Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This - Special "Get Away from Me With That" Edition

My bout of writer's block has lasted long enough that I'm ready to throw in the towel and refer to the salad days of my blogging as a fluke.  Seriously, sometimes I look back at some of my old posts and wonder just who the hell wrote them.

In an attempt to recapture some of that blogging magic I have decided to return to my roots.  Yes.  I decided to revisit the original source of inspiration when I started this blog - the largest compository of stupid unnessary consumer products - the Harriet Carter catalog.  I also decided to check in on my other old favorite - Skymall.

Let's see what's new in the world of wasting your MeeMaw and PeePaws money shall we?

Protein Ketchup


"Protein Ketchup is the first protein-fortified condiment. With 15 grams of protein, zero fat, and two servings of tomatoes in every "dipper-style" one-ounce cup, Protein Ketchup delivers the taste and mouthfeel you expect, with the nutrition you want."

 

 


First of all, shut up and stop saying "mouthfeel" you pervert.  And B, why not just eat something besides french fries and onion rings, eh Fattie?  I shudder to think of what kind of terrifying DNA alteration would happen if you slather this shit on a genetically modified beef patty.  I can say nothing nice about this except, at least it's not mayonnaise.

Hot Dog Slice 'n' Serve

I had to include this.  I mean, what an important invention for the 21st century and beyond.  Oh sure, laugh now, but we are going to need this when the robots take over and ban the use of all butter knives.

Pulse Massager and Pads

Apparently not for people who live alone. I mean how are you going to stick all that stuff on your back all by yourself.  What a useless piece of shit.  What else are you going to do with four little vibrating suction... cups... if you're at home by yourself... wait. Nevermind.  Genius.

Hot Feet Microwave Slippers

 

Because your house doesn't stink enough already?  I don't know about you, but my slippers smell like rotten chili-cheese fritos and are probably the last thing I'd want to put anywhere near a location where food is prepared.
 

Dear Fashion, Nobody Needs This

Dear MaxMara,
I'm writing to let you know, just in case you drank too many Papaya-tinis or swallowed too much Extasy at the photo shoot and weren't aware, that the model in your advertisement is wearing her leotard underpinning backwards. Also I feel it's important you understand that high waisted, tight fitting pants in a large cammo-floral-ish pattern look hideous on, oh I don't know, just about everyone. The other components of this outfit seem all right, except for maybe the leather bolo thing. Fuck it. Other than the sweater it all sucks donkey balls and if all you've got to offer us is a brown cardigan you should probably know that we can get one of those at Kohl's.
Sincerely,
Women Everywhere


Dear Topshop,
Finally! Now I know exactly where to go to buy the over sized faded t-shirts and cut off Daisy Duke jean shorts that pooch out in the crotch and make me look like I have a big giant cock. I mean where else on earth could I find that? I mean besides Goodwill... Anyhoo... now I know exactly what to wear when I give $5 blow jobs on the subway platform. Please, please tell me that they are also hand sewn and caked with the dried blood of Sri-Lankan pre-schoolers. I just love cheap hooker clothes that are made with child labor.
Crackwhorishly Yours,
Lady

Dear Calvin Klein,
Send help quickly! The model in your ad has fallen into some kind of nightmarish tree nest and her arms are too skinny for her to pull herself out on her own power. Please help her, she's trapped! Send her a cigarette and a turkey sandwich, stat. Hurry! She's starting to look really depressed.
Kindest Regards,
The Lady Who Actually Eats Lunch

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This - Special SkyMall Edition

It has been quite awhile since I've been inspired by a product so dumb that I am moved to actually get up off my ass and then sit back down again in my office chair and create a post about it, but here it is:

The "Head Spa Massager"

Brought to you by the brilliant minds at SkyMall:

What fool can resist Italian design when paired with Japanese engineering?

Please, pretty please wear it to work.

I understand that times are tough so if you crave ownership of this lovely gadget but cannot afford $49.99 + shipping give me a call and I will personally come to your home, hand you a glass of red wine, put a spaghetti strainer on your head and knock you around a little bit until your blood circulation improves and you feel more relaxed.

