Dan's Corner

Dan G, who is one of my oldest and best friends, and his wife Steph, who is also one of my best friends, are coming to visit us for Thanksgiving. We don't get many house guests up here in the middle of Cold Nowhere so I'm nearly peeing in my pants with excitement. I say nearly because I wouldn't really do that unless you tickled me really hard and I already had to go. Besides I've got enough messes to clean up around here so get off me.

Anyhoo...

Dan, in addition to being one of my oldest and best friends is also one of the funniest people I have ever met and because we have known each other for so long his sense of humor has been a big part of what has formed my own sense of humor.

In short - we think the same shit is funny.

So here are a couple of things he's sent me recently that I hope you will enjoy as much as we have.

First of all he sent me this link and then Steph sent it to me again, probably not realizing that Dan had already sent it to me:
http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

He sent me this YouTube video a long time ago and I'm just now getting around to posting it.

Little Indian Guy Dancing:

It's a Circle That Turns Round Upon Itself

I've been tagged by Chris at Radloff's Random Thoughts. I like memes and any opportunity to talk about myself at length. That's why I blog the way I do. I can go on and on about myself without having to hear my voice. It still surprises me that people come here and read my stuff. But I like it.

This meme is all about the number 8 which also happens to be my favorite number.

8 Passions in Life:

1. My husband
2. My friends
3. Cooking
4. Reading
5. Music
6. Movies
7. Traveling
8. Laughing

Do you think I'm a bad person because my family didn't make this list? I love them, but they are not a passion. Maybe someday I'll blog about why.

8 Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die

1. Not die - I don't typically plan so far ahead. I usually have smaller short-term goals.
2. Finally buy a couch and decorate our home for real. We live like sloppy college students. I dream of a home that is decorated and arranged and remodeled and beautiful in every way. I want a place that I'm not half ashamed for people to come and visit. Our house isn't horrible or anything, it's just not the cool, cozy shack I want it to be.
3. Learn to speak another language like Italian or Portuguese or maybe finally master French. I know enough French to understand some subtitles and not order organs in a restaurant.*
4. Live some place long enough to become a foster parent or possibly adopt an older child.
5. I want to rent an apartment in Venice and immerse myself in that city.
6. Bake a decent pie - I'm terrible with pastry and pie crusts.
7. Learn to drive a stick shift. It's an embarrassment.
8. See Machu Picchu.

8 Things I Say All the Time:

1. Fuck you motherfuckah! (this is said in any and all circumstances)
2. Hiiii Button! (to the cat)
3. How's mammas Button? (also to the cat)
4. Who's a good boy? (to the cat)
5. Who's the kitty that loves his mamma? (yeah)
6. Here is exactly what I want (to my husband)
7. That's 10 minutes left in football time, but how long is that in real time? (also to my husband)
8. OK. Hug me! (to anyone I love that I'm greeting or saying goodbye to)

8 Books I've Read Recently:

This ones easy because I never put anything away and they are all still stacked up next to the bed:

1. I'm currently reading The Intuitionist by Colson Whitehead
2. The Turn of the Screw & The Aspern Papers by Henry James (compiled into one tidy little paperback by Penguin Classics)
3. You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers
4. First Among Sequels by Jasper Fford (I love the Thursday Next series)
5. A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore
6. Gentlemen and Players by Joanne Harris
7. What Is the What by Dave Eggers
8. The Golden Globe by John Varley (I re-read it for like the 3rd time)

8 Songs That Mean Something To Me

1. To this day I cannot hear the theme to Merry Christmas Charlie Brown without busting out into tears. Seriously I don't watch that Christmas special when it comes on TV and make MDH watch it without me. My sister loved it and it makes me miss her too much, even after over 20 years. She played it every day through all seasons, it was kind of like her theme song.
2. Tore Up by Sleepy LaBeef because the night that MDH passionately declared his love for me was in the parking lot at a Sleepy LaBeef show and that's the one song I remember specifically that Sleepy played. You can catch Sleepy at the Hey Hey in Columbus perty frequent-like.
3. Weather With You by Crowded House because I sang it to MDH on our first date. I knew all the words and it was raining.
4. The entire Cocteau Twins album (remember those?) Treasure. It's great headphone music.
5. Hey Luciani! by The Fall - for the perky punk. I always associate this song with having a good time.
6. Caramel by Suzanne Vega for reasons I care not to explain.
7. What She Said by the Smiths because singing that song out loud is how I met Amy
8. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division - because I remember swirling around in my gauzy black clothes to this song many times on the dance floor at Crazy Mama's.

