Friday, April 18, 2008

Kennel That Bitch - A Rant by Lady

Dear Person Who Chose To Bring an Infant to Last Night's Lecture Featuring Michael Chabon,

What kind of economy sized asshole brings a baby to hear a lecture given by a Pulitzer Prize winning author? Did you think that other people were going to bring their babies? Obviously everyone else had more sense and manners because in case you didn't notice - out of all of the 600 people (I'm totally guessing here) at the lecture you were the ONLY ONE to bring a baby.

I'd like to thank you for being the one turd in the punchbowl of an otherwise wonderful evening. You see, Michael Chabon is one of my favorite authors. I have admired his work for many years now and last night was my first and who knows, perhaps the only time in my life that I might be able to hear him speak and as terrific as it was, the memory of it will be forever littered with the sounds of your baby's fussing and mewling echoing throughout the auditorium every five minutes. So thanks for that.

For future reference, it has been my experience that when you have an infant with you in a public space where people are trying to enjoy some form of entertainment that they HAVE PAID THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY AS YOU it is polite and thoughtful to remove yourself and your noisy infant from the premises when said infant starts to cry and fuss or generally create a distraction from the entertainment WE HAVE ALL PAID FOR.

I would think this should be especially true and quite obvious in the case of bringing an infant to LIVE entertainment*, where a person is speaking or performing LIVE as these are moments that nobody will be able to rewind and get back.

Even if we could rewind them and get those moments back all we would be able to hear is your goddamn baby crying.

Leave the kid at home next time dickhead.
Now that this is off my chest you'll excuse me while I scamper off to go beat up some nuns and run over house pets with my car.

Best Wishes & Kindest Regards,
The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch**

*Fuck off. Lectures can be very entertaining.

**I'm being formal here and using my full name.


Frenchie said...

Oh, that really sucks.

Anonymous said...

I read the first few lines and was instantly annoyed and angry on your behalf. I hate those parents who do that! hate hate hate. And I am a Mum of three kids - so I understand how you feel that it's your life and you have a right to chase after intellectual, enjoyable pursuits but for goodness sake's....leave the baby with a sitter.

It's like when you go to the trouble to get your own children babysat for an evening dinner at a lovely restaurant..and then right at the next table sits a family of six with four kids under ten. And you think, what the hell?! and then have to listen to the exact same noises, grunts, squeals and protests as you would if you had of stayed at home with your own frikkin brats.

Uhem, so getting back to your 'rant'. I completely understand your annoyance and irritation..bringing a baby to a lecture is like bringing in a cell phone when you are expecting a call - don't kid yourself it isn't going to ring off the hook.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Frenchie - It could have been a lot worse I suppose, but I was thrilled to see Mr. Chabon.

SKate - I wondered about the same thing - like out of all the people in that room how many parents had gone to the trouble to get a sitter and then had to put up with this nonsense.

Thanks for your comments, I was beginning to have second thoughts about my rant, but I think I will stand by it.

pistols at dawn said...

I suggest next time purchasing an aquarium to keep the kid in, as lungs filled with water often find it difficult to scream.

Okay, leaving the damn kid at home works, too. You can either afford a babysitter or you can't, and plan your life accordingly.

Gwen said...

I'm assuming the tickets weren't cheap, so they can afford a sitter. Asshats.

Pistols: Your comment made a spaghettio fly out of my nose. It hurt.

r cubed said...

Amen, afuckingmen. I will never understand how it is that once a person has a kid, all other people cease to exist.

Michelle said...

I don't blame you at all. Some places just aren't meant for kids. If I leave my kids at home, I sure as hell don't want to listen to or deal with someone's else's kids!

Linka72 said...

You are soooo in my brain!! Each month we have a ladies investment club meeting. This past Sunday, 3 women decided to bring their babies..and an antsy 10 year meet a broker in their very nice office...WTF??? You can imagine my embarrassment as the 13 month old bully of the crew knocked the entire buffet off the table..and her damn mom DID NOTHING but roll her eyes!!
I would write about it but she reads my blog...damn it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - nice. Infant drowning. I hadn't thought of that. I would have been happy if they would have just taken themselves with their squawking child out of the room.

Gwen - actually the tickets were surprisingly cheap -it's the principal of the thing.

R-cubed - I understand the need to get out - but in my mind the minute you decide to have (or keep - insert teeth sucking noise here) a kid is the same minute you start sacrificing your right to attend such events when you can't find a sitter.

Michelle - exactly! I love children (at least the ones that I know) but some places are just the wrong environment.

Also a baby squawking is a much different distraction than when someone coughs or sneezes - when a baby squawks you wait and keep listening for the rest of the fussing or inevitable tantrum.

Linka - how were any of you able to get anything done? Also I HATE it when people let their kids run around and destroy shit and don't even act like they see it.

It bugs people, but I am not afraid to discipline other people's children when the parents are oblivious.

i am playing outside said...

ugh. i hate humanity.

CDP said...

unbelievable. I'm with you and with the parents who got a babysitter...I have 2 kids, and I'm always seriously annoyed when we get a babysitter so we can eat at a nice restaurant, and then end up seated next to the couple who's decided to bring their toddlers. If you want to go out with babies and toddlers, there are plenty of places where that's appropriate. Go to those places, or stay home.

evil-e said...

I agree completely. I hate when little screaming brats take over the scene and the parents are oblivious to it. Find a fucking sitter.

dmarks said...

Michael Chabon came near to speak? Now I find out :(

Leonesse said...

I hate it when people let their kids go nuts. I didn't allow mine to even touch the stuff on the grocery shelves unless I was buying it. TOOOOTALLY different story with my step-kids... Drove me F'n nuts with the touching of EVERYTHING as they walked down the aisles. UGH!!!!

SkippyMom said...


Now that this is off my chest you'll excuse me while I scamper off to go beat up some nuns and run over house pets with my car.

If you read my earlier post....I will simply clean your house for this comment alone. Got it? You come walk my dog, and now I have to clean your house....LMAO...


[and as the mother of way in HELL I would have taken ONE of the little darlings [heathens-admit it] to an event such as this....if it doesn't involve bubbles, face paint, small animals that [rarely] don't bite or some kind of dirt activity? My kids aren't going....there is a time and a place for mini me's with yet to be formed brains...the entitlement on that woman's part astounds me]

Spot the dog awaits...otherwise I am going to read the news....'cause the dog doesn't want to be woken up again....'kay?