I'm here to help.

A Random Shit List

1. Foil yogurt lids that seem specifically designed to spooge all over your clean blouse, computer monitor or any nearby surface that you would prefer not appear to be splashed with a pale creamy substance. Is there a brand of yogurt that has a lid designed to avoid lid-spooge? Can we have that please?

2. Person who drove a big giant beat up old camper to work every day last week and took up four parking spaces. Not that it inconvenienced me in any real way, other than that there were three less spaces available for the rest of us, but the idea of it bugged the shit out of me on many levels. However, as I walked by it each day on my way into the building I began to imagine all of the ways it would be inconvenient, expensive and not just a little embarrassing to be reduced to driving a big giant beat up old camper as your every day vehicle and then I wondered if perhaps you haven't hit upon some pretty hard times and don't need the added burden of my silent scorn. Or maybe you are just a dick.

3. Mysterious otherness in the butter. Actually, anything other than butter in the butter whether it is mysterious or recognizable is wrong, wrong, wrong.

4. ATM machines that ask me to choose English or Spanish for my transaction.

Um.... English.

I don't recall using an ATM anywhere else in the world that asked me to choose a language. In France you get French, in Mexico you get Spanish and so on.

I forgot to press the button to get cash back with my very important purchase of a hay bale sized box of maxi pads, peanut butter ice cream, and a bag of Cheetos at the check out counter in CVS the other day so I decided to use the cash machine next to the front door on my way out. It's the kind of purchase that really helps to explain the current delicate condition of my psyche. Anyhoo.. the ATM asked me not only to choose English or Spanish, which as I explained I already find irritating, but after I chose English it then asked me IN ENGLISH - You have chosen English for this transaction - is that correct?

Uh yeah... I meant to choose English, but riddle me this - If I had accidentally chosen the wrong language how would I be able to read your dumbass follow up question?

Also wondering aloud if anyone out there happens to be a designer of ATM machines - why the fuck is there a braille option on the drive-up ATM?

That is all for now - thank you for listening.

UPDATE 2:58PM - Just to clarify: I do not hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish out of any militant anti-immigration leanings. Frankly I could care less. The more the merrier I always say. No. I hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish because it is a waste of my precious time.

Nobody Needs This - Special Video Edition

Speed Fit - are you fucking kidding me?

Stop It

Estee Lauder Introduces Worlds First Vibrating Wand Mascara

Sometimes there is a reason why nobody has ever come up with an idea for something before and the reason is that it is a very, very stupid idea.

Click to enlarge the stupidness.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This - Lucky #13 Edition

His & Hers Bingo Masks
I love making fun of old people just as much as the next jerk, but it's hard enough to breathe at bingo with all of the cigarette smoke without wearing a rubber mask. Besides you wouldn't be able to see properly through those eye holes to plop your marker on the right numbers. You'd just make a damn mess.

I also think the hats are a little redundant. Of course you love bingo. You wouldn't be there if you didn't. I'd like to see a hat that conveys a more honest message, like "I Smoke and I've Got a Gambling Problem" or "This Is the Only Time I Ever Leave the House and My Kids Never Visit" but I guess there isn't enough space.

Waistband Extenders
Also known as Buy Some New Pants, Fatass. It's better than muffin top, but only marginally.

At only $3.95 a pop I suppose it's more economical than buying new pants, but really, just go ahead and unbutton your pants. You know you want to. Keep an extra set in your pocketbook for Crab Leg Night at the Golden Trough.

Hairstyle Protector
Apparently Adriana Lima was busy so they had to hire an artist to draw it instead. It appears to be made entirely of spider webs.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #12 Special Only in America, Anger Fueled, Foul Language Whips & Dubs Edition

Bumper Nutz
Sometimes I really hate men. Sometimes I think a great majority of them are assholes.

But I always really hate being stuck behind this particular kind of asshole in traffic.

Asshole.

How long before someone invents Bumper Puss?

Diamond Rims for $22,000
Are you out of your goddamn mind with this ostentatious fucking bullshit?




