Monday, April 28, 2008

Things Are Not Always As They Seem

Case in point, tonight's dinner.

Contrary to what you may believe from looking into the pot, I did not pull the rags off the end of a dirty mop and marinade them in dirty dishwater.

This morning I got up at the crack of my ass and tossed a pork tenderloin into the crock pot and poured some vinegar and sauteed onions and herbs on it and let it cook all day on low while I was at work.

It looks like a dirty mop, but tastes so good you'll want to smack your mama. Twice. Not really, leave your mama alone. She's totally innocent in this endeavor and if your mama is anything like my mama she never cooked anything that didn't come out of a cardboard box with directions that said "Just add water".

Anyhoo, my slow cooked pulled pork tenderloin is a thing of beauty. Made even more delectable due to the fact that in light of recent memory problems I forgot that I had cooked it until I walked in the back door after work tonight and got a snortful of the amazing aroma.

I'm getting to like this other me, the one who remembers to do all of this cool stuff. She's amazing.

Other things that aren't as they seem:

My kitchen chairs are lovely, but really uncomfortable. We didn't sit on them before we bought them. This was a big mistake. We should have brought a bucket of chicken and sat down on them for awhile before we made this purchase.

Gotta get some seat cushions.

Also the notepad is not what it seems. You'd think I'd be all organized and shit because I write stuff down all the time. I'm not.

This cool subway poster that MDH pulled down from the wall of the London Underground, glue and multiple layers of other posters and all is also a deadly weapon.

He mounted it on this piece of corrugated sheet metal, but did not do anything to the edges. They are like razors and every time I move this thing I cut the palms of my hands.


My face is not as it seems. Because I am a master make up artist with concealer you can hardly tell that I have a rash around my mouth and chin in the shape of a goatee. I hope it is not because of all the strawberries I've been eating.

Unfortunately I can do nothing to conceal my crazy eyes.

In other news:

1. I got a raise last week. Not enough of a raise that I can actually tell a difference in my paycheck, but a raise none the less. Still my paycheck seems the same.

2. I have added Jerry Fondue to my list. Welcome Jerry. You are in good company. Jerry Fondue seems kinda cheesy, but he's actually a nice guy.

3. How could I forget? It seems that my father accidentally backed over my mother in their driveway with his SUV. That is not how she describes it but that is pretty much what happened. She said he bumped her while she was putting some things in the hatchback. He "bumped" her hard enough that she fell down and hit her head.

She also says that she is "just fine", but then went on to describe a laceration that extends the entire length of her left arm and "a goose egg" on her "noggin". Whatever injuries she suffered were apparently not serious enough to keep them from meeting friends at their country club for happy hour where she described soaking up the blood on her arm with cocktail napkins. It seems the bartender at the club is also an EMT and helped clean her wounds with antiseptic (the kind you can't drink).


evil-e said...

I always like the uncomfortable chairs--good for the back.

That pork looks damned good to me, I knew what it was immediately.

I was told that I will be getting a new title and a raise sometime over the summer!! Apparently I am coming along as scheduled.

Anonymous said...

I should've slept on my mattress before I bought the damn thing.

I should've wrangled an invitation to your house for dinner tonight.

Renaissance Woman said...

I also made that mistake once...uncomfortable chairs equal eating out more often.

I loved pulled pork. I don't normally like pork but there's something about pulled pork.

Loved the story of your father backing into your mom. I am glad that she isn't hurt but it is a sign of love. Her forgiveness.

Tara said...

Yeah, I think the cushions will improve the chairs. But I like them. They just need cushions.

You are definitely a makeup artist, I don't see any rash of any sort on your face! I like your self portraits!

Also good job with the cooking. I love walking into my little apartment and being confronted with good smelling food from the crock pot. Yum.

Family Adventure said...

A raise that doesn't actually show on your pay cheque? Lady, we may need to talk...

Heidi :)

PS: Glad your mother's OK.

i am playing outside said...

good lord. poor momma. someone has way too much fun with hatchbacks!

no actual raise? were you enrolled in a jelly of the month club?

Anonymous said...

It's freezing cold in canberra right now and I am loving the sound of anything cooked in a crock-pot. Though I haven't eaten pork since my 21st birthday ( long story) it just sounds yummo.

Your Mum sounds like mine. She had a day off work yesterday due to a slipped disc in her back pinching on nerves...but she still popped an asprin or two and called me up for a lunch date and two hours of serious shoe shopping.
Then she went home and lay on the couch in agony.

Oh dear, maybe we'll be just like them!

Your make up is professh. I couldn't see any signs of a concealer and sponge job... maybe you've been licking the outside of your lips too much? :)

Lovely post as usual!!

Anonymous said...

Our pub chairs have butt indentions already in them. Maybe you should've bought the ones with butt indentions.

