Monday, April 7, 2008

F-ing Good Ham Mom

Having missed half a day of work on Thursday and all day on Friday, spending most of my weekend recovering from my malaise and having to put up with MDH and his bad attitude about having to finish doing our taxes (he fired our accountant earlier this year) and raking the leaves that he for some mysterious (lazy) reason wasn't able to rake up before it started snowing last November, well fuck it...

Let's just say I had a shitty weekend. I didn't feel good and the husband that I know and love went away and was temporarily replaced by some yelling, complaining tax monkey.

The best thing about my weekend? Honey Baked Ham.

I'm not normally a big ham eater. Too salty for me really, but sometimes, like once every 2 or 3 years I crave it like nobody's business. So on Saturday when MDH's incessant ranting at Turbo Tax and anyone who dared move or speak within a 20 foot radius of his charm-free tax doing (me and the cat) drove me (screaming and peeling out of the driveway like some crackhead in an episode of COPS) from the house for a couple of hours (and cough, cough, ahem, excuse me I still wasn't feeling well) I happened for the first time notice the Honey Baked Ham store across the street from the DSW at my preferred mall location.

What better way to deal with a surly spouse then shoe shopping, eh?

Anyhoo... those of you mall goers out there will realize the degree of my intense craving and subsequent sacrifice when I tell you that I actually crossed the street in front of the busy mall to get to the goddamn ham store. I won't even cross my legs for $50, so we're talking about a serious ham craving here.

Once the busy street was crossed I was greeted at the ham store by a large hand written sign taped to the glass front door that said:

NO CHECKS TODAY
CREDIT CARD MACHINE BROKE
SORRY - CASH ONLY!!

Oh no you don't. I just crossed 5 lanes of Saturday afternoon mall traffic and you're telling me cash only? Under normal circumstances the bad grammar in the sign would make me stomp away fuming, but not today Ham Store. You can't get rid of me that easily.

I walked in anyway knowing full well that I only had eleven dollars in my pocket, and really having no idea how much ham costs. Surely ham for 2 costs eleven dollars or less!

Alas no. I asked the nice toothless lady to please show me her smallest ham and it was like 30 bucks. But she was super sly and reeled me in by peeling away the foil so that I could better smell the damn thing. It smelled good. Really fuckin' good.

So good that I crossed the busy street again, eager as a hog in heat, back to the ATM machine at the mall where I withdrew $60 and then crossed the busy street yet again practically screaming with desire, out of breath (not really because of course I was driving back and forth across the busy street) and waving my ham cash in the air (again, not really, the money was in my pocket. I'm just trying to convey the bizarre sense of urgency I felt to buy a goddamn ham).

When I arrived Toothless was waiting for me with my gorgeous little ham bundle. I picked out some au gratin potatoes from the freezer, paid with my thrice busy street crossed on a Saturday cash and headed back home.

It was f-ing good ham. It still is f-ing good ham because even though it was the tiniest ham they had it's still as big as my head and I'll be eating ham for the next half century.

In honor of my delicious ham and the fact that my friends Dan and Steph celebrated Dan's birthday by seeing The Kids In the Hall this weekend with Amy Ted, Frenchie and Nature Boy, I tried really hard to find an old Kids In the Hall Sketch where a teenage boy accidentally tells his mother that her ham was really fucking good, but this was the closest I could find. Won't you please enjoy it anyway.... the words at least rhyme with ham.


19 comments:

CDP said...

What, no f-ing ziti? (Sopranos) That is some f-ing good ham at HBH. I pre-ordered one for Christmas dinner a few years ago, then went on December 23 to pick it up, only to find that they don't really reserve it under your name, they just take the orders in order to ensure that they have enough on hand. I stood in line for 90 minutes to get the ham, at that point, I had no choice since it was my planned dinner for the holiday. I was annoyed at the wait, but it was an f-ing good ham.

pistols at dawn said...

I am still eating Easter ham, because you are right: even their smallest ham will feed an army for a year. And while I may eat like an army, eating ham sandwiches with ham replacing the bread gets old circa week 8.

Tara said...

Food cravings. They'll grab ya, that's for sure. That honeybaked ham sounds soooo good. And look at the sacrifice you made by venturing towards the crazy mall! Well done!

I craved corned beef back in March and was ecstatic that I could prepare the brisket in my little crock pot. Oh and I also get a huge craving for the crystal rolls a Vietnamese restaurant makes in the nearby town. Yum.

Churlita said...

That all makes total sense to me. Did you end up getting any shoes though?

