Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mr. Boo

Anywhere from 4 to 6 times throughout the day at my office you can hear the sound of a man screaming.

It's not a long, terrified type of scream, but more of a short burst of surprise. It almost sounds like Homer Simpson when he says "Doh!", except it's more like "Ahck!". It's alarming the first few times you hear it, but on my first day of work when I heard the scream and nobody else seemed to notice it, I assumed that someone in the office had Tourettes or something.

After I had been there about a week or so I finally asked one of my co-workers just what in the hell that noise was all about and it turns out there is a man who works several cubicles down from us that enjoys scaring people, and is also quite easily startled himself.

We'll call him Mr. Boo.

The screaming that I hear several times a day is a grown man with a wife and several children going around startling innocent people who are hard at work. Occasionally his screaming is the result of someone coming up and scaring him back.

Do I have to tell you how disgusted I was to hear this news?

How inappropriate.

I don't know this man very well so I think it is unlikely that I will ever be his victim. Besides having catlike reflexes my computer faces the opening of my cubicle so it's kind of difficult to sneak up on me. Although mentally I've begun to prepare. I will scream bloody murder and fake a heart attack. I might even "accidentally" punch him in the throat as I'm falling down on the ground. Maybe I will pee my pants to make it look really authentic.

Obviously I've been thinking about this, but it didn't really upset me or make me totally angry until a couple of days ago when out of the blue he came up and startled my dearest cube mate Hey Mr. DJ. Hey Mr. DJ is a lovely old man with some health problems, not the least of which his "bad ticker".

It startled me too as I'm not used to hearing the "Ahck!" so close to my own work area and then I heard Hey Mr. DJ react with a sharp intake of breath. I started to run over to see if he was OK, but before I got there heard him say to Mr. Boo, in a flat fake chuckle, "You got me". What I heard in that flat fake chuckle, "You suck".

Mr. Boo has worked there FOREVER and has apparently been going around startling people the whole time. Why has nobody stopped him? Why does everybody go around acting like it's funny?

I very nearly confronted him after he frightened Hey Mr DJ, but remembered that I am a Temp and that I have been fired for speaking out about less maddening practices at other jobs and that I really like and need this one.


Dan said...

Sounds like something Assface would do.

Tara said...

That guy sounds really annoying. Like those people who come up from behind and cover your eyes and play the "guess who?" game. I had a coworker who liked to sneak up on me, and because I would be concentrating on this or that, and she was moving across carpet, I would always be startled and she would crack up with laughter. What she didn't count on was that I learned to look for her reflection in the window and would freak her out right back.

Quiet one said...

I'd kill him. Or move things around on his desk when he wasn't there.

Family Adventure said...

What an idiot.


BeckEye said...

Why does every office have that one annoying jackass?

There is a guy in my office who is not THE annoying guy, but he laughs just like Jim Backus. It's like I'm working while there's a Mr. Magoo cartoon running in the background. Then, of course, another guy has to imitate him all the time so now there are two Magoos.

Brianne Hudgins Photography said...

I like Michelle's idea! Just mess with his desk until he thinks he's loosing his mind!

If nothing else it will make you chuckle every time you hear his "Ack!" when he sees his desk ;)

But seriously - human resources should have done something about this by now ... that's just stupid!

- said...

lunchlady, you should kick the shit out of him. that is all.

Anonymous said...

Go for the punch in the neck.

Gwen said...

Job security aside, Lady, you really do need to get this guy. Nobody messes with our Hey Mr. DJ.

paperback reader said...

Wow. The worst part is that he doesn't have any other responsibilities.

Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

That has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever read. If I were younger, I'd swear you were making it up. But, unfortunately, I've been around the workplace long enough to appreciate the insanity.

rcubed said...

We're way too polite in this culture. I fake laughed the first few times my asshat coworker tried to be funny and failed. Now I just sigh in his general direction and ask if his wife drinks a lot.

Chris the Hippie said...

For years we had a rubber cockroach that floated around the office... You'd find it under the handset of your phone one day, floating in your coffee the next. I threw it away three times but someone kept digging it out of the garbage as if it were a favored pair of boxers or something. Eventually I cut it in pieces. It wasn't funny the first time, it's sure not funny the fifteenth.

Anonymous said...

Keep a scalding cup of hot coffee nearby and when he scares you, throw it in his face. Or just knee him in the nuts really hard and tell him you were once physically attacked and it's now your knee-jerk (no pun intended) reaction. That may bring his shenanigans to a halt.

Anonymous said...

I don't have that at my new job...I do have a lady who sounds like and sort of looks like Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld. I also have the frog-mouthed man who is the only guy you can hear some days.

As far as Mr Boo...the punch in the throat would quash that little activity in a hurry. Go for it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Dan - You mean like how he always thought it was so funny to shake his keys in my cats face. What an assface.

Tara - Oh I HATE the "guess who" game! I don't like to be touched when I'm not expecting it and especially anywhere near my face or eyes where my make up might get mussed.

What kind of weirdo wants to go around touching peoples faces anyway.

One day she'll accidentally poke someone's eye out.

Michelle - He hasn't done anything to me yet, and I don't feel it's fair to launch a preemptive strike. I have noticed though that he has lots of signs all over his desk asking that people not touch things. Hmm.

Heidi - well said Heidi, short 'n sweet. I hope you meant Mr. Boo and not me.

Beckeye - It's a big office so we have our share of honking nose blowers and weird laughers but we don't have a Mr. Magoo.

Slice - Hey! Welcome to my blog! I think that so far he has been damn lucky that nobody has been hurt or complained about it. But that's 'cause I didn't work there before. The minute he gets me, he's toast.

Player - I'm totally planning to, but not until he has done something to me directly. I kinda warned him that he's likely to get decked and he has avoided me - so maybe he won't try it.

Suze - I've always wanted to try that out.

Gwen - I almost did, but then I realized that it may have embarassed Hey Mr. DJ. He is a MAN after all and I wouldn't want to hurt his pride.

Pistols - it would seem not.

BSUWG - Man, I can't make this shit up.

R-cubed - totally! It's like you'd be a big anus if you got mad about it. I'm already a big anus, so won't be shy about calling Mr. Boo out.

Chris - Good for you! When someone has pulled something out of the trash and put it in my coffee that's the outer limit of my tolerance. Don't fuck with my coffee.

Frenchie - I have considered this, but coffee doesn't stay around long in my cube. I tend to think more on the lines of him hurting me (or me faking that he did) so that I have more elbow room for assault charges and litigation.

Evil - I'm enjoying getting to know everyones charming little quirks, except for this loser.

SkylersDad said...

Slap him into next week if he does it to you!

WendyB said...

How has no one ever given this guy what-for over his totally inappropriate behavior. Jeez! People are so terrified to confront even the simplest problems. If he bothers you, stab him. Tell them I said it was okay.

Unknown said...

hahahaha. what a dink. I should send you my supply of shock pens, radios, soda cans and cameras. let's see Mr. Boo now.

Linka72 said...

Frenchie just made me pee my pants a little.
You should leave an open can of tuna waaaaay back in his desk drawer..yep, that should do it.