Tuesday, April 15, 2008

No Means No - Don't Mess With the Lady

I knew it was bound to be an odd day when I glanced in my rear view mirror this morning on my way to work and noticed that Kid Rock was in the car behind me.

The sun was in my eyes and glaring on the windshield of the car, but it looked like Kid Rock wearing a straw cowboy hat and I figured why the fuck not?

Why wouldn't Kid Rock be behind me in traffic today? He's from Michigan, I live in Michigan, maybe he's here visiting Ted Nugent and decided to go out for bagels.

Who can guess what Kid Rock might be up to?

As for the vehicle... again, why not? Why wouldn't Kid Rock drive a late 90's beige Honda Accord? Stranger things have happened.

Did I mention that I hadn't had my coffee yet?

Either way, Kid Rock or not, I kept staring back there because even if this person was not Kid Rock they were on their phone and weaving all over the road and talking really fast and with their mouth open really wide as if they were yelling, like an auctioneer at a lawn mower race. It was weird looking.

Of course the longer I stared the more irritated I was getting at this dimwit behind me talking so animatedly on their cell phone, oblivious to the fact that they are veering all over the place and endangering everyone. Bastard.

When we came to a section of road that curves slightly and is bordered by a patch of trees the glare was lifted long enough for me to see that of course it wasn't Kid Rock but a woman with the worst hair do I have seen in public in a long time. It was big and blond and in bad need of a hot oil treatment.

If strangers in traffic mistake your hair for a straw cowboy hat and think you look like Kid Rock it is time to find a new stylist.

Like I was saying, it was a weird day because of the whole Kid Rock thing - it's not really something I can confide in my coworkers about so I must rely upon you guys here reading my blog to understand the situation.

Then later this afternoon I went to my first solo project meeting and had a slight altercation. It's a new project and a new team and my boss chose me to represent our department so I was honored.

I walked into the room, introduced myself to everyone, explained who I was and what my role was on the team. It was good. I was charming. I was confident. I knew my shit.

When it was my turn to talk about my department's role in the project I explained how things were done and what steps needed to be completed by the other departments before I could begin my piece and this guy says, "Can't you bypass all that stuff?"

to which I replied, "Um... No."

My tone implied that I have no idea why he would even think such a thing, because I had no idea why he would think such a thing. We have rules, a format and a process that in my short time with the company has been drilled into my head. There are no shortcuts.

Then he said, "Yes. You can." All sly, like he had a secret or like if he were persistent enough he would bend my will.

So I said, "I really don't understand why you would think that because I've never heard of it. When the meeting here is over I will check with Hey Mr. DJ and let you know what he says, but I'm going to say it's a big NO until then and you should plan your piece without a shortcut."

He didn't say anything else, but he wrote some stuff down on his notepad and continued with his little sly smile. What an ass.

Turns out I was right (obviously) and the guy is a big giant ass and tries that trick with everyone. Unfortunately someone in my department has done this little shortcut for him before and even though several memos have gone out and it has been explained to everyone that we don't do that shortcut anymore, he still goes for it.

Anyhoo... it was weird and I'm probably just lucky that this was the first time that someone at work has treated me like less than a superstar.

I'd like to finish up this post by giving a little shout out to whoever manages the deli and prepared foods department at Overpricy's, the supermarket in the glitzy neighborhood near my house. You rock whoever you are!

This person had the brilliant idea to add pork loins to the racks of the chicken rotisserie, seasoned the same as the chickens. It cost the same as if I'd bought an uncooked pork loin, not cheap but damn tasty.

Rotisserie Pig = Good.

I could kiss this person full on the mouth. Maybe not.


BeckEye said...

Did Kid Rock turn off close to the free clinic? If so, I'm sure it probably was him.

Oh...I see it was actually a woman. Well, she sounds like she might frequent the free clinic as well.

Family Adventure said...

I hate people with smug smiles who pretend to know more than everyone else. Ugh! I'm glad he didn't manage to break your cool.

Rotisserie pig...now that's a first!

Heidi :)

Anonymous said...

Urgh - he sounds like an arrogant pig. You handled that super well! Go you! I can just imagine the sort of bloke he is too, unfortunately we've all had the displeasure of meeting them.

You know, Kid Rock is not so hugely popular over here in terms of his music...we know him more for marrying Pamela Anderson and then divorcing her (twice??)
But I like him! I saw him on an episode of 'Fat Actress' and he was gorgeous. I likey.

Tara said...

Just picturing that guy trying to pull that crap at the meeting made me irritable. I could picture that little smile on his face. He apparently loves that kind of confrontation to overcompensate for his many shortcomings...and shortcuts.

