Monday, February 22, 2010

Just So There's No Further Confusion

If I am married to you and you hear me holler to you from another room, "Honey, will you come help me?", you can go ahead and assume there is a silent "now"* at the end of that sentence. In bold with an underline. In fact for future reference if you don't hear the phrase "when you get a chance" in front of that sentence please imagine the worst.

In other words, put down the bong and pause the the History Channel special on Hitler's Secret Pants that you have already seen eleventy billion times (it's why we have a DVR, pause is a great feature). Get your ass off the sofa and come help me this very instant.

Assume that I am bleeding to death or that the cat is on fire and get your ass over here. Pronto.

I know you heard me. So don't try to pretend like you didn't.

Anyhoo... I can only hope that you are not disappointed when you arrive to find that I am not actually bleeding to death or that the cat's not on fire and will do me a solid by helping me with whatever thing it is I needed helping with and not ask me too many questions. I will say thank you, probably give you a little kiss if you don't give me any sass and I am way more likely to reward you in another more delightful manner, at some future time to be determined at my discretion, if you were to ask me if I perhaps needed your help with anything else before you take off back to the den. I promise, at some future time to be determined at my discretion, there will be extra credit for a good attitude and can-do spirit.

If you have failed to respond quickly enough to the hollered sentence "Honey will you come help me?" and it is followed 30 to 45 seconds later by a much louder HONEY?? in the all caps oral equivalent of shouting, then you may assume to exchange the word HONEY?? with HEY ASSHOLE!

For further clarification if I ask you do to something prefaced with the phrase "When you have the chance" you may translate that to "Sometime within the next 30 minutes" and "Sometime this week" means "Tomorrow".

*I cannot explain, but for whatever reason avoiding use of the word "now" makes me feel like less of a harpie. I'm not saying it's rational.


WendyB said...


SkylersDad said...

In the future, please use the flaming cat to cauterize the arterial bleeding, because Hitlers Pants is best seen start to finish. Uninterrupted.

Churlita said...

Soooo, I'm taking it your hubby hasn't received and special rewards lately then.

Gwen said...

You'd think that by now he'd have a good grasp on the "exceptional acts of passive aggression" for which you are so well known. Sheesh.

(Hitler's Secret Pants killed me.)

Claire said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!
I could have written this.

Anonymous said...

By now, I think my husband knows that if I'm asking him for help, it pretty much is an emergency, since his brand of help comes with built in air quotes.

Linka72 said...

Take comfort in the fact that you are not married to my jackass husband who:
1. Likes to torture me when I'm on the pot and out of toilet paper by placing it JUST out of my reach
2. Laughs when he does that
3. Feels that if I got the groceries INTO the car with no help - why can't I "just get them into the house" with no help?...well assface, because the car wasn't located at the top of TWO flights of stairs!!! blow jobs for him either

Renaissance Woman said...

I am not sure if you were clear enough about how quickly he should respond to your cries for help. Might have to be a little more specific. ;)

Unknown said...

HAH! The last time I used that phrase was a few weeks ago when I tried to snag a purse off the closet shelf above my head-- sending the complete shelf system crashing down on me. After he dug me out of the wreckage, he had about 3 hours of "work" to reinstall his whole side of the closet. Oops.

Anonymous said...

I'm printing out this post and putting it on my refrigerator. Of course, he won't get how this relates to him.