never seen him in anything ever for longer than 3 minutes or however long it takes me to realize that I'm watching something with Martin Lawrence in it and change the channel.
- I tend to not like people who enjoy the comedy stylings of Martin Lawrence.
- Not that it happens a lot but I race to the TV whenever Wheel of Fortune comes on so that I won't have to hear the audience yell out "Wheeeel-Of-For-tune!" I have only ever heard the complete audience yell-out once or twice and one of those times was when I was in in the hospital after having surgery and it was on the TV of the person in the bed next to mine. I had no choice. I couldn't walk. I was helpless and the pain of hearing it was excruciating.
- With very few exceptions I find most children under the age of 15 really, really annoying. Sorry all you parents out there. I tend to like the children that I actually know personally, like the children of my friends and family members, if that's any consolation to you.
- I think that most parents are lying when they say how rewarding having children is. It looks like a buttload of thankless work. I think secretly they want to substitute the word "reward" for "relief" when the children move out of the house.
- With regard to #16-17: I grew up in a home where my mother made it clear from the beginning that raising me and my sister was buttload of thankless work. She said she was relieved when I finally moved out.
- With regard to #18: I had kind of a shitty childhood.
- Sometimes I wonder if we've made a huge mistake by choosing not to have children.
- Then I come to my senses and remember that we're kind of old, infertile and also that parenthood appears to blow.
- When I was 18 I worked as a ticket-taker at a pornographic drive-in movie theater in Delaware, Ohio. It was creepy and I only worked there for one night. The featured attraction was called "Porn In the USA".
- "Porn In the USA" was the first pornographic movie I ever saw.
- Sometimes I tell lies to strangers if they are spouting off about something and are completely uninformed and stupid. For example; I have told multiple people I barely know that I am Jewish if they say nasty things about Jewish people to me or tell me a Jew joke.
- I'm a terrible liar if I'm lying to someone I love.
- The first concert I ever went to was Howard Jones. The Call opened up for him. It was a good show.
- I don't always wash my hands after I use the restroom. This is especially true when I'm traveling all day and in airports. The cheap soap dries my skin all out and the bathrooms are so poorly designed that it's impossible to get anywhere near the sink without my bag/jacket/shirt getting wet.
- When I was a youth in Cleveland I met Bono and got my picture in the Plain Dealer because I brought him a dozen roses and gave them to him on stage.
- If it makes you feel any better - I DO always carry sanitary wipey things in my purse so I can wash my hands without getting soaked or trampled in a post deplaning ladies room stampede. I usually do this in the stall before I leave or sometimes if the bathroom is really crowded I'll do it where people can see me.
- On that note I think I'll mention here that I hate to see women pretending to wash their hands in public restrooms. Who do you think you're fooling you dirty, lazy bitch? You just got the backs of your hands a little wet and didn't even use soap or attempt to rub your hands together. Why did you bother?
- One of the best shows I ever saw was The Sugar Cubes in the Flats in like 1987 or 88. I don't remember when but it was the year that Life's Too Good was released here in the US.
- I hate getting stuck behind people who attempt to make left turns into really busy traffic where there is no light. I was planning to turn right because I have some common sense and foresight and can see that we will be sitting here for 45 minutes because the traffic is really busy here and now I'm stuck behind you, you left turning asshole. If I were going to turn left I would have driven 20 yards further where there is a light. I hate you.
- I will try almost anything once as long as it's not life threatening like bungee jumping or riding in a 15 passenger church-style van (those things are always crashing).
- I have never been arrested.
- I used to be a cutter.
- I used to eat LSD, but not in a nutty way. Only ever one little tab at a time purchased from reliable sources. I was never one to eat like 8 tabs and go see Pink Floyd's The Wall or go to a rave. I would eat one tab and invite one or two friends over to hang out and watch TV for 18 hours.
- I have never had a bad trip.
- One summer I smoked pot every day with my friend Dan J. It was a good summer.
- I don't smoke pot anymore. Not for like 15 years.
