Tuesday, November 20, 2007

In Response To Your Google Search Query #4

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via The Search Query "flew when no one else was watching",

Of course you did, Sweetie.

It's a bummer that no one saw you, but isn't that always how it goes?

One minute you are changing the light bulb in the foyer chandelier, and the next thing you know the step ladder is gone and you're hovering up there all by yourself noticing how dusty the doorbell speaker has gotten. It's surely a Kodak moment, but where hell is everybody?

That's exactly why you should never mainline your heroin when you're all alone. Not only because there is safety in numbers but also because it's good to have someone ready with a camera in case you start convulsing and foaming at the mouth, and besides what's the point of flying if there's nobody around to film it and upload it to YouTube?

Of course I'm not crazy or on drugs like you, so I've never actually flown, but I can tell you I do some of my best work when no one else is watching. I usually cover up the smell with a thorough fogging of Febreeze or if I'm caught off guard I blame it on the cat.

Anyhoo... back to your problem...

If you are spending any time at all with your family for the holidays I think it's wise to hang onto your drug addiction a little while longer. Wait until after New Year's and then get yourself in to a nice 12 step treatment program as soon as possible.

If the flying persists I recommend keeping a duster with you at all times. You may as well make yourself useful while you're up there.

If it tends to happen when you are outdoors, always keep a baked potato in each pocket. They'll keep you warm for awhile. They will also help weigh you down a little and you'll have a snack handy in case you get hungry.
Can you clean out the gutters since you're going to be up there anyway? Oh, and grab that frisbee. We've been looking for that for ages.

Happy Thanksgiving & Kindest Regards!
The Lady


Claire said...

Excellent advice, you have performed a real public service here.

Churlita said...

That's what I need...A new drug habit before I deal with my family on Thursday. Thanks for the reminder.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - I'm here to help.

Churlita - hurry while supplies last.

paperback reader said...

Holidays are all about heroin. And I love flying nuns because you can totally look up their skirts.

Quiet one said...

LMAO! That was awesome.

The Guv'ner said...

I bet my greatest work resembles yours quite a bit. Usually Mexican food is involved before hand and a thorough window opening session after.

You crack me up lassie!