F-ing Good Ham Mom

Having missed half a day of work on Thursday and all day on Friday, spending most of my weekend recovering from my malaise and having to put up with MDH and his bad attitude about having to finish doing our taxes (he fired our accountant earlier this year) and raking the leaves that he for some mysterious (lazy) reason wasn't able to rake up before it started snowing last November, well fuck it...

Let's just say I had a shitty weekend. I didn't feel good and the husband that I know and love went away and was temporarily replaced by some yelling, complaining tax monkey.

The best thing about my weekend? Honey Baked Ham.

I'm not normally a big ham eater. Too salty for me really, but sometimes, like once every 2 or 3 years I crave it like nobody's business. So on Saturday when MDH's incessant ranting at Turbo Tax and anyone who dared move or speak within a 20 foot radius of his charm-free tax doing (me and the cat) drove me (screaming and peeling out of the driveway like some crackhead in an episode of COPS) from the house for a couple of hours (and cough, cough, ahem, excuse me I still wasn't feeling well) I happened for the first time notice the Honey Baked Ham store across the street from the DSW at my preferred mall location.

What better way to deal with a surly spouse then shoe shopping, eh?

Anyhoo... those of you mall goers out there will realize the degree of my intense craving and subsequent sacrifice when I tell you that I actually crossed the street in front of the busy mall to get to the goddamn ham store. I won't even cross my legs for $50, so we're talking about a serious ham craving here.

Once the busy street was crossed I was greeted at the ham store by a large hand written sign taped to the glass front door that said:

NO CHECKS TODAY
CREDIT CARD MACHINE BROKE

SORRY - CASH ONLY!!

Oh no you don't. I just crossed 5 lanes of Saturday afternoon mall traffic and you're telling me cash only? Under normal circumstances the bad grammar in the sign would make me stomp away fuming, but not today Ham Store. You can't get rid of me that easily.

I walked in anyway knowing full well that I only had eleven dollars in my pocket, and really having no idea how much ham costs. Surely ham for 2 costs eleven dollars or less!

Alas no. I asked the nice toothless lady to please show me her smallest ham and it was like 30 bucks. But she was super sly and reeled me in by peeling away the foil so that I could better smell the damn thing. It smelled good. Really fuckin' good.

So good that I crossed the busy street again, eager as a hog in heat, back to the ATM machine at the mall where I withdrew $60 and then crossed the busy street yet again practically screaming with desire, out of breath (not really because of course I was driving back and forth across the busy street) and waving my ham cash in the air (again, not really, the money was in my pocket. I'm just trying to convey the bizarre sense of urgency I felt to buy a goddamn ham).

When I arrived Toothless was waiting for me with my gorgeous little ham bundle. I picked out some au gratin potatoes from the freezer, paid with my thrice busy street crossed on a Saturday cash and headed back home.

It was f-ing good ham. It still is f-ing good ham because even though it was the tiniest ham they had it's still as big as my head and I'll be eating ham for the next half century.

In honor of my delicious ham and the fact that my friends Dan and Steph celebrated Dan's birthday by seeing The Kids In the Hall this weekend with Amy Ted, Frenchie and Nature Boy, I tried really hard to find an old Kids In the Hall Sketch where a teenage boy accidentally tells his mother that her ham was really fucking good, but this was the closest I could find. Won't you please enjoy it anyway.... the words at least rhyme with ham.