- I never did any drug that required snorting or injecting. It isn't ladylike.
- I used to have a mohawk.
- I used to think it was really funny to tell guys that hit on me in bars that if they didn't leave me alone I would put my cigarette out in their eye.
- I used to smoke pot almost every day.
- I think I said that one already.
- Apparently I'm damn lucky to be alive and still have some brain cells left.
- Crowds upset me. A lot. As a result I don't go to very many big-name concerts but I love to hear live music in smaller clubs and bars.
- I have never slept outdoors, not even a nap.
- Even after all this time I don't feel as much like I quit smoking as stopped buying cigarettes. I jones for a smoke every single day.
- When I go to the movies I like to get there early enough to sit exactly in the center of the theater. If it gets crowded enough that the ushers ask everyone to move down it makes me really angry. I figure I took the time to get there early enough and specifically chose this particular seat. I'm not moving. Fuck you.
- Until I was in my middle 20's the only Chinese food I ever ate was La Choy pepper steak from a can. My mother used to cook it in an electric wok that she had purchased for the sole purpose of preparing exactly this meal. From a can. She never used the electric wok for anything else.
- I was 21 the first time I ever ate a burrito.
- It's likely that I know more about tea than anybody you know. Unless you know someone who like owns a tea shop or something.
- It's also likely that I know more about coffee than anybody you know.
- I used to manage a gourmet coffee and tea shop and went to a special school to learn all about it.
- I have never had braces.
- I have come to rely so much on the stored phone numbers in my home and cell phones that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart anymore, including my own.
- I took a class in college called Small Systems Hardware, so I can take a computer apart and put it all back together again, but I don't like to because the pieces inside the machine are really sharp and it scratches my hands all up.
- I have never made a prank phone call.
- Sometimes I think it would be cool to own and run a restaurant. But then I think that cooking may not be as fun if I had to do it everyday.
- My fantasy restaurant is only open for lunch on weekdays and I only serve soup and sandwiches.
- Although sometimes my fantasy restaurant has one of those giant Parisian style chicken rotisseries with the drippings falling on roasted potatoes.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm not the Lady Who Doesn't Lunch because I skip lunch. I don't miss too many meals. It's because when I quit my job my husband was teasing me and saying I was going to become one of those ladies of leisure who lunch, like a Junior Leaguer. If you know me the thought of that is ridiculous.
- Once when I was on my lunch break standing in line at the McDonalad's on 3rd Ave in downtown Columbus I announced loudly and out of the blue, "I'm not eating in here it STINKS!" It did stink, but when we left I took the stink with me because I'm the one who stunk. I had absent-mindedly put a lit cigarette in my jacket pocket and caught myself on fire.
- I don't like birds. I think they are noisy and messy and start squawking outside of my window way too early in the morning. Bastards.
- I haven't cleaned out the inside of my car for over 2 years.
- Surprisingly it's not that messy.
- I'm sick of writing this shit.
- To the best of my knowledge, there is no one else on this planet with exactly the same name as mine.
I've been tagged again and I don't mind because I'm a meme whore. Meme's are especially good for days like today when I feel like writing something but have absolutely nothing good to say (even though the lady carding me for wine at the grocery today said she thought I looked like I was in my 20's which normally thrills me).
1. I always wear a watch, even to bed. I take it off to shower, otherwise it's on my wrist. I have waterproof sports watches to wear on vacations where I'll be swimming or snorkeling. Last January I left the house in a hurry to catch a flight and forgot to put my watch back on after I showered. I was practically twitching and shivering until my layover flight in Minneapolis. Once there I busted my ass running for a store I knew sold watches so I could buy a new one before my next flight left on the other side of the airport. I paid way too much, but the idea of being away from home working in the middle of nowhere without a watch was unbearable.
3. It bugs me when someone (these days it's my husband, but he's improving) empties the ice cube trays and puts them back in the freezer without refilling them. I long for a fridge with an ice maker.