8 Qualities I Look for In a Friend

1. Funny
2. Trustworthiness - won't spill secrets to MDH
3. Smart
4. Reads
5. Doesn't mind being made fun of
6. Likes to talk on the phone
7. Has an eye for the ridiculous
8. Thinks I'm funny

8 People to Tag

1. Any
2. body
3. who
4. feels
5. like
6. doing
7. it
8. too

Congratulations you've made it to the end of this meme!

Here is your reward:

* When I started writing this I had included shopping as one of the things I can do in French, but took it out because I remembered the last time we were in France and I went into a linens store to shop for some nice french linen table napkins and I'm pretty sure I asked for maxi pads. I guess you have to be careful how you refer to the gender of some items.

Oh yeah, and the time I tried to buy a t-shirt and kept asking for a chicken. Poulet - Pullover

Me & The Guys Part 2

Perky Man Goes On His Dream Vacation

Perky Man was our #1 sales dude at the subcontractor where I worked as the Office Manager from 1995 to late 1999. He was a great guy to work with because he rarely complained about anything, was always really upbeat and positive and I knew that I could rely on him to be places on time and that he would behave like a gentleman and not act like a total asshat when he was in a customer's home.

He was an attractive man, but he was a little too cute for my tastes.

He had a baby face and his features were just too precious and I could tell that he was going to look like William H. Macy as he aged. Lots of other women found him attractive though and were constantly calling looking for him or leaving messages with me at the office. Perky Man was a rather suave ladies man, and that's another reason I found him unattractive. I liked him a lot, just the same and considered him a friend.

It was nearly impossible not to like him.

I met his mother once when she was in town visiting and stopped into the office to meet Perky Man for lunch and I nearly choked because she looked exactly like him. I fussed over him and told her what a nice son she had raised. Later I told my boss, Laughing Boy, about it.

Laughing Boy: Oh, I'm sorry I missed Perky Man's mother, what was she like?

Me: Imagine Perky Man wearing knit separates from Talbot's and a curly frosted wig.

Perky Man was one of the most contented people I have ever known. He wasn't particularly ambitious and seemed perfectly cozy so long as he had enough money to cover his living expenses and had enough left over to buy pot and go to concerts. The man loved pot.

Perky Man was really cheap. He kept a pair of scissors in his car and would pull over to the side of the road and cut wildflowers to give to his girlfriends. They, of course thought this was wildly romantic. I, on the other hand was familiar with his patterns and knew that he kept scissors in his car because he did this all the time for every girl he dated and would be breaking up with them by leaving a message on their answering machines 2 weeks later.

Another fun example of his cheapness was that he refused to buy a new cell phone and walked around carrying one of these giant nightmares.

Perky Man usually went on vacation every year with our other sales dude, Personality Disorder, and many of their other hippie lettuce buddies to the Outer Banks, where they'd rent a house and lay around like a bunch of dopey slobs. Somehow Perky Man always managed to get laid on vacation, and Personality Disorder was terribly jealous of Perky's prowess with the ladies.

My boss, Laughing Boy, marshmallow that he was, allowed both of our sales dudes to go on vacation at the same time. It infuriated me because I was the one who did all the scheduling, but since Laughing Boy was the one who had to pick up the slack and do all of the sales calls while they were gone I didn't fuss about it too much.

One year Perky Man went on vacation to Jamaica. It was his ganja dream come true. Personality Disorder couldn't afford to go so Perky Man went with a different pothead friend. I was really happy for him because he'd been excited and talking about it for a long time.

When he came back he had an entire photo album of pictures of pot in various stages of growth and himself in various states of consciousness. There were many pictures of him holding giant (like 3 feet long) dried weed clusters in much the same way a fisherman has his picture taken holding up his big trophy catch.

Proud and confident, only instead of a fish he was holding giant dried stalks of cannabis and wearing a hooded, red-eyed, bleary smirk.

He lovingly reminisced over the pictures in the album with everyone at the office in much the same way that anyone would who has returned from their dream vacation (back in the days before everyone had a digital camera the photos were tangible kids!) as if the pictures were of things other than pot and of him by himself, smirking and stoned.

Did I mention that Perky Man was one of our best and most reliable employees?

Well, yes he was.

The next time you have work done in your home take a good long look at the sales rep who comes out to take measurements and the workmen who eventually come out to complete the job.

Take a good long look at them.

Don't ever leave these people in your home unattended and don't ever ask them any personal questions.

Unless you're looking to score a dime bag, then you're golden.

Me & The Guys Part 1

Junebug & The Most Ridiculous Phone Message I Have Ever Taken

At first I refused to take it.

The foremost part of my job at this place was to answer the phones and a great deal of that involved taking messages. Most of the messages were for my boss, Laughing Boy, the manager of the sub-contractor where I worked as the Office Manager from 1995 to late 1999. But some of the messages were for the men in the work crews. During this time hardly anyone had a cell phone, but most of our crew leaders had pagers.