Motherfucking Idiots On Crotch Rockets
Dear Shirtless and/or Helmetless Squids,

Please, by all means kill yourselves, but don't take me down with you. I know you think that you're all invincible and shit, but seriously, you're scaring the bejeezus out of all of us. You're giving me a stroke.

Assholes.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #11A Bonus Velvet Edition

Fuck it. This blog and this post in particular is X-Rated.

OK, I'm posting this.

I've been holding onto it for some time now and can't seem to let it go. It's a little more on the risque side than my normal "Nobody Needs This" post, so I've put the picture of the item down closer to the bottom in case you don't want to see it, you'll have time to click off of my blog. Here is a nice blog about knitting you can click on instead.

Today I release to you:

The Wonderous Vulva Puppet
This item sells for $600. That's American dollars. This price doesn't include $30 to ship inside the continental US. I'm at a complete loss for words. Well, not really.

The website where I found this thing describes it as a tool for educators, healers and lovers. I totally get the educators and healers part. That makes sense. But if it's a tool for educators and healers why does it have to be velvet and cost 600 bucks? If it's a tool for lovers - get the fuck away from me.

Seriously, if you require a velvet vulva puppet to explain to your man all the things he's doing wrong you've probably got more problems outside of the boudoir and should break up with this dude.

Or worse yet can you imagine your mother coming after you with this thing to teach you about the birds and the bees?


This is kinda gross, right?

Or am I just bad at womanhood. No don't want to use the word hood...

Anyhoo...

Now, all that being said they are kinda pretty and I can't help but like this product and the fact that someone goes out and buys fabric and sews them together.

Wait. No. That didn't come out right.
Buys fabric and stitches...

Nope. That doesn't work either.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #11 Special Fashion Edition

Muffin Top

Don't you like yourself? Don't you like the rest of us? Aren't you terribly uncomfortable? Don't you have a full length mirror? Doesn't anyone among your family and friends love you enough to tell you you look as if your jeans are cutting off all circulation to your liver and kidneys? This seems dangerous to me.

Not that I don't have some pants in my wardrobe that are a bit tight in the waist. I choose, however, to wear shirts that are long enough to cover up my big fat gut rather than short shirts that highlight my big fat gut.

I'm a people person.

Baggy Muscle Pants and Whatever You Call This Top
We get it dude, you're all muscle-y and shit. We get it. You work out 6 hours a day and eat raw eggs and hormones and have shelves full of giant containers of powdered protein on display for all to see in the finished basement bedroom of your mom's house. We get it, you enjoy showing us your giant arms and pink, taut nipples.

We get it.

You're a manly mass of buffness.

You're creeping everyone out.

By the way, when you dress like this everyone around you assumes you are a stupid meat head. I'm not saying body building is wrong or that you are a stupid meat head. I'm just saying keep it to yourself meat head and save this outfit for the gym.

Cover up.

Nobody wants to see your nips.

Teeshirts & Sweatshirts with Airbrushed Animals and/or Gothic/Sci-Fi Scenes

It's OK to have a passion for unicorns, kittens, wolves, eagles, tigers, scantily clad women wearing fur bikinis and carrying swords.

Whatever it is you're into it's totally fine.

But if you wear these types of shirts and wonder why you can't get laid it's because you are wearing these types of shirts and all the people you may like to have sex with think you are an enormous douche.

Fashion Disclaimer:
The views and opinions expressed in this post reflect the views and opinions of one middle aged, overweight, bitter and shoddily clad lady, currently writing this post in black sweatpants with a green stripe down the side and a safety orange, long sleeved LL Bean t-shirt that she has been wearing for 2 days straight.* The fashion views and opinions expressed in the blog are completely without merit as the middle aged, overweight slobbo writing it does not as yet, have her own column in Vogue or W Magazine and is not likely to ever have such any time soon or ever. The lady writing this blog does not claim to be an expert on fashion by any stretch of the imagination. Not at all. She merely states (in her personal opinion) the obvious for the purposes of humor and can only hope that those of you out there who may be reading the blog share her often condescending and imperialist viewpoint and sense of humor. If you hold a differing view to the ridiculous pieces of shit clothing choices above please feel free to offer up your opposing view in the comments.

