Thursday, April 10, 2008

In Response To Your Google Search Query #9

Dear Person Who Found My Blog Via the search query "ametuer pies volume 13"

Bon jour and welcome to my blog!

First of all I would like to say that having made it all the way to volume 13 certainly you should no longer consider yourself an "amateur" except perhaps in the spelling department darling, really, how appalling and no wonder you weren't directed to a more reputable pie information site.

Anyhoo... bad spelling or not, since you ended up here I'm honored that one so well informed about pie would come to my blog for advice or whatever it is that you came here looking for.

Personally pies don't really turn me on and I haven't had much experience with them. I have more of a savory palate and could teach you quite a lot about sausage.

At any rate, as always, I'm here to help! Although I'm not sure how much help I can offer you on subject of pies I will impart what knowledge I do have so that your visit to my blog wasn't a complete waste of your time, you being a pie expert and all.

Let's see, pie, pie, pie... where to start....?

We'll go bottoms up with the pie...

The pie crust is the trickiest part of the whole process. A badly prepared crust can ruin the whole pie and I should know! I've never been able to do it properly but it's my understanding that the secret to a terrific pie crust is to keep your ingredients cold and the handling to a minimum. I have to admit that has kind of always been my problem with pie - I just can't seem to keep my hands out of it.

Next I suppose we should cover the basics of filling. You can have a field day with the variety of pie that is available out there. Just name a fruit or flavor and I'm sure that somebody has put it in their pie at one time or another. But no matter what your taste preference I find in my experience that a pie is only as good as what goes into it so naturally you'll want to make sure your pie is filled with only the finest quality ingredients. In other words: Don't just shove any old thing in your pie. Be discerning.

Now that your pie has been rolled, filled and baked it's time for the best part - eating the pie. Bon appetit!

Um... what? What do you mean not that kind of pie? What other kind of pie is there?




Oh...



Never mind.



Best Wishes & Kindest Regards!
The Lady


The post above is dedicated to my mother who is always oblivious to any sexual reference and continues to pronounce the word VOLVO, as in the automobile brand, "VULVA" even after I have corrected her a kabillion times. I once heard her say to a friend on the phone "that sausage was absolutely the best thing I EVER had in my mouth!"

She also always signs her notes "Best Wishes & Kindest Regards", which sets my teeth on edge.

17 comments:

Family Adventure said...

Heh!
I clearly live a sheltered life because I had to google amateur pie.

Heidi

evil-e said...

Amateur pie has it's good points and it's bad points....I prefer more experienced deserts!!!

sparsely kate said...

What on earth was he actually looking for? Maybe there is a cook book set out there that is dedicated to the work of the pie. If there is, I would surely like to find it.
I can't get enough of the stuff, myself. (we ARE talking about food right?!)


Either way, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better :) no more flu!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Heidi - so did I and then I felt like such an ass, actually I felt like my mother, which resulted in this post.

Evil - Tarts?

Kate - to put it bluntly for you my Aussie friend "Pie" is a euphemism for "Pussy" whis is a euphemism for "Vagina". I didn't know that, or at least it wasn't the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw it - probably means I am old.

i am playing outside said...

lunchlady, it's 7:40am which is way earlier than i ever like to be awake, and i am HOWLING with laughter at the whole 'sausage in the mouth bit' ALTHOUGH that, along with volvo/vulva are reworked jokes from Arrested Development. you are either a thieving bitch, or you are on the exact same creative level as the people behing the best show ever. for either, i salute you!

also, please tell me how you know what people googled to find you. i'd like to know that about myself. lol

Linka72 said...

Someone recently found my blog by googling "My Hooters"...sadly, I DO blog about my hooters quite a bit.

Tara said...

Ha...That reminds me of a prank phone call I got when I was a pre-teen. The phone rang and this guy said "Hi, are your parents home?" I was trained to say, "They can't come to the phone right now", so that's what I said. He then said, "Oh...You know what?"
"What?"
"I like your pie."
I must've known by the way he said it that he was not talking about the regular kind of pie, so I hung up on him.

CDP said...

You're quite mad.

Churlita said...

You just don't see people googling amateur sausage ever, do you?

Chris said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I don't get it.

What? Oh. Oh!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

pistols at dawn said...

Wow. What about an amateur pie video where the ladies make amateur pies after all? Then, everyone's a winner.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Player - I assure you someone on the writing staff of Arrested Dev. must have met my mother. I've been embararssed by her pronunciation of the word since I took Sex Ed in Jr. High.

as for your request:
1. do a websearch to find "Google Webmaster Tools"

2. Sign in to Google

3. Follow instructions for monitoring the activity on your blog.

4. Hilarity ensues.

Linka - I used to get some really fun ones, maybe I'm not as raunchy as I used to be and I should step up the smut.

Tara - It might even be more disturbing if your heavy breather WAS refering to a fruit pie.

CDP - Turning into your mother will do that do you.

Churlita - funny how that works.

Chris - obviously you've met my mother.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Pistols - Dude - I almost made the words link to the Amateur Pies website after I read your post about your last dying thought being that you haven't seen enough boobs in your life.

Gwen said...

I, too, have a more savory palate but must admit that this post made me a little hungry.

sparsely kate said...

OH! Oh you Americans! hahah, I had suspected amateur pie might not have meant exactly baked goods in an unprofessional capacity but would not have quickly guessed pie = vagina.

Hahah!

WendyB said...

Mmmmmm. Pie.

Leonesse said...

But what about Kidney Pie? That just sounds gross no matter what pie you are talking about.