Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dear Fashion, Nobody Needs This

Dear MaxMara,
I'm writing to let you know, just in case you drank too many Papaya-tinis or swallowed too much Extasy at the photo shoot and weren't aware, that the model in your advertisement is wearing her leotard underpinning backwards. Also I feel it's important you understand that high waisted, tight fitting pants in a large cammo-floral-ish pattern look hideous on, oh I don't know, just about everyone. The other components of this outfit seem all right, except for maybe the leather bolo thing. Fuck it. Other than the sweater it all sucks donkey balls and if all you've got to offer us is a brown cardigan you should probably know that we can get one of those at Kohl's.
Women Everywhere

Dear Topshop,
Finally! Now I know exactly where to go to buy the over sized faded t-shirts and cut off Daisy Duke jean shorts that pooch out in the crotch and make me look like I have a big giant cock. I mean where else on earth could I find that? I mean besides Goodwill... Anyhoo... now I know exactly what to wear when I give $5 blow jobs on the subway platform. Please, please tell me that they are also hand sewn and caked with the dried blood of Sri-Lankan pre-schoolers. I just love cheap hooker clothes that are made with child labor.
Crackwhorishly Yours,

Dear Calvin Klein,
Send help quickly! The model in your ad has fallen into some kind of nightmarish tree nest and her arms are too skinny for her to pull herself out on her own power. Please help her, she's trapped! Send her a cigarette and a turkey sandwich, stat. Hurry! She's starting to look really depressed.
Kindest Regards,
The Lady Who Actually Eats Lunch


WendyB said...

Thanks for this -- it's very helpful to know where to find the right blowjob outfit. Now all I need is business cards and I'm good to go.

SkylersDad said...

I suppose for the 3rd model if all you consume for calories is crack, you will be pretty weak.

Jenna said...

Sometimes you just have to wonder what they're thinking.

LegalMist said...

Love your take on fashion! If these are fashion "do's" then by all means let me be a great example of what not to wear!!!

Linka72 said...

Seeing COCK on my screen while at work just threw me into a giggling fit so inappropriate, I had to go to the ladies room and howl some more..yes, I'm 11 years old again thanks to you..HA!

Churlita said...

Awesome commentary. I just want to get UNICEF to come to fashion week and feed the starving model masses.

Anonymous said...

Those Plaid Stallions are looking so very Jim Jones-ish.