*Please note the slovenly lady in question would never leave the house in the outfit described due to the magnetic attraction between her full length mirror and the giant stick up her ass.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #10 - Things Found In My Own Home Edition Redux

Auto Pet Feeder


On the surface it seems practical doesn't it?

"I'm going away for a couple of days and I don't want my pet to overeat."

You can control the amout that they eat and the interval in which the lid spins.

Handy!

Why not?

Here's why - because batteries DIE.

Yes. We once went away for 4 days and starved our poor cat because the battery in this useless piece of crap died after one day. I haven't found one that plugs into the wall and that's because I'm not looking. We now include the price of boarding into our vacation budgets.

A Big Giant Box Of Tangled Cords & Wires

I'm not allowed to throw this away or put it in the Goodwill pile. MDH swears that this box has saved our lives and careers. I don't believe him.

And while I'm at it - why the hell do we have the orange faux leather suitcase? I didn't eve see that piece of shit until I posted this.

A Cabinet Full of Half Used Beauty Products

MDH is not allowed to throw this away.

I think it's obvious that I have a problem. I blame the media, glossy fashion magazines and the advertising industry for preying on weak minds like mine.

I just want to be pretty.

I just want to smell nice.

I just want to be loved.

It was all on sale!

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #9

Wacky Elaborate Facial Hair
I realize that this man has worked very hard growing and maintaining his fantastical, over the top, beardy creation. But why? It looks like spider webs, molded into the shape of one big giant spider, are attacking his face.

I'm not a huge fan of beards anyway because to me it's just one more thing for food to get caught in. Sometimes I get a little skeeved out if I happen to see a man eating who just has regular non-giant-spidery kind of beard.*

When I look at the photo at the top I don't so much admire the artistry of the man's award winning facial coif, but think to myself, "Gross. That must smell terrible and how on earth would you eat an ice cream cone?"

Speaking of gross...

Fart! The Game
My friends and I usually play Taboo or Cranium when we get together for games. Playing cards is not outside the realm of possibilities either, I mean I'm from Ohio where nearly everyone plays Euchre. This farting game however, is indeed outside of the realm of possibilities at any party given or attended by me. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why we limit our entertainment choices in this way. When your host pulls this game out of the hall closet it's time to grab your Tupperware and say your good-byes. You don't have to go home but you can't stay there.

If any of you reading this are clicking off of my blog to Google this product with the intention of buying it, we can still be friends, but please take me off of your Christmas gift list immediately. Have you people learned nothing from the title of this weekly post?

And since things have regressed to this level...

The Butt Bank
As if it isn't offensive enough already - it makes noises too. Loud and gross noises evidently.

I do not recommend Googling "Butt Bank".

*I'm not saying I hate all beards (or the men too lazy to shave them). But I do intensely dislike sloppy beards where the moustache hairs hang down over or too close to the mouth, especially when food is being shoveled into said mouth and gravy/grease/ice cream/pudding/whatever is getting sucked up into or floating of the surface of the sloppy beard. Then the dude licks it. Aw it's just terrible.

It always seems to be that one red-faced old drunk guy too with the sad tiny gray pony tail, the sunburned freckled pate, and the t-shirt that says "Free Moustache Rides". Dude, who are you kidding? Go sober up and shampoo your face.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #8

Since my darling has been working from home a lot this week and thereby hogging our home office and denying me the non-stop, all ages, open bar, all hours access to my computer that I normally enjoy, I have decided to post my Wednesday feature a little early. Otherwise I may not have a chance to post it at all. As he is currently wearing the pants and paying all the bills, I have to get in here while I can.

Now, onward with gross, out of control consumerism:


Protective Bug Top & Pants
Where the fuck do you live? And what are you doing outside if you think you need this outfit? Obviously the world has come to it's end and the mosquitoes have finally taken over because of all the standing water in your damn dirty birdbath and your neighbor who never emptied the baby pool all summer. You should really just stay inside.