I have the curse of dark circles under my eyes. I can't find anything that works but it seems like I've spent thousands trying to find it.

Did you add any 'que sass to that pork? I'll come over with some slaw and we can have it Memphis style!

It's nice of you to promote other bloggers out there. Even the cheesy ones!

CDP said...

You don't have crazy eyes! I'd never have guessed that you have a rash. I'm also a dark circle victim, but I'm also pretty good with the concealer so you can't tell (usually). Glad your mom survived the attempt on her life.

Michelle said...

This was a fun post! Glad your mom's noggin is okay!

Churlita said...

Oh, I'm sorry about your mom. I'm also sorry you have uncomfortable chairs. They're the worst.

Anonymous said...


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SkylersDad said...

You can slow cook any of the pig and I am your slave for life!

I loves me some pig...

r cubed said...

weird, I've been craving slow-cooked pork for weeks. You've inspired me.

Leonesse said...

I, personally, have a large roast, potatoes, and carrots waiting for me tonight! Yay.

My mother didn't cook, she opened cans.

Gwen said...

How much vinegar and onions?

I have the stools that match your chairs. Except they are comfy, for a stool.

I worked the front desk at a hotel one summer and checked in a man whose name was Richard Head. I'm not kidding. And? He listed "sheriff" as his occupation on the paperwork. I had to work hard not to laugh while he was still standing there.

WendyB said...

Never conceal the crazy eyes -- they help keep people in line.

The Guv'ner said...

YUM! I don't even eat meat and that pork thing sounds tasty! Jeeze.

Also, LOVE the Who poster and its mounting method. Although if it's been anywhere near the Tube in London the damn thing is probably contagious. Ha!

"rash the shape of a goatee" made me swallow a hash brown chunk entirely the wrong way.

pistols at dawn said...

I would like to sign up for your Meat of the Month club, because I can't even add water without burning something.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Evil - the chairs are probably good for my butt too since I don't tend to sit on it for very long while we're eating.

You're a star man.

Suze - There's plenty left over - c'mon by.

RenWoman - My parents have both come unhinged since they moved to Florida and seem completely unaware of it.
Pulled pork is amazing.

Tara - I'll have to pull out that crock pot more often because that dinner was awfully nice to come home to.

Heidi - my paycheck with the new raise was actually exactly one penny LESS than before. Crazy.

Player - the KY jelly of the month club.

Hey Kate - switch the aspirin for vodka and our mommies would have a lot in common.

SRU - I've got dark circles too, I use highlighter on the corner of my eyes and put concealer on over top of my make up instead of underneath. I also do a lot of blotting.
And damn - I totally forgot the slaw! I made garlic mashed potatoes and collared greens to go with it.

CDP - I thought for sure that my dad would accidentally shoot her when he bought a hand gun last year, but no, he has opted for hit and run.

Hi Michelle! - glad you liked my post and also glad that my mom lived to tell me about it. She lies like a rug so when she insists that she's fine I end up picturing her in a body cast.

Churlita - kitchen chairs should never be an impulse purchase. I just gotta heave my butt over to Cost Plus for some cushions some day.

Ashish - fuck you spammer.

Skydad - you can totally let the piggy cook itself while you are at work. I barely touched the thing.

R-cubed - I think that pulled pork is part of the fat flush diet so you're good to go ;)

Leo - you smart slow cooker you! God I love cooked carrots. BTW - If your mom didn't cook either, tell me, do you crave weird "comfort" food such as Rice-A-Roni like I do?

Gwen - if the loin is somewhat fatty I use about 1/2 a cup of vinegar or a cup of white wine. If it's more lean I'll add a little bit of water and olive oil.

As for the poster - MDH as a great eye for stuff like that. He carried it all thu Gatwick and JFK airports it was all gooey from the glue.

WendyB - excellent point - it's probably the difference between being assertive and aggressive and why nobody tangles with me.

Guv - if it wasn't already it's certainly a biohazard now from all the times I've cut my hands on it.

Pistols - you need a crock pot sir. Also a freezer and a subscription to Omaha steaks - I do believe they have a meat of the month club. This may be to much for a bachelor such as yourself as you do sometimes need to WASH the crock pot inbetween uses.

Chris said...

I'm hungry now.

I saw a comedian the other day that was actually funny. He was talking about camping by a nice lake, and how his friends told him they didn't bring any food because they were going to "get their food from the lake," to which the comedian responded, "There had better be some cows in that goddam lake!"

It doesn't really have anything to do with your post, but I was thinking of it anyway.

Linka72 said...

I swear to god that there are ladies in my office named LASAGNE and BLONZETTA and a guy named EUFEMIO LONGBOY..poor things.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Been away from the blogosphere for a while, but am back now... Yep, your recipe looks pretty gross. We'll have to take your word for it that it was tasty.