Kennel That Bitch - A Rant by Lady

Dear Person Who Chose To Bring an Infant to Last Night's Lecture Featuring Michael Chabon,

What kind of economy sized asshole brings a baby to hear a lecture given by a Pulitzer Prize winning author? Did you think that other people were going to bring their babies? Obviously everyone else had more sense and manners because in case you didn't notice - out of all of the 600 people (I'm totally guessing here) at the lecture you were the ONLY ONE to bring a baby.

I'd like to thank you for being the one turd in the punchbowl of an otherwise wonderful evening. You see, Michael Chabon is one of my favorite authors. I have admired his work for many years now and last night was my first and who knows, perhaps the only time in my life that I might be able to hear him speak and as terrific as it was, the memory of it will be forever littered with the sounds of your baby's fussing and mewling echoing throughout the auditorium every five minutes. So thanks for that.

For future reference, it has been my experience that when you have an infant with you in a public space where people are trying to enjoy some form of entertainment that they HAVE PAID THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY AS YOU it is polite and thoughtful to remove yourself and your noisy infant from the premises when said infant starts to cry and fuss or generally create a distraction from the entertainment WE HAVE ALL PAID FOR.

I would think this should be especially true and quite obvious in the case of bringing an infant to LIVE entertainment*, where a person is speaking or performing LIVE as these are moments that nobody will be able to rewind and get back.

Even if we could rewind them and get those moments back all we would be able to hear is your goddamn baby crying.

Leave the kid at home next time dickhead.

Now that this is off my chest you'll excuse me while I scamper off to go beat up some nuns and run over house pets with my car.

Best Wishes & Kindest Regards,

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch**

*Fuck off. Lectures can be very entertaining.

**I'm being formal here and using my full name.

The Lady Who Doesn't Eat Dinner

I may soon have a new moniker since my new almost job is a weird shift, noon to 8:45pm.

I'm feeling all weirded out, because I've been job hunting for so long and this is the first time I've had a second call back for anything. Things are moving really fast too. The possible boss dude called me Friday to interview yesterday and then called me again 2 hours after my interview to come back in today to meet with the rest of his team and sit in and observe some of the work they do.

Noon to 8:45pm.

I'm trying to reconcile this shift. It's non- negotiable and it's not rotated with any of the other team members.

Why it may suck:

• I won't be able to cook dinner every night.
• By the time I get home it will be almost time for bed.
• I won't be able to do stuff in the evenings on week nights, like go to the theater or out to dinner. (Yes, because we do these things sooo frequently now...)
• It's kind of a step down career wise from my previous job.
• I will be kicked back out into the world and forced among people again.
• I will no longer be a lady of leisure.
• I will have bathe and put on clothes every day.
• Since I would be surrounded by other people, I will no longer be able to amuse myself by farting and belching really loud whenever I feel like it and then giggling to myself. Technically, I suppose I could still keep doing it, but I would really like to be a team player and for the other people to like me.
• I'll have to shave my legs sometimes.
• I will have less time to spend with MDH.

On the bright side:

• I will have to spend less time with MDH.
• It's a job.
• The money is very good and in fact much better than what I was making before when I was traveling all over hell's half acre.
• I'll get to sleep in my own bed every night.
• We may lose weight since I'm not cooking dinner every night.
• I'll have time to work out every day before work.
• I'll have the option of sleeping in should the mood strike me.
• I won't have to deal with rush hour traffic.
• Showering and getting dressed every day and not giggling at my own loud flatulence may improve my sex life.
• It seems like very easy work compared to what I was doing before.
• I will be forced back into the world and out among people again, providing me with an never ending supply of blog fodder.
• It's a job.
• I can buy shoes again. (DSW, here I come!)
• I can buy potions again. (I'm sure Lancome and Keihls have missed me.)
• We can finally get a goddamn house keeper.
• We're finally going to buy some living room furniture.
  
  

I'm almost not wanting to publish this for fear I will jinx myself. It would just be so perfect to not get the job after having raved, worried and typed out these idiotic lists like a big jackass. Please remind me that I'm not superstitious, but keep your fingers crossed that I get this stupid job. Lady would like to buy some shoes.

Chutes and Ladders

Soon I may have to change the wording on my banner from "Shrill Reports From A Michigan Housewife" to "Shrill Reports From A Gainfully Employed Lady With A Housekeeper" or maybe just "Shrill Reports" because I really do feel like screaming.

The recruiter called me yesterday and wanted to know what in the world I had done in my interview Monday afternoon. Apparently I knocked their socks off and they want to hire me right away. There is some weirdness to iron out such as the fact that the project I interviewed for has been cancelled. I kind of had a feeling that something was up because the interview was less than 30 minutes and the woman who interviewed me suggested that I look for other jobs in the company.

I asked her point blank if she meant that I wasn't suitable for the job. I had to ask. I mean I was sitting 3 feet away from her and had poured myself into a pair of Spanx (the ones that go all the way up to your boobs - sooo attractive), worn a suit and full makeup so don't bloody tell me I tarted myself all up for nothing. She got all weird and like, "NO!, No no. Not at all I think you are amazing and your skills are perfect." So I'm guessing she knew then that the project was cancelled and decided to interview me anyway.

The recruiter said that they want me but are trying to decide on exactly the right position/project team to put me into.

In the time allotted I did a lot of sock knocking. I was impeccably dressed, my resume was perfect, my manners were perfect. My breath smelled like rainbows and my palms were completely dry. I gave her the spiel I'd practiced about how much I love working with data and being able to transform the data and make it tell a story. I may have lead her to believe that I confuse pivot tables with porn. She was impressed. She was bowled over when I talked about If/Then statements and my love affair with project development.

My recruiter said I'd written the best post interview thank you letter she had ever read and asked me if she can borrow the format for future reference.

Speaking of references - also impeccable - thanks guys!

Things are looking up for me and I expect to be hired by the end of the month.

Funnily enough, I'm writing this post from MDH's laptop in a hotel room in Columbus. Well, that's not funny, but the fact that he has an interview tomorrow morning for an amazing, very well paying dream-type job in Ohio the week I knock an employers socks off is. Well, that's not really funny either. I may find out in the same week that I'm finally employed in Michigan and that my husband is taking a job in Ohio and we are moving again. I think the word I'm looking for here is tragic.

Not.

Funny.

At.

All.