Over time I had developed pretty good relationships with most of the guys wives and girlfriends. They would call during the work day and leave messages with me for the guys, knowing that I would see them when they called in or stopped back into the shop between jobs.

The wives and girlfriends also knew that I was the one who made the schedule and that I knew exactly where the men were (or were supposed to be) at any given point during the day.

I had a strict policy about this.

I did not give out exact locations.

After the person who called was confirmed by the crewman to indeed be a legit wife or girlfriend and he also confirmed that it was OK for this woman to know his business if she asked, I would reveal only what area the man was working in and when I expected them to be finished for the day. After that I would take whatever message they had. If it was an emergency I would page the crew leader.

I never lied or covered up for them.

If I knew I wouldn't be able to contact them I would tape their phone messages to the mailboxes I set up for them by the back door where they parked their trucks for the night before going home.

The Most Ridiculous Phone Message I Have Ever Taken was for a gentleman named Junebug.

I don't know why Junebug was allowed to continue his employment with the company and my best guess is the sum of 2 reasons.

1) Laughing Boy was a marshmallow

2) We were desperate for workmen and couldn't afford to pay very much so everyone with a strong back and a pulse was given a shot. Laughing Boy was over the moon if you had your own tools.

Laughing Boy shared with me this tid-bit from Junebug's interview:

Laughing Boy: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Junebug: Well I'm hopin' to be off the sauce and get my drivin' license back.

Laughing Boy: Are you drunk right now?

Junebug: No sir. But I smoked a little weed in the car on my way here to take the edge off, 'cause I was feelin' kind of nervous.

I reminded Laughing Boy that we would have to send Junebug to work in people's homes and that people would see (and smell) him wearing clothing with our company logo on them. But Laughing Boy felt sorry for him and admired his honesty and hired him anyway, but with very low expectations.

Junebug didn't disappoint us.

On his first day of work Junebug showed up on time but made 4 enormous mistakes.

His first, second and third mistakes were these:

He strutted through the door, walked over to where I was sitting, put both his hands on my shoulders and said at top volume, something to the effect of, "Damn girl, you lookin' fine today. OOoo-Whee! Can you go and get me a cup of coffee?"

His fourth mistake was this:

He did these things while I was on the phone with a customer.

I ignored Junebug who began to speak to me again in the same vein, until I turned around and he saw my face.

He stopped bugging me and skulked off.

When I got off the phone I informed him that my name was Lady and that is how he may refer to me from now on. I informed him that he may keep his hands and his opinion of my looks to himself, forever, no matter how fine I may be looking, and that the next time it happened he would be introduced to the company's sexual harassment policies which included firing or suspension without pay.

I further informed him that I was usually pretty busy doing my job and would never, ever have enough time to get him a cup of coffee, but that there was always a fresh pot in the break room and he may help himself whenever it should please him. Lastly I let him know that he was never, ever, under any circumstances to speak to me and expect an answer while I was on the phone.

After we understood each other, Junebug was kinda sweet, and as much of a gentleman to me as he knew how to be. He even attempted a little extra formality and added the word Miss to my name. Miss Lady.

Unfortunately Junebug could never be relied upon to show up for any Saturday shifts and would often disappear after I handed out the paychecks on Friday, leaving the crew leaders stranded with no helper for the rest of the day. No crew leaders wanted to have Junebug on their team and would often choose to work alone rather than have him along.

One Saturday morning he came in drunk and Laughing Boy had to send him home. It happened before I came in, but Laughing Boy said that it also appeared that Junebug had pissed himself.

It surprised me to find out that Junebug had a lady friend. A pretty serious one.

Here is how I found out:

One afternoon when I answered the phone a really wasted sounding woman politely asked for Junebug in a barely comprehensible slur. I said that he didn't really work in the office, but out in the field and that I'd be happy to leave him a message. She said no, that it was OK and she'd just get in touch with him later.

The same woman called back a few minutes later. Apparently she had changed her mind and decided to leave a message after all. It was the Most Ridiculous Phone Message I Have Ever Taken and after she gave me her name it went exactly like this:

"You tell Junebug that I DO love him and that I WILL marry him!!"

Allrighty. Yes.

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I am writing this down."

Remember These Guys?

When I was mopping the kitchen floor this afternoon the King Missile song "Hamsters" popped up on the good ole iPod. I tried to find a video of "Hamsters" to post here today, but I couldn't find one. So I'm posting these three videos for other King Missile songs that I always liked too. I didn't have cable at the time that I was into this band so I've never seen the videos.

I went to see them play once at a place in Columbus called the Alrosa Villa with my friend Bob. We were both really broke and only had enough money to split one pitcher of beer between us. We decided to drink it as fast as possible to help us along with our buzz and each chugged 2 glasses very quickly and left the rest for later.

