Friday, April 25, 2008

In Response to Your Comment

Dear Sparsely Kate,

In response to your comment on last night's blog post, "when you can remember, please explain why you and the copier are no longer friends", I have decided to oblige you with a full length blog post answer.

You see I share a copier/printer with about 60 other people split among 4 departments on my floor. Of course there are other printers to use, but this particular printer is not only the one closest to my cubicle it is also the only color printer worth a damn, probably in the the whole building, or at least my section of it. It also happens to be the one the IT department designated as my default printer.

Unfortunately one of the departments that I share this printer with is the Art Department. Invariably everything the Art Department needs to print is on extra thick, extra long paper and requires a great deal of time to process. Invariably everything the Art Department needs to print clogs up the normal functioning of the printer, causes horrific, suicide inducing paper jams and rude error messages that I tend to take personally.

My problems getting along with the printer usually stem from this scenerio:

Some devil spawn Art Department person has chosen to print an exact HD replica of the Sistine Chapel on 72 x 36 card stock and caused the printer to not only jam up tighter than
Tom Jones jumpsuit, so that smoke is coming out of the exit tray, but also caused red lights to blink all over the thing like a fucking ambulance. Somehow this person is magically unavailable to come and clean up the mess they have made of the printer.

This always seems to happen when I have "hot" items that need attention within the next hour and I have just sent about 30 pages of meticulously chosen text to the printer, and causes me to have this conversation with the printer/copier:

Printer/copier: Remove jam area 7, 5, 10, 19, 36 and 79

Me: What is that? Your lottery numbers?

Printer/copier: Everyone's a comedian. Now, as I was saying, Remove jam area 7, 5, 10, 19, 36 and 79.

I spend the next 20 minutes opening every conceivable crevice of the printer and removing paper jams from all listed areas.

I am now sweating, but fully satisfied that I have successfully removed all traces of card stock. I slam everything shut.

Me: How ya like me now?

Printer/copier - Nice try. Remove jam area 7, 10, 36, 62.

Me: What? 62? That wasn't on the original list how can I have created a paper jam by removing paper jams you bitch?

I spend the next 20 minutes looking for paper jams, trying to figure out where this so called "area 62" is and removing burnt and crinkled card stock. I'm somewhat satisfied and slam the printer shut, yada, yada, yada.

Me: Take that.

Printer/copier: Remove paper jam area π

Me: I don't have to take this. I'm going to the big Minolta in R & D.

I understand that the printer isn't bad and I suppose my beef is really with the Art Department asshole printer hogs who could probably due with having their own color printer designed specifically to be used for giant HD exact renderings of the Sistine Chapel on enormous flats of card stock. Oh, wait - THEY HAVE ONE OF THOSE ALREADY.

Anyhoo... that's my story.

Kindest Regards & Best Wishes,
The Lady


Anonymous said...

My printer kept saying "yellow sensor error". When I opened up the door and closed it again - it said "Magenta sensor error". It's f*cking with me!

Family Adventure said...

I'm sure Kate feels better now.


Anonymous said...

I am highly irritated on your behalf. That damn printer/copier machine and those damn flakes over at art dept.

Between your printer problems and my dog shit on the carpet problems - I'd say we both deserve a drink. :)


I have quit jobs for less.

Linka72 said...

Okay, when I clicked on that Tom Jones link, I was SO not prepared for the pic that came up and guess what?? Coffee is now all over my desk, monitor and shirt..thanks for the laugh Lady!!

i am playing outside said...

just for the record, all printers and copiers are horrible pieces of garbage. ALL of them.

Tara said...

We have that hear too, but without messy cardstock. The paper that jams is usually just ordinary paper. The person who caused the printer to jam will walk away from the scene of the accident to let the next person deal with the jam. And yup, it's usually when I am pressed for time and have a big copy job. I have to become Ms. Mechanic first.

Tara said...

Argh...I mean we have that here too, not "hear".

SkylersDad said...

Keep sending the art dept. prints jobs off into oblivion when they send them. There has to be some sort of a cancel all or "dump that print job" sort of function on the printer.

Leonesse said...

Sometimes the stories on these blogs brings back homicidal memories...

evil-e said...

I have been the "key operator" at a couple of jobs and completely understand the jam phenomena. Those numbers and letters are meaningless. just open every single door, turn every knob, and be prepared to get your hands dirty and burned.

I share a printer with the defense department at our place and they print these big complicated schematics on the big paper as well. Their stuff also prints at the alarming rate of one sheet per 30 seconds. Sucks when I need to audit a payroll.

CDP said...

My favorite scene in Office Space is the beating of the HP Laserjet. This used to happen to me all the time; not only that, but I worked with a whole office full of engineers, none of whom could ever get the copier unjammed (and none of whom felt any remorse over jamming it and leaving it).

Chris said...

Copiers suck.

Churlita said...

So, it was really displaced aggression. You should have been kicking and swearing at the art department instead, right?

Leonesse said...

By the way, I have verbally accosted a copier before. "


pistols at dawn said...

If I had to choose between who I've had more fights with, exes or printers, it'd be a damn close match.

Steph said...

Sounds like it's time for the Office Space treatment. Take it out back and let a Louisville Slugger take it out of it's misery.

SkippyMom said...

Me: What? 62? That wasn't on the original list how can I have created a paper jam by removing paper jams you bitch? are now responsible for walking my fucking dog at 3:45 am in the morning because I woke her stupid ass up....LAUGHING

And you do know...oh? awake? what? dark? noise?=PEE...on my bed.

Get your behind over to my house now or stop being so damn funny....giggle...

I needed your blog tonight. I thank you. I apologize for commenting on archives, but hey? The hell with me, I JUST found you....