CDP said...

Glad you held your own against the ass, who was obviously seeing if he could pull some sh*t on the new girl.

Dan said...

> I could kiss this person full on the mouth.

What if the woman driving the Accord is the person who masterminded the rotisserie pork?

pistols at dawn said...

When they publish a Dorothy Parker-esque (only funny) list of your witticisms, I will take umbrage if "If strangers in traffic mistake your hair for a straw cowboy hat and think you look like Kid Rock it is time to find a new stylist" does not make the list.

SkylersDad said...

You covered a lot of ground here! But I have to comment on the jackass in your meeting. I am convinced that corporate America is full of self-important ass-hats like this who have no skills and this is their only way to make a name for themselves!

Churlita said...

It kind of makes me wonder which celebrities people mistake me for in the morning...Phyllis Diller, perhaps?

Chris said...

People like the guy in your meeting have small peckers. That's my theory. That's why they're constantly trying to alpha-dog their way through life -- no and/or low self-esteem coupled with an itty-bitty pecker.

minijonb said...

i hate guys like mr. shortcut-guy... except when i become him, then i hate myself even more...

Anonymous said...

Maybe the woman was Pam Anderson in town looking for Kid Rock at Ted's place? As you can see, I've had several cups of coffee already :)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Beckeye - she will end up in the freakin emergency room if she doesn't stop the crazy cell phone stuff at 80MPH.

Heidi - it was smug and upsetting that he was trying to embarass me in front of all those people.
I've been to a pig roast before where the whole hog was cooked all day on a spit - but not just the little loin part.

Kate - He was just trying to push my around. He kind of looks like George F. Will only younger and not wearing a bow tie. But you probably don't know who George F Will is do you. He's an old preppy right wing nerd.

Anyhoo... I can't sit next to you on the Kid Rock bus. He is chinless and looks a little smelly to me. I tend to go for a more well groomed sort of man - like Mr. Big on Sex and the City.

Tara - he did it within about 5 minutes of meeting me too - m-f'er - I'm still stinging from it today.

CDP - he didn't seem to be expecting the firm "No" that I gave him. I'm not that easily intimated by anybody except my mother.

Dan - that's why I said "maybe not" afterwards - I'd have to check them out and maybe stalk them for a few days out first to make sure they floss. The only thing that Kid Rock look a like manages is a meth lab.

Pistols - It warms my heart to be compared to one such as she... (really you have NO IDEA what a huge freak I am about her) - it makes me run the gamut of emotions from A to B ;)

Skydad - according to Hey Mr. DJ whose opinion I value, he's a "really nice fella" - but I found him to be completely charm free. Asshat indeed.

Churlita - that's so funny cause I always say that people will ask me for autographs when they mistake me for her at the supermarket.

Chris - That is my assumption as well. I also keep trying to remember if he is not the same guy that shoved past me on the stairs and I almost fell down. I'm kinda slow on the stairs because of my franken foot.
I bet he has a tiny penis AND shoves crippled people.

Minijonb - I know you live here in GR so it could very well have been you. Were you overly demanding and smug to the new fat lady yesterday in a 1 o'clock meeting? For shame.

Suze - that possibility hadn't occured to me, but the train of thought is not far removed from my usual driving to work mind wanderings.

evil-e said...

The animated cell phone in the car talker...this person wants the world to know they are having a crisis at 35-65 mph. Such fun people. Idiots.

Bad Kid Rock wearing a straw hat hair lady should have probably rethought her morning before going public with that quoif.

Frenchie said...

Funny thing....I was just telling my Muslim students today that pork tastes really good. They weren't particularly swayed, arguing that since they'd never tasted it, then they didn't know what they were missing. Still quite sad....pork loin is just utterly amazing. Mmmmm.

Renaissance Woman said...

I so would have guessed it was Kid Rock on the way to pick up some medication to get ride of what ever Pam passed on! But knowing that it was a woman's hair that looked like a straw hat is even better.

I'm so glad that Mr. DJ proved you to be right! Rock on girl!

Gwen said...

Good for you for putting the smack down on an office bully!

I did the same thing yesterday - something in the air, maybe? We're losing some staff and it's going to be hard but this one gal was incredibly aggressive and awful about taking on extra work. I tactfully shut her down publicly and was thanked for it by management privately.

Go us!

Chris said...

Pssst, Lady -- I tagged you. See my blog for details.

i am playing outside said...

well who WOULDN'T want to kiss the pork master? :P

btw. kick that guy's ass.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Normally, I'd make some sort of stupid joke that relates to the lyrics of a song by the person you wrote about. However, because it's Kid Rock, I'm proud to say that I'm coming up empty.