The Alrosas was the kind of place that bands with names like Whitesmoke, Deesel Fuel or Gun N Roses tribute bands would play and we almost didn't go to see King Missile when we found what club we'd have to go to. We had been there before but only because we had to, like when one of us was dating a musician because the Alrosa always hosted our local Battle of the Bands. Most of the guys that hung out at the Alrosa looked like this:

I went to the bathroom and when I got back Bob had vomited in our pitcher of beer.

She has always been a really sweet natured person and it is the only time I can ever remember being angry or disgusted with her.

Detachable Penis


My Heart Is A Flower


Here is a homemade one by some dude lip syncing that's pretty good too...

Cheesecake Truck

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #11A Bonus Velvet Edition

Fuck it. This blog and this post in particular is X-Rated.

OK, I'm posting this.

I've been holding onto it for some time now and can't seem to let it go. It's a little more on the risque side than my normal "Nobody Needs This" post, so I've put the picture of the item down closer to the bottom in case you don't want to see it, you'll have time to click off of my blog. Here is a nice blog about knitting you can click on instead.

Today I release to you:

The Wonderous Vulva Puppet
This item sells for $600. That's American dollars. This price doesn't include $30 to ship inside the continental US. I'm at a complete loss for words. Well, not really.

The website where I found this thing describes it as a tool for educators, healers and lovers. I totally get the educators and healers part. That makes sense. But if it's a tool for educators and healers why does it have to be velvet and cost 600 bucks? If it's a tool for lovers - get the fuck away from me.

Seriously, if you require a velvet vulva puppet to explain to your man all the things he's doing wrong you've probably got more problems outside of the boudoir and should break up with this dude.

Or worse yet can you imagine your mother coming after you with this thing to teach you about the birds and the bees?


This is kinda gross, right?

Or am I just bad at womanhood. No don't want to use the word hood...

Anyhoo...

Now, all that being said they are kinda pretty and I can't help but like this product and the fact that someone goes out and buys fabric and sews them together.

Wait. No. That didn't come out right.
Buys fabric and stitches...

Nope. That doesn't work either.

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This #11 Special Fashion Edition

Muffin Top

Don't you like yourself? Don't you like the rest of us? Aren't you terribly uncomfortable? Don't you have a full length mirror? Doesn't anyone among your family and friends love you enough to tell you you look as if your jeans are cutting off all circulation to your liver and kidneys? This seems dangerous to me.

Not that I don't have some pants in my wardrobe that are a bit tight in the waist. I choose, however, to wear shirts that are long enough to cover up my big fat gut rather than short shirts that highlight my big fat gut.

I'm a people person.

Baggy Muscle Pants and Whatever You Call This Top
We get it dude, you're all muscle-y and shit. We get it. You work out 6 hours a day and eat raw eggs and hormones and have shelves full of giant containers of powdered protein on display for all to see in the finished basement bedroom of your mom's house. We get it, you enjoy showing us your giant arms and pink, taut nipples.

We get it.

You're a manly mass of buffness.

You're creeping everyone out.

By the way, when you dress like this everyone around you assumes you are a stupid meat head. I'm not saying body building is wrong or that you are a stupid meat head. I'm just saying keep it to yourself meat head and save this outfit for the gym.

Cover up.

Nobody wants to see your nips.

Teeshirts & Sweatshirts with Airbrushed Animals and/or Gothic/Sci-Fi Scenes

It's OK to have a passion for unicorns, kittens, wolves, eagles, tigers, scantily clad women wearing fur bikinis and carrying swords.

Whatever it is you're into it's totally fine.

But if you wear these types of shirts and wonder why you can't get laid it's because you are wearing these types of shirts and all the people you may like to have sex with think you are an enormous douche.

Fashion Disclaimer:
The views and opinions expressed in this post reflect the views and opinions of one middle aged, overweight, bitter and shoddily clad lady, currently writing this post in black sweatpants with a green stripe down the side and a safety orange, long sleeved LL Bean t-shirt that she has been wearing for 2 days straight.* The fashion views and opinions expressed in the blog are completely without merit as the middle aged, overweight slobbo writing it does not as yet, have her own column in Vogue or W Magazine and is not likely to ever have such any time soon or ever. The lady writing this blog does not claim to be an expert on fashion by any stretch of the imagination. Not at all. She merely states (in her personal opinion) the obvious for the purposes of humor and can only hope that those of you out there who may be reading the blog share her often condescending and imperialist viewpoint and sense of humor. If you hold a differing view to the ridiculous pieces of shit clothing choices above please feel free to offer up your opposing view in the comments.

*Please note the slovenly lady in question would never leave the house in the outfit described due to the magnetic attraction between her full length mirror and the giant stick up her ass.