Chris said...

I likes me some ham. Hammentaters.

I have ham several times a week, actually. Not GOOD ham, mind you -- I'm talking about prepackaged ham-like slice things... You know, the ones that are between the Little Smokies and the Cheeze-Whiz at the store. Good stuff, Maynard!

Michelle said...

OMG, THAT is one of my favorite Kids in the Hall skits! My sister and I still say "That's f-ing good ham!" whenever we have ham, and yes, that Honey Baked ham is F-ing GOOD! I, too, would cross several lanes of traffic to satisfy a food craving.

SkylersDad said...

I swear that I will eat any pork product!

Gwen said...

I loved The Kids in The Hall. I recently saw that the show is coming to STL. Did your friends like it? Should I buy tickets?

I stand in snow up to my ass for hours every Christmas to get one of those f-ing good-ass hams.

Also, did you get shoes? Show me your shoes!

Frenchie said...

Just have to point out that the little girl ogling the ham in the photo looks like she could be your and your DH's daughter!

Also, the show was quite funny. The old revived characters were the best part, of course. They did plenty of new material as well.

Leonesse said...

I would it is in a house, with a mouse, in a car, on a bar. I love ham.

Renaissance Woman said...

I get those food cravings and they drive me crazy. But I have never craved ham and so I have missed meeting toothless girl. I am going to picture you running on foot back and forth, waving cash in the air!

Family Adventure said...

Now if you'd replaced 'ham' with 'chocolate', I would have been convinced you were my long lost sister. As it is, perhaps cousins?

Glad you're feeling better.

Heidi

evil-e said...

That must have been one good ham to go to all that trouble. I just finished the ham I had..what a useful thing to have around.

Gwen said...

@Frenchie: Thanks for the review. I'm buying my tickets today.

Linka72 said...

Did I ever tell ya about the time me and the hubby tried to get Krispy Kreme donuts?..for some reason we kept passing the entrance..then had to make a u-turn at a busy stop light..we did this like three f-ing times!! We should have seen it as a sign that we didn't need donuts..but wouldn't give up..because we're greedy fat asses in love.

Step Right Up said...

I am not a lover of the ham but one year for T-Giving we had a boiled ham and I could NOT GET ENOUGH! Who knew swine was so good boiled?!

I like that you're a woman who goes after what she wants no matter what the obstacles! You are my hero.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - I probably would have had to wait if I'd experienced my craving a few weeks ago at easter time. And the ziti? Fuggeddaboudit.

Pistols - I ended up putting half of it in the freezer for me to find next June and ponder over.

Tara - it's a amazing how my unhappiness with MDH is so easily overcome with ham.

Churlita - It was some bizarre day as I actually spent a great deal of time in DSW and came away with no shoes.

Chris - Hammentaters makes me laugh out loud. I guess my mom made ham a lot when I was growing up so I got all hammed out. Cepting of course for my crazy craving on Saturday.

Skydad - Dude! That's it right there. Although I usually go for a slow cooked pulled pork tenderloin. I love a good piggy.

Gwen - welcome back! To answer your questions:
Happily Yes and Sadly No.

Frenchie - wow. Hadn't noticed the little ham girls family resemblence. I'm all creeped out by it now which is probably why I don't have any kids, although between my dazzling smile and MDH's 10 foot long eyelashes we could have spawned some good lookin' babies.

Thanks for the mini-review of the show! I miss you guys so much at times like that. I wish I coulda been there too.

Leo - I made ham and eggs for breakfast on Sunday morning. But everything was a normal color.

Ren Woman - I'm sure Ms. Toothless Cash Only was thrilled to see me, mainly because she said so. All her other possible customers flew the coop and stormed away angry at the cash only thing.

Heidi - You know I love chocolate, but when I crave stuff it's usually of a salty nature. Now after typing the words chocolate and salty together I could go for a chocolate covered pretzel.

Evil - the combination of estrogen, anger and food cravings will move mountains my friend.

Linka - Sounds like my first 2 years living in Michigan. Do you know you can't turn left anywhere in this damn state? You have to do U-turns - anyhoo LOVE those yeasty Krispie Kreme's.

SRU - You are so sweet! I would never thought my ham craving worthy of hero worship, but I'll take it.
My mom used to boil ham, but nothing compares to the honey baked thing with all that brown sugar glaze and just a hint of cloves. Awesome.

i am playing outside said...

waving my ham cash in the air


best sentence ever. you could name a blog that.

Dan said...

Here is the f'ing good ham skit.