Flowbee Haircutting System
I already have a "system" for cutting my hair and it's called:

"Make An Appointment At the Salon & Have A Professional Do It Because I Give A Shit About How I Look"

I was surprised to see this product is still in existence because it can only mean that people are still buying it. The photograph and model are really doing nothing to make the Flowbee more appealing to anyone. She looks as if it's taking every ounce of energy she has left in her body to grimace. It's a similar expression to the one I have made when I accidentally rolled my hair up in the car window.

BTW: The settings on the Flowbee apparently include Short, Medium, & Krusty the Clown.





Military Car Floor Mats
I don't like to get into politics, but in light of all the rah-rah support the troops hootenanny going on for the last several years and the war in Iraq I find this item infuriating.
Yes. By all means wipe your muddy, sludgy feet on a symbol of our brave men and women risking their lives for "freedom" overseas. Fuck it. I'm going out right this second and burning a flag.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #7 Special Vanity Edition

7 & 1/4 Inch Acrylic Stilettos
By Easy Spirit (not really). I forgot to jot down the price of these, but I think it's obviously nothing compared to the emergency room bill from when you get your broken ankle set and wrapped in a cast. I should also mention the permanent limp.

Yes. Crutches are sexy (not really).

Walking in these shoes on gravel would be interesting to watch though, like a hyper-female episode of Jackass.


Bling H2O Bottled Water
If you can unglue your eyes from the perfect airbrushed ass for a moment I'll tell you that this bullshit beverage is bottled in Tennessee and costs $40 a bottle. I've already become convinced that our country's obsession with bottled water is total bullshit anyway, but $40?? If someone handed me a free bottle I would walk past them, get down on my hands and knees and drink from the lawn sprinkler. Well, maybe not if my hair looked really good and the ground was muddy. Damn, my hair always looks good and the ground probably would be muddy if the sprinkler is running - let's just pretend I would do all that sanctimonious high minded stuff.

$40 bottled water no matter how nice the ass it's resting upon is craziness.
Extra Long Acrylic Nails With Wacky Designs

I have often seen these kinds of nails tick tick ticking on cash register keys all over the US (and yet never in France). I've also seen them featured at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and once on a female cop directing traffic. I used to work with a woman who would pay exorbitant amounts of money for this service and then ask to borrow bus fare. Some folks see it as body art. I see it as an impending staph infection. When I see nails like this I can't stop thinking about the amount of scrunge that gets under my own short, clean, tidy boyish nails on a daily basis and wonder what germy hellfuck is lurking under the nails of Fu Man Chu here. You know very good and well that you could not wipe your ass properly with talons like these.

Up With Thumbs

I will be stepping away from my blog for the next several days to go on a big swanky 5th wedding anniversary trip to Las Vegas.

As we recently seem to have turned into gambling addicts the trip is all comped. For you casino gambling virgins out there comped stands for complimentary, meaning we (my darling) have (has) blown so much money on video poker at Harrah's properties that most of our expenses are on the house.


We will be whisked to our free Augustus Tower junior suite via free limo from the airport. We will dine for free and spa for free. They offered to entertain us for free with tickets to see Tony Danza starring in The Producers, but we declined as we both believe Tony Danza to be an unwatchable buffoon.


Meanwhile in a lame effort to keep you entertained in my absence I found this fun little thing on someone else's blog and now I don't remember who or where as I have lost the link. Sorry! Whoever you were, but thanks for the idea!

Turns out I'm a Thumb

You Are the Thumb

You're unique and flexible. And you defy any category. Mentally strong and agile, you do things your own way. And you do them well. You are a natural leader... but also truly a loner. You inspire many but connect with few. You get along well with: The Middle Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

I took the liberty of answering the questions for MDH too because he thinks such things are bullshit and would never waste his time taking an idiotic bullshit finger quiz.

Turns out if I were MDH he'd be an Index Finger.

You Are the Index Finger

You are ambitious, driven, and capable. You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it. You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it. You get along well with: The Thumb Stay away from: The Ring Finger

Except Donkeys

My friend Rachel reminded me of something from my own childhood. So this is for you Rachel - a picture of me, Lady riding a concrete donkey exhibiting the squinty expression that has kept the anti-aging face cream industry on it's toes.

I am the Clint Eastwood of 6 year olds in this photo and have no idea where it was taken. My parents claim not to remember, so I'm guessing they are somewhere off to the side chugging margaritas.

PS - who am I, Shirley Temple? Could that dress be any shorter?

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #6 - Bonus! Lawn Decor Edition

Lawn ornaments are beyond me. I've never understood the need for them, but enough folks out there have them that not all of them could possibly be out of their minds. Or could they? I'm originally from a small, lower middle class suburb of Columbus, Ohio called Whitehall which may arguably be where all lawn ornaments go to die. My best friends sister says the same could be said Lancaster, Ohio. It's a close call.

Here are some of my favorites:

Gazing Ball
Does anyone ever gaze into them? Really?
My neighbor Patty has one of these and I've never seen her go anywhere near it except to pull weeds. And even then she doesn't gaze into it. If she wanted to she'd have to wipe off all the bird shit first. Patty also has a bathtub saint, but those didn't make my list because I don't like to knock the various ways people get their spiritual rocks off.



Kissing Dutch Children
Why? Are you Dutch? Plant some damn tulips.








Painted Concrete Deer
Do people think these look real? Most of the ones I've seen are in terrible condition with chipped and faded paint. At the end of the day isn't it just more shit to maneuver the mower around? Oh, in case you were wondering how much money people are willing to plunk down to scare away any real wildlife that might wander into their yard - anywhere from $150 to $600.

But WAIT!!
There's MORE!

Normally I only do three things, but lawn ornaments are special and I thought deserved some extra attention.

Shadow People
The purpose of these items is to scare the shit out of me when I'm driving at night. This is best accomplished by placing them close to the road. Usually it's a guy smoking a pipe or sometimes a cowboy leaning against a tree, although I once saw one leaning against a car on concrete blocks. We don't want to leave out the ladies so occasionally you'll see a shadow woman running with a rolling pin. These are rare and more frightening since they appear to be in motion.

Yard Butt
She can be found bending over flower beds dressed in polka-dotted bloomers. An exhibitionist in a short dress. Neighbor, what message are you trying to send me? I think I get it - you need us to come over and make sure you took all your meds. I'll be right there.



Painted Concrete (Or Plastic) Geese
Concrete (or plastic) geese are typically given a place of honor on or near the front porch. If the goose is really lucky the porch is also covered with astro-turf, but that's a story for another day. There is an entire niche industry that caters to the wardrobe whims of artificial geese. I googled "Goose Clothes" to find some pictures and over 2 million results popped up. The well dressed goose has multiple outfits, generally to match the season, but sometimes the goose appears to have a profession.

Construction Worker









Nun Goose









Harem Dancer Goose

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #5 Special! Early Tuesday Edition

The Electric Flameless Candle
Where I come from we would call this a lamp. Some other names I've come up with for this item:

The Incarcerated Arsonists Candle

• The "Money To Blow" Complete Waste of $18.50 Candle (yes, it costs $18.50 plus shipping)

The I Love Candles But Don't Have Enough Breath Left In My Body To Blow Them Out Candle

The Napper - I'm Not Allowed To Have A Tea Kettle Anymore Either Candle

Feel free to leave your own name for this plastic treasure. I love your input.

Silicone Concealers
As a person with breasts I have to admit there have been times (cold times) when I too have been a little self conscious. Not so much about the fact that my nipples were rock-hard (that's just nature doing it's thing), but more that they were cock-eyed and pointing crazily in completely different directions. Still however, it didn't occur to me that this is such a problem as to actually buy a special device to fix it. Spending $10.98 of my husbands hard earned money on silly-putty nipple cozies seems a bit extreme. If you're that stessed out about high-beams I guess these are cheaper than moving to Miami.

PS (and wink, wink) - A proper fitting, slightly padded bra also does the trick ladies.

Gift Card Maze
The description in the catalog says, "Gift Card Maze turns a gift into an incredible challenge! Once you insert a gift card into the box, your recipient will have to figure out the maze in order to get it out". Well that's just mean. If you're going to make me work so hard why didn't you just get me a part-time job for a present? You and your gift